Anonymous
Phoebe Kissagen,or the remarkable adventures, schemes wiles and devilries of une maquerelle
Sir Toby. — «Do'st think that because thou art virtuous,
there shall he no more cakes and ale?»
Clown. — «Yes! by St. Anne, and ginger
shall be hot i'the mouth, too!»
Letter I
TO LADY G…. R.
Madam,
Your billet came safe to hand, and I honoured by your ladyship's commands,in duty bound, I shall obey to the best of my ability. You express surprise, my lady,should be so expert with my pen; perhaps ladyship is not aware that Sir Charles took a deal of trouble with my education; being naturally of quick parts, I profited by the instruction of the good genttleman. Then his conversation was ful to me, for he could talk history I devoutly believe, knew by heart every particular of all the amours of our kings and queens from the days of Guinevere, the fair, frail spouse of King Arthur; but what most delighted him were the witty memoirs of the Comte de Grammont, in which a full account is given of the voluptuons Court of Charles II. So it came to pass that what with hearing him read out of that book, and tell anecdotes he had read elsewhere, I gained an insight to men and manners, and, as courtesy and the politeness are the same in every age, I learnt the meaning of those qualities, and also gained some knowledge of taste.
But while I have been running on about myself,your ladyship is doubtless dying with impatience to have your letter answered.
I am requested to tell your ladyship all I can concerning poor Sir Charles' last moments-a melancholy subject, madam, which I would fain not have alluded to. Ah! my lady, what a gallant gentleman he was!
After our retreat into Herefordshire (which your ladyship may remember, was in consequence of that unfortunale duel,and lady Cecilia's elopement), my master never' seemed the same man at all.
Whether his wound was the cause, or what it was I cannot say, but he seemed to grow old and peevish, as it were, — all at once; and although he survived that, event seventeen years, and for five of them had Miss Medley, besides Chloe and myself, for his mistresses, and continued very fond of toying with us,seeing us naked, gamahuching, and the like, he never performed the act of love with that vigour,which formerly characterised him. He would sit by the window, looking dreamily out into the noble park which surrounds S*… n Hall, listening to the melancholy rustling of the trees, for hours.
Your ladyship knows what a singular penchant Sir Charles had for young girls; this taste of his grew upon him largely. He cared no longer for girls of twelve or thirteen, nothing would do then,but we must furnish him with pretty children, mere babies of six or seven. These little girls it was his delight to gamahuche, and at length he became impotent unless one or two of them were present when he desired our company, upon which Miss Medley Chloe, and I made very sad reflections.
At length one evening — well do I remember it — the 3rd of December, Sir Charles sent for me to his chamber.
' Phoebe, 'says he, ' I feel quite myself this evening, and am resolved to dress,go, child, and tell cook to let us have a good supper, — a roasted pheasant, or something of that sort. Here are my keys; get out some wine from № 8 bin; mind, with the green seal. Damme, we'll make a night of it.'
I obeyed his orders, and then returned to the dressing-room. Sir Charles was gay and merry;already he had donned his best wig and ruffled shirt; his rich embroidered suit, the — one made for him by Rivierre, of Paris, and which he had not worn for an age, lay on a chair near him.
The good gentleman was full of fun, and took all sorts of liberties with me while I helped him to dress, which you may be sure pleased me mightily,as they proved what excellent spirits he was in.
Going down at lenght into the long drawing-room,where a large fire burned brightly upon the hearth,he rang for Chloe and the little girls, with whom he amused himself till supper was ready, telling with great glee many of his old droll stories and double entendres; in short, he outdid himself by the brilliancy of his conversation, and the sparkle of his wit. I quite regretted'Mrs. Jackson (Miss Medley as used to be) was not present.
When supper was ready, he did the honours with his usual grace, drank bumper after bumper of Burgundy, and enjoyed himself as I had not seen him do for many a long year.
Supper over and the door fastened, the real fun of the evening commenced. Nothing would do but he must display before us some of his former vigour.
So, calling upon Chloe (who I must acquaint your ladyship, has grown up into a very fine woman) to kneel upon the sofa, he tossed up her clothes, and displayed to view her large, white dimpled posterior,beneath which might now be seen that no longer hairless cleft, the sweet sign of her sex, a rosy portal, which stood partly open to receive his wand.
While I was expecting the young girls to be called forward to gamahuche him, to the surprise of us all, Sir Charles undid his flap, and displayed his truncheon, hard and erect in all the pride of its former days. So without more ado, he caught a good hold of Chloe round the hips, and was into her in a minute. She, nothing loath, received him with hearty welcome, and began to wriggle and twist in good style.
In about ten minutes Sir Charles had done the trick, and lay upon her firm breasts,panting with delight.
When he had a little recovered himself, and had a glass of wine, he took the two little naked girls,placed one astride his pego, while he gamahuched the other. Then, being again ready for action, he led me to the sofa, and telling me to lie upon my back, commenced upon me quite en regie, Chloe,and the children skilfully manipulating meanwhile.
Nothing could exceed the furore with which he played his part, covering my face, neck, and breasts with kisses.
Suddenly a tremor seized him, he spent, and lay prone upon me like a log! Why was he so heavy? What meant that glassy sjtare? Oh, horror! — I lay joined to a corpse! Sir Charles was dead.
So soon as I became aware of this terrific fact, I struggled from under the body, and rising up, saw with feelings I can never forget, the awe-inspired countenances of my companions.
But my usual presence of mind came to my aid.I re-adjusted his dress, and laid the body gently on its back on the sofa, which bore the evidences of loves highest raptures.
How suitable a bier for the man! Alas! poor Sir Charles! I sent the children, under the care of Chloe,to bed. I put the room a little in order, and then,but not till then, did I pull violently at the bell, and summon the servants,
Three or four came running in.
" Quick! 'said I, 'run and fetch the doctor, you will find him at the Rectory, I heard him say he was going to have a rubber with the parson this evening.Run Sir Charles is in a fit!
They disappeared like lightning, for all his servants loved him, and I, yes, I was left alone with the corpse. Yes, there it lay in its embroidered suit,the waxy fingers glistening with gems, and the diamond shoe buckles flashing light. So still!Could this be the gallant Sir Charles? I could stand it no longer, and fairly blubbered like a child, for let me tell your ladyship, I truly loved that man!
In an incredibly short space of time, the doctor arrived, and he told me at once what I had previously understood — his old friend and benefactor was dead.
There was an inquest, when the jury returned the verdict: «Died by the visitation of God,» which for my part, I consider very ridiculous, as the doctor told those wiseacres that it was disease of the heart..