Etsuko was the eldest in her family; she had two younger brothers. Her family couldn’t afford to spend so much on her entrance exams. The fact that her grades weren’t good enough to get into one of the national and public universities put further strain on the household.
And yet, both her teachers kept trying to persuade her to hedge her bets – they were remarkably insistent.
It’s not possible. My family doesn’t have the money to gamble like that on my exams. I have my younger brothers to think about.
Even if she’d left this crammer and found another one, she still had to contend with her high school.
Etsuko consulted with her parents and studied the exam schedules, taking into consideration the deadlines for submitting enrolment fees and prioritizing the institutions that would prepare her for a professional qualification. All the while, her form teacher remained tenacious as ever.
Just think about it – you might get in there, and if you do, what a stroke of luck!
C’mon, give me a break already! she had wanted to scream at him. ‘You might …’ ‘Hedge your bets.’ ‘A stroke of luck.’ With those odds and knowing her family’s circumstances, was he really telling her to gamble with her parents’ money?
I wish I was smart enough to apply to that university. It’s always been my dream one. If I thought I actually had a real chance of getting in, I might be willing to be selfish enough to nag my parents to let me take the exam.
But even studying hard – diligently going to cram school – to still only be told that she ‘might’ be accepted …?
She couldn’t ask her parents to hang their hopes on that ‘might’, which if she got in, meant throwing away the enrolment fee for her backup choice.
In other words, there was no way she could go to her dream university, even if she were accepted. Acknowledging the limitations of her family’s financial situation also meant that she was a grownup now.
She would have preferred it if her teacher had told her that the university was beyond her reach. For him to have bluntly discouraged her. That would have been more compassionate.
For me it wouldn’t have been just a simple ‘stroke of luck’! Maybe for the school and for yourself, you see my stroke of luck as a boost to your success rate.
Now, even just seeing her teacher’s face made her feel sick to her stomach. His expectations for her performance hadn’t panned out, and trying to avoid him was stressful.
It just wasn’t going to happen – now that it was apparent, she would finally be free from all the pressure he’d been putting on her.
‘So you weren’t up to snuff after all.’ That’s what he’d said.
Did he have to be so cruel?
Soon it would be Christmas. This was some present from Santa!
‘You haven’t been yourself lately.’
Etsuko’s boyfriend may not have known all his kanji but he made up for his cluelessness by being kind.
Christmas Eve had fallen on a weekday, so they were celebrating a belated Christmas together on the following weekend.
When he had arrived to pick her up in his car, he had taken one look at her glum face and seemed to intuit that it was because of her exam studies.
‘You’re on the home stretch now. It’s really tough, I feel for you.’
Wrong – it wasn’t that she was so worn down from all the studying. It was about her teacher saying that she wasn’t up to snuff.
‘If you don’t feel like going out, it’s all right. I can take you home.’
For a moment she contemplated taking him up on his offer.
‘Anytime you want to go home, just let me know. But first …’
They happened to be stopped at a red light, and her boyfriend pulled a plain white paper bag from his jacket pocket.
‘I know we were going to pick out our Christmas presents together, but I wanted to give this to you first. I got it on my recent business trip to Kyushu.’
The paper bag was printed with red letters – the name of the famous shrine, Dazaifu Tenmangu. Inside was a pink omamori amulet for success in college entrance exams.
‘I figured, since you’re in exam hell, you need an amulet. I went to the shrine to pray for your success. I even got up onto the part of it that looks like a veranda.’
‘You mean the haiden, the hall of worship,’ she told him. ‘So … you think I’m going to pass my exams?’ Etsuko asked, going straight to the heart of the matter.
‘Well, of course! Why wouldn’t I?! It goes without saying that I support you going to whichever school you decide on. How can you even ask?’
The light turned green and he started driving.
He got her a pink one for the simple reason that she was a girl. There must have been a bunch of colours to choose from and he went with the pink amulet that now dangled in front of her.
‘What do you want to do, go back home?’
‘How come you’re so keen to get rid of me?’
‘I’m not! It’s just that with your exams, you must be tired. Maybe you don’t feel like being dragged around.’
‘Yeah, but when I’m studying I also need to take a break. Hey, feel like taking me to the place with a view?’
‘What about your present? I thought we might go to Kobe.’
‘It’ll be so crowded there today, let’s save it for next time. I’d rather it just be the two of us.’
When she said this, she saw his profile turn red.
‘You’re always so direct, but every so often you say something sweet. Why don’t we head over to Mount Rokko?’ he said, turning the steering wheel.
Etsuko had only just learned how grownups kiss.
Previously she had always got scared and pulled away, but he had never pressured her, not once. She would hold back, unable to tell him that what scared her was actually how good it felt – and still, he just let her take her time.
No matter how many times they’d been up this mountain road, it always seemed new to her – this time he parked the car by the side of it in a little-known spot where the view was indeed lovely. As they kissed, Etsuko always got nervous, her back stiffening, whenever a rare car passed them in the opposite direction.
Those oncoming cars had always coincided with her pulling away, until now … This time, when a car passed them, his lips murmured over hers with wonder, ‘You know, a car just went by …’
‘Today, I’m OK with it. Kiss me again.’
As if filling in the blank in what Etsuko had requested, he kissed her with more passion.
She realized how much he’d been holding back all this time.
Their kiss lasted a long time, until—
‘Sorry, I have to stop,’ he said.
Etsuko had been clinging to him but he held her by the shoulders and away from him.
‘Why?’ She felt like she finally understood how to respond.
He sighed and leaned against the steering wheel.
‘If we go any further, it’ll be too much for me. I don’t think I can hold back.’ He gave her a pained and embarrassed smile.
‘It’s OK.’ She wanted to give herself over to this feeling of being cherished.
He looked up at her, startled. Etsuko was facing straight ahead.
‘Why don’t we stop somewhere instead of going home? I’m ready.’
‘But—’
‘I want to,’ she insisted.
Without another word, he started the car.
Etsuko didn’t remember the name or location of the love hotel where he had brought her.
‘I’m going to take a shower first,’ she said.
This wasn’t a big deal. Nothing to be nervous about. There were definitely girls in her class who had done this already. Etsuko and her friends were just late bloomers.
She wanted to give herself to him. She knew that he would be gentle with her.