NOW!!!
Sometimes, however, even thoughtful and romantic gestures such as these don’t do the trick. Sometimes you find that the two of you, no matter how much you may once have cared for each other, are starting to drift apart. It’s the little things that give you away: you hardly ever talk any more; you no longer kiss each other when you come home; you live in different states; etc. Maybe it’s time to face up to the fact that you’re just not right for each other any more. Hey, it happens. People change. They get older, they get larger, and sometimes they start to smell bad. Maybe the time has come to think about—let’s come right out and say it:
Divorce
The most important thing is to get yourself a lawyer. Oh, I realize you probably think you and your spouse can work this thing out amicably without any third parties. But what if suddenly your spouse gets a lawyer, and you end up stone broke on the street wearing only a Hefty trash bag? You can’t afford to take this chance. You need a lawyer, too, so you and your spouse can both end up wearing Hefty trash bags. I recommend the ones with the patented “Cinch Sak” drawstring top.
How to Select a Lawyer
The best way to select a lawyer is to watch late-night television, which is where your top legal minds advertise. You’re looking for one who can demonstrate:
* Integrity, in the form of wearing a dark suit;
* A sound knowledge of the law, in the form of standing in front of a shelf with a lot of books on it; and
* A sincere personal interest in you, in the form of making the following speech: “Hello. I’m Leonard Packmonger, of Leonard Packmonger Legal Attorneys of the Law Associates. Does your back hurt sometimes? Do you ever use consumer products? If so, I would say that, based upon my many, many weeks of experience in handling cases just like yours, you definitely have good grounds for a major lawsuit. Come on in and let’s talk about it and sign some binding documents. just for stopping by, we’ll give you a free, no-obligation neck brace.”
Grounds for Divorce
At one time it was difficult to get out of a marriage unless there was some kind of very serious problem with it, such as that one or more of the people involved had become deceased.
Today, fortunately, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly. The only requirement is that you have a legal reason, which is technically known as “grounds.” If you have no grounds of your own, you can probably get some from your lawyer, who will have an ample supply left over from previous cases; or you can select some from this convenient list of grounds, all of which are 100 percent legally valid in every state in the union. Or at least they should be.
* Wearing shorts and black knee socks at the same time.
* Calling you “Sweetie Beancakes” in front of strangers.
* Forgetting to buy beer.
* Repeatedly putting the ice cube tray back in the refrigerator with two or fewer ice cubes in it.
* Bringing the car home with just enough gas in it so that, if you shut the engine off and coast on the downhill slopes, you can get as far as the end of the driveway.
* Any cigar-related activity.
* Standing next to you with a sour facial expression at a party while you tell
a really terrific joke and then loudly announcing the punchline three-tenths of a second before you get to it and then saying: “Isn’t that AWFUL?” (NOTE: In some states this is grounds not only for divorce, but also for murder.)
* Golf.
* One day, with no warning, bringing home:
1. a cat, or
2. an Amway representative.
* Leaving his or her toenails in a prominent location as though they were decorative art objects.
* Using the word “frankly” a lot and not meaning it as a joke.
* Operating a loud household appliance during the Super Bowl.
* Secretly liking Geraldo Rivera.
The Divorce Proceedings
You want to keep them as quiet as possible. You don’t want them to be highly publicized, like the divorce a few years back in Palm Beach, Florida, involving wealthy socialites Peter and Roxanne Pulitzer, in which Peter claimed that Roxanne had slept with a three-foot trumpet. Naturally the national news media found this to be far more interesting than anything that has ever happened in the Middle East, so now everybody has heard about it. Roxanne Pulitzer could visit a remote and primitive Amazon jungle tribe, and the tribespeople would all gather around her and make trumpet sounds.
So you want to avoid letting your intimate secrets out. Not that I am suggesting for one second that you have ever slept with a trumpet. You are more the bassoon type.
Starting Over after the Divorce
Eventually the divorce will become final, and you can start picking up the broken pieces of your life and selling them to pay off your legal bills. But also you must think about the future, and, yes, meeting someone new. You must not be afraid. Oh, sure, you got burned and you got hurt. But that is no reason to give up. You must not be afraid. You must show the same kind of gumption as the cowboy, who, if he gets thrown off a horse, climbs right back on, and if he gets thrown off again, climbs right back on again, and so on, until virtually all of his brain cells are dead.
Back to Chapter 1.
Index
Bazooka bubble gum, 47
Bra Strap Research Center, 29
Clam goaders, 48
Cleaver, Beaver, 14
Deviled Egg Transporter, 27
Elephant Man’s Disease, 6
Esplanade, Victor, 50
Flag, Capture the, 42
Giant albino turkeys, 19
Godzilla, 73, 74
Guard, Right, 16
Harriet, Ozzie and, 17
Helmsley, Leona, 33
Indonesian Fighting Snake, 82
Jell-O, 26
Karamazov, Brothers, 6
LeGume, Baron, 30
LeGoon, Dwayne R., Jr., 49
Lodge, Out O’Town Motor, 78
Loins of Passion, 30
Marcos, Ferdinand and Imelda, 80-81
Mayonnaise, XI Mongolian Death Flu, 51
Mutant argument topics, 67
National Rifle Association, 43
Nature, Mother, 22
Pancreas, rat, 10
Perot, H. Ross, 33
Pez, 48
Planet of the Ideal Women, 27
Pope, the, IX Princess Diana, having a wedding as nice as, 46
“Pumpkin Surprise,” 47
Roni, Zoo-, 74
Sea Cucumber Island Resort, 56-57
Secretion, Compound Annualized Rate of, 62
Service, Internal Revenue, 26
Seuss, Dr., 74
Sin, living in, 13-14
Somebody, Archduke, 66
Squid, having sex with, X Staff, joint Chiefs of, 27
Strategic Defense Initiative, 71
Strychnine, IX Summer Bosom Camp, 24
Taylor, Elizabeth, 36
Trumpets, having sex with, 85, 87
Tupperware, hurling, 14
Tupperware, role in sex act, 27
Urchins, sea, 7
Whip, Cool, 20
Whitman, “Slim,” 82
Wipes, Handi-, 45
World Series, IX
Ziggy, 62
Zippos, 3