Joe: Yes.
And Rita, you're committed to getting it across, right? Rita: Yes.
Now I simply search for alternative behaviors that are appropriate and acceptable to both of them.
You can use this variation any time the message intended will not produce productive results. So what if Joe knows that Rita is angry? That in itself is not likely to finish this interaction in a way satisfactory to both Rita and Joe. So I ask, «What is letting him know you are angry going to do for you?» «What are you going to accomplish by it?» «Are you satisfied to stop here, or is there some other goal you are after?» And Rita will find another goal. If she didn't have one originally, she'll make up one for us that will be more useful.
Notice that when I ask these questions, I get the outcome of the outcome, or the intent of the intent. I may have to ask this question four or five times until I find an outcome that both of them are interested in. What I'm really searching for is a message or outcome that both parties are interested in achieving. When I've found that, I've got about 75% of the negotiation work done. Once I've got an outcome frame that both parties congruently agree to, it's just a question of varying their behaviors until they find a specific way of getting there together.
OK. So Rita wants to send the message «I want you to demonstrate that you care," and Joe is interested in receiving it. Now I'm at a choice point. I can either get an alternative behavior from her or from him. If I'm using Rita to create a new behavior, I can ask «Rita, out of all the time you've spent together, do you remember a time when you were able to get the kind of attention and caring you want from Joe, that you are not presently getting? Do you remember ever being able to do that?» This is the same as step four of six–step reframing: creating alternatives. She now searches through her personal history and finds an occasion when she has successfully done this. I can have her remember in a specific and detailed way. «See yourself doing this very clearly; listen to the way you do it, etc. When you have seen and heard what you did in detail, try out that behavior with Joe, and we'll find out if it works here and now.»
If Rita says «I've never succeeded in the way that I'd like to," I ask for a model. «Who gets attention and caring from Joe? What does she do? Now you try it.»
I can even say «Well, make it up. Pretend as if you know how, and try it.» If I have an idea, I can coach her. «Why don't you try X, Y, and Z, in the following way?» These are all methods to get her to generate a new piece of behavior and then test it right here to make sure that it works: that the message intended equals the message received.
The one advantage to having Rita search in her own personal history as a way of generating new behaviors is that then you know it has worked in the past, and that it's congruent with her personal style. If you suggest something, it will be congruent with your personal style, but it may or may not match her style or his style.
Janet: When Rita thinks of a new behavior, do you anchor it?
I don't have to, but I usually «overkill» in seminars. Every chance I get to use another anchor, I do. Janet suggested that I could use one here, and she's absolutely right. As Rita searches and finds the example, I can anchor it and then say «OK, now let's try it.» I hold the anchor to stabilize the state from which she generates the behavior that worked before.
The other possibility is to use Joe as a creative resource to find alternative ways that Rita can use to satisfy her intention. In either case it is very important to first get a commitment from her that what she wants is important enough that she is willing to alter her behavior in order to get it.
«Rita, are you serious about really getting that message across? You do want his attention? That is important to you?» (Yeah.) It's very important to notice whether her voice tone and analogue behaviors are really congruent. In this case we have a really congruent commitment from her.
Rita, I know you're really serious about this. It's something that's really important to you as a woman. Now, Rita, is this important enough to you that you would be willing to change your behavior in order to get the response that you want? (Yes.)
Now I turn to Joe and say «And I take that as a compliment to you, Joe. She does want your attention. Now you know what she intends. She's saying 'Joe, I want your attention!' Do you understand that? That's not the message you got before, but now you can understand what she intends. The question is, can you instruct her in what, specifically, she can do so that you can recognize and respond to her intention? What can she do to get your attention in a positive way? Think of times in the past when she has done something that made you want to pay attention to her. What did she do then?»
Now I have him specify her behavior to match what he will be able to recognize and respond to. Rita is already committed to adjusting her behavior. She's committed to taking instructions from him about how to get his attention. Who knows better how to get his attention than he himself?
I want to point out that sequence is very important. I need to get her commitment first. If I don't do that, she will probably have a lot of objections to any change he suggests: «He's controlling me. He just wants to be in charge.» First I need to get her commitment that her wants are important—so important that she is willing to change her own behavior in order to satisfy them. This frames the changes in terms of her desires, so she'll be willing to go along with the changes. To him, I can frame it differently. I'll tell him that his responses are important to her—so important that she's willing to adjust her behavior so that it's easy for him to respond in the way she wants.
Woman: Can you say more about sequence? I think that's extremely important, and I want to know more about that.
We are syntacticians. If you were going to describe us as any kind of academician, that would be it. Syntax means «What goes where, and in what order.» The thing that makes the visual–kinesthetic dissociation such a good way of working with phobias is the order. One man we taught it to decided to use it «creatively," because he didn't want to be an android. So first he had people go all the way through the trauma, and then he had them dissociate. If you do it in that order, the person has to go through lots of pain, and that makes it very hard. If you do the dissociation first, and then go through the experience, your clients don't have to go through the discomfort. That makes it much easier and more elegant. The thing that makes NLP work go so quickly is that we make very practical decisions about what order we do things in, rather than saying «Oh, I could do X!» and rushing in and doing it.
Every book we've ever published says «Gather information!… Evolve system… . Solidify change.» That is the overall model. The emphasis is on «Gather information» because it's the part almost everybody leaves out. Most communicators go into their trance of doing whatever they do, and when somebody comes in, they just fire off the technique. Often the same technique would work if they did something else first.
Woman: That's why I asked the question. Let's say that you have the information. How do you decide what to do and in what sequence? What goes on in your head before you start doing something?