But we werenÆt as easily defeated as this, and so we snuck out into the corridor, fully prepared to expand our search to the rest of the house.
And thatÆs when we heard it: sounds of lovemaking were coming from one of the other rooms.
Dooley and I froze and shared a look of surprise. When traipsing along in the house of a woman whoÆs just lost her husband to a terrible crime, the last thing one expects is the sound of a couple making love.
ôProbably the television,ö Dooley opined.
ôYeah, probably,ö I agreed.
Now I know we should have proceeded in the opposite direction of those sounds, since only trouble could come from investigating the matter further, but then cats will be cats, and my sense of curiosity was thusly tickled that I simply had to know what was going on. Of course different people react differently to grief, but this was one method of coping with the loss of a beloved spouse that I hadnÆt read about inCosmopolitan orGood Housekeeping. Even to Dr. Phil this was probably a novel approach to the agony of bereavement.
And so we found ourselves tiptoeing in the direction of the source of those sounds. A woman was moaning, a man was groaning, a mattress was squeaking and bed boards were slapping against the wall in a manner which signaled an explosion of hot passion.
My cheeks were burning underneath my fur, and from the worried glances Dooley shot in my direction as we crept ever closer to what was most probably the master bedroom, I could tell that he was as concerned with what weÆd find as I was.
ôWe have to stop them, Max,ö he whispered now. ôOr call the police!ö
ôWhy?ö I asked. ôAs far as I know thereÆs no law against this.ö
ôHeÆs murdering her, Max! Or sheÆs murdering him!ö
It is of course hard to distinguish between the sounds of a couple engaged in an act of carnality and a couple trying to murder each other. Both share certain similarities, but I think IÆm an old hand at recognizing the difference. Our humans are, after all, a recently married couple, and even though I prefer not to be present when theyÆre consummating their sacred bond, IÆve heard enough to know that this was not an act of murder but love.
So I pushed open the door to the bedroom, tiptoed around the bed, and gasped in shock at what my keen eyes observed.
Maisie Blandine was in bed with her brother-in-law Fabrizio Blandine, and they werenÆt playing a game of Scrabble!
Unfortunately for us, Dooley wasnÆt as skilled at keeping his surprise to himself, for when he caught a good look at the surprising couple, he squealed with sincere shock.
Maisie practically jumped to the ceiling, and so did Fabrizio, and the moment theyÆd switched on the light, both Dooley and myself found ourselves simply sitting there and staringùlike a pair of deer in the headlights!
Big mistake.
ôAaaaargh!ö Maisie screamed.
ôCats!ö Fabrizio hollered, as if we were the ultimate horror.
And then they were crawling out of bed and grabbing for anything they could find to throw at us!
Now the sight of humans in a state of undress is terrible enough in the best of times, but when they have murder on their minds, as these two clearly had, itÆs much, much worse!
Humans, you see, are not covered in fur, like cats are. While our physique is nicely concealed, providing an excellent esthetic, they have all their dangly stuff on full display.
Talk about a horror movie!
So Dooley and I screamed probably as loud or even louder than this twosome, and then made a beeline for the open window where we planned to make our speedy escape.
Unfortunately the Blandines had other plans. While Mr. Blandine cut off our avenue of escape, Mrs. Blandine had found a broom with which she seemed intent on hitting us where it hurt. Moments later, she had us cornered, and things looked very bleak indeed! It wasnÆt helped by the sight of all of her wobbly bits jiggling and joggling like crazy!
ôMax! Over here!ö suddenly a voice rang out. I looked past Maisie Blandine, still brandishing her broom, and sawà Brutus!
And then our friend let rip the most terrifying growl IÆve ever heard in my entire life!
It sounded like a mixture of a wolf and a lion, and had a profound effect on Maisie.
She whirled around and hollered,ôFabrizio! ThereÆs another one over there!ö
ôItÆs a cat infestation!ö Fabrizio cried, grabbing his hair in clear distress.
To the left of him, suddenly Harriet materialized, and she let out a caterwaul louder even than BrutusÆs war cry! Between the two of them, they produced the kind of noise that could inspire Stephen King to write a dozen novels and adapt them into movies, too.
With Maisie and Fabrizio on their toes, Dooley and I managed to reach the window, and as we watched, Harriet and Brutus beat a strategic retreat, the humans in the room too stunned now to mount an effective defense against this attack of the feline brigade.
Moments later we had all hopped it to the soft grassy lawn below, and ran as fast as our paws could carry us. We only stopped to catch our breath three backyards down the road, and I couldnÆt help but give both Harriet and Brutus a look of intense gratitude.
ôYou saved our lives,ö I said, panting heavily. ôWithout you guys we would have been caught!ö
ôYeah, they had us cornered,ö said Dooley.
ôWhy didnÆt you wait for us?ö Harriet asked, slightly peeved.
ôWhat do you mean?ö I said. ôI thought you didnÆt want to come.ö
ôOf course we wanted to come. But first I wanted a bite to eat,ö said Brutus.
ôAnd I needed to tinkle,ö said Harriet. ôNever leave home without a tinkle.ö
I slapped my brow.ôI thought you were afraid to head out so soon after that suicide mission with the duck people.ö
Harriet gave me a smile.ôMax, havenÆt you learned anything? Brutus and I will always have your back, no matter what.ö
ôYeah, we like to bitch and moan, but at the end of the day weÆre there for you,ö Brutus chimed in.
I have to say their words brought tears to my eyes. Though it could have been the close escape weÆd just had that made me uncharacteristically emotional all of a sudden.
ôDust in my eye,ö I murmured.
ôOh, Maxie baby,ö said Brutus, and actually gave me a hug!
ôSo what have we learned?ö asked Harriet.
ôThat Maisie and Fabrizio are having an affair,ö I said.
ôUnited in their grief, they must have found each other,ö said Dooley.
Somehow I had my doubts about that. But it did confirm a suspicion I had.
Which meant we hadnÆt risked life and limb for nothing. At least I hoped we hadnÆt!
Chapter 33
Chase wasted no time. The sun wasnÆt even up yet when an impressive contingent of police officers surrounded the house where Maisie Blandine lived. FabrizioÆs car was still parked in the driveway, so the bird hadnÆt yet flown the nest.
When the door opened and Maisie appeared, looking a little bleary-eyed and with a nightgown wrapped around herself, she blinked and said,ôWhatÆs going on?ö
Chase held up a piece of paper and said,ôThis is a warrant to search the premises, Mrs. Blandine. Are you alone in the house?ö
ôUmàö
Behind her, Fabrizio now also appeared, looking equally knackered. You canÆt spend half the night doing the horizontal mambo and the rest chasing a small contingent of feline intruders and not expect to feel the strain.
ôWhatÆs all this?ö asked Fabrizio.
ôHave you moved in with your sister-in-law, sir?ö asked Chase.
ôOf course not. What kind of a question is that?ö Fabrizio blustered.
ôFabrizio and I stayed up late, planning my husbandÆs funeral,ö said Maisie, having recovered from the surprise of finding Chase on her doorstep. ôAnd since it was late by the time we finished, he decided to stay over.ö
ôAnd before you jump to any conclusions, I slept in the spare bedroom,ö said Fabrizio.