But what would have been the point? Loose ends? Never been on a case yet when there weren’t loose ends. We’re detectives, for Christ’s sake! Servants of the State, not instruments of God. One thing I’ve learned in all these years is, dealing with human beings, you never know everything, not even when you know everything there is to know. So I said, you’ve done well, lad. No trial, no comeback! Relax and enjoy it!
Can’t stop yourself thinking, but, as the minister said when he baptized twenty Girl Guides in the municipal swimming pool.
Thought I’d got meself under control till I went down to breakfast this morning and there was Franny Roote sitting chatting with some of the other inmates. He gave me a grin and a cheerful wave and I thought of picking up his wheelchair and hoying it off the terrace. Instead I waited till he came rolling up to me, as I knew he would, and I asked him what he’d got to look so happy about.
He said, “I don’t know, Andy. But somehow this feels like one of those days when anything’s possible. I’m sure you’ve had them, one of those days when you know the putts are going to drop, the conversion kicks are going to soar over the bar, the beer’s going to be at just the right temperature, and round the next corner you’ll bump into the girl of your dreams.”
He were right. I have had them. Those days when if you had any sense you’d raise every penny you could beg borrow or steal, and put it all on a horse you’d chosen by sticking a pin in a race card!
But this didn’t feel like one of them, not for me any road.
I said, “Hope you’re right, lad.”
And off he went, doling out yon Third Thought crap like a farmer with a muck spreader.
Leaving me thinking, There’s a loose end I’d love to tie up afore I leave here! Mebbe I’ll get him to himself later on at the Festival of Health opening ceremony and have a real heart-to-heart. One or two others I’d like a last word with, even if it’s only to say good-bye. They’ll all be there at Brereton Manor. Some I’ll kiss, some I’ll kick, likely there’ll be a bit of booze going, I feel up to supping my share this time so I must be getting better! Then first thing tomorrow morning Cap’s coming to collect me, and it’s good-bye, Sandytown!
One last thing is to clear all my recording from Mildred.
Let’s take a look…
Fuck! Bet it’s dead easy, but one thing cunning old Fester never told me was how to erase stuff. Got to be sure it’s all gone afore I give it him back. Mebbe I’ll just hang on to it, then take it down to the rugby club one Saturday night and get the lads down there to record fifty choruses of “The Indian Maid” over what I’ve said, then post it back to Fester!
Meanwhile Pet’s coming to pick me up any moment. Don’t want to risk losing this during the drunken orgies, so I’ll pop it back in the bog cistern for safety. Young Charley’s a whiz with electronics, I’ll have a word with her, she’ll likely know how to clear it.
Good-bye, Mildred. I’ve enjoyed it but we can’t keep on meeting like this.
Good-bye!
3
FROM: charley@whiffle.com
TO: cassie@natterjack.com
SUBJECT: definitely the end! or maybe the beginning!!
Cass, I lied! Next time Id be writing from home-I said. Should have remembered-you dont get away from Oz till it lets you go! So still here-George downstairs drinking tea with the Parkers-Min wrapped round his legs! — while Im up here packing-he thinks! Too much to get off my chest to you to think of that. So here goes.
Everyone assembled for the opening ceremony of the Festival of Health- amp; I mean everyone. Real buzz in the air-funny that-death hasnt depressed Sandytown-its brought it alive! The council freeloaders were all there again-ready to start on the booze where theyd been cut short at the hog roast. The Denhams of course-Ess looking v gorgeous amp; sexy in a-I think-Versace two piece-could scratch her eyes out! — Ted in a linen suit straight Out of Africa-every inch the benevolent Lord of the Manor. Then there were the Parkers-Tom-energy bursting out of him like a space rocket before liftoff-Mary-creamy Laura Ashley frock almost as pale as her face-looking like an Avalon convie-the kids running riot-Min asking me every two minutes when George was arriving. Diana was here too-of course! Too busy to stop amp; talk-acting as if she was a principal mover amp; actor-assuring me in passing that shed been on her feet the whole morning-despite the high price she knew she would pay for such exertions.
The nature of the occasion required a strong presence from the Avalon-principal among them Dr Feldenhammer in a white suit-looking ready to operate at the drop of a hat or a hernia-in his train Nurse Sheldon-suffering in the heat-but clinging close to her boss amp; interposing her ample frame between him amp; any pretty young thing that took his fancy with an admirable determination that made me wonder if maybe he hadnt just exchanged one strict keeper for another.
A thought has occurred-remember I was puzzled why Feldenhammers been so willing to throw his weight behind Toms support of alternative therapies? Simple answer-Sidney Parker! Min told him about seeing the doc amp; his Indian patient on the beach- amp; I bet Sid dropped a couple of large hints to get the doctor jumping aboard brother Toms hobbyhorse! Almost feel sorry for Feldenhammer-being blackmailed 3 ways for 1 offense!
Naturally all of Toms motley bunch of quacks were there too. I had a word with Miss Lee-looking more oriental than ever-even though its become clear in the past few days that her origins as Miss Doris Godley-late of Leeds amp; Tescos-far from being a well kept secret-was generally known- amp; disregarded as being of no importance! I asked her where her brother was-she said he was around somewhere-but I couldnt see him anywhere.
I thought-maybe hes avoiding me. I mean the pain of being in the presence of someone who inspires a deep but unrequitable passion must be intense. Made me feel a bit guilty- amp; a bit complacent too. I resolved if I saw him to try amp; put him at his ease. Being an object of desire has its responsibilities too-but youll know all about that!
Someone tapped me on my shoulder with a force that almost knocked me over. It was Andy Dalziel. I said-remind me not to get arrested by you! He grinned amp; said-best keep thy nose clean then lass! — Ill be back on the job soon-
I said-winding him up- amp; will you be reopening the case?-
That got a reaction.
— why? — what do you mean? — very perturbed.
I said-I mean the case of Dr Feldenhammer amp; his dalliance with a patient-for all we know hes a serial interferer!-
He shook his great head amp; said-nay lass-bit of humanity eh? — us men are weak vessels-determined woman gets her hands on us-we are putty- amp; from what I hear-yon Indian lass were real determined-
— so-as usual-its the womans fault?-
— nay-he said-its a design fault-so blame the engineer-not the engine-
Interesting-seemed to come from the heart-but before I could dig further-Franny Roote came rolling up in his chair.
Andy said-Ive been looking for you Roote-whats kept you so long?-
amp; Franny replied-my ministering doesnt run to a timetable Andy-as youll find if you care to join your fellow patients next time I call at the Avalon-
— Ill not be there next time-said Andy-Im off home tomorrow- amp; theres a few things I need to get sorted afore I go-starting with thee!-
I thought this sounded promising-but before anything more could be said the Sandytown Brass Band-which had been playing a selection from the Shows-suddenly struck up the kind of fanfare you get when the Queen turns up somewhere- amp; as it died away over the loudspeakers a voice I recognized as Diana Parkers said-ladies amp; gentlemen-the opening ceremony will now commence-please give your attention to the man of the moment-Mr Tom Parker!-