“According to military sources, Israel’s situation on the battlefield can best be described as a turnabout win for David over Goliath. However, because I am compelled to follow the guidelines of Israel Defense Forces censorship, I can provide only sketchy details. We do know that Jerusalem has been liberated and that the port of Haifa is expected to be functioning sometime later today, Israel time. I am given to understand that about half the occupying Muslim forces have melted back over Israel’s borders, while as many as three hundred thousand, let me repeat that, three hundred thousand Arab and Iranian troops are bottled up in several so-called pockets, completely surrounded by Israeli forces. What their fate is, no one will say, but according to the IDF spokesman’s office these will be treated as prisoners of war according to the Geneva Convention, with full access by the International Committee of the Red Cross. I spoke earlier this morning with Dr. Heinz Wortzel of that organization, who tells me he expects full cooperation from the IDF.
“To sum up, Damian, nothing better illustrates the situation here in Israel than the scene just behind me, where as you can see bombed-out Arab aircraft have been bulldozed out of the way and Israeli-piloted warplanes carrying the markings of the Kuwaiti Air Force have been taking off and landing for hours. How this strange situation came about is something I expect to reveal exclusively to CNN viewers as soon as technically feasible. However, I can assure you, Damian, the full story is likely to go down in the annals of military history as—”
“Connie, let me jump in here. We’re getting reports from other sources, so far unconfirmed, regarding the Arab invasion’s tragic effect on the Palestinians, with reports of mass executions by the Arab armies and wholesale flight from these persecutions. I know it’s very late for you, Connie, and that you and your crew have been working without sleep in order to bring CNN viewers here at home and around the world this startling exclusive coverage. But is there something you might add concerning what may emerge as a significant political, if not humanitarian, problem as the days wear on?”
“Damian, I attempted earlier to reach the office of Yigal Lev, who is identified as Israeli’s acting prime minister, but on this question a spokesman would say only, and I quote—” She reads from a sheet of paper. “—‘The government of Israel remains sympathetic to the deplorable suffering of the Palestinian people at the hands of the neighboring Arab regimes, but considers this to be an internal problem of the Arab world.’ As to if and when Israel’s borders will open to Palestinians who fled Arab attacks and may wish to return to their homes, I was told only, and here again I quote, ‘The return of Arab citizens of Israel to their homes in the —’”
“Is he saying, Connie, Palestinians who are not citizens—”
“Damian, if you don’t mind. ‘The return of Arab citizens of Israel to their homes in the State of Israel according to its biblical borders is assured.’ I can’t confirm this, but it does appear Israel intends to formally annex the West Bank and possibly Gaza now that both areas have been nearly completely depopulated of Palestinians by the invading Arab armies. If so, I’m afraid we are looking at another perilous development in the rather unpleasant history of Israel-Arab relations.” She pauses, leaning forward. “I’m sorry, Damian, I didn’t quite get that.”
“Sorry to interrupt, Connie, but we now have news that may make the Middle East situation even more complicated. According to information just received, Ayatollah Nasr Sadiqi, president of Iran and also its leading cleric, has declared a fatwa, or religious edict, calling for Muslims to enact a death sentence on the State of Israel, which he claims has intentionally destroyed the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem, said to be Islam’s third most holy site. The fatwa specifically stipulates that all Israelis are to be destroyed, including women and children, and I quote, ‘So that they may not propagate their evil.’ Iranian authorities have now vowed to destroy Israel with nuclear weapons. Here’s an excerpt from a news conference in Tehran which ended only moments ago.”
On the screen behind Smith, the bearded mullah’s high-pitched rant opens at full volume and then is reduced so the halting voice of a simultaneous translator may be heard. “The Jewish trickery will be… solved… fixed. And this… invites, will cause a second and final holocaust upon the Hebrew sons of monkeys and dogs, even the infants. Therefore we have commanded… invited the Muslim armies and all Muslim peoples to leave Palestine so that our sacred bombs will fall only upon the Jewish Nazis and their Christian allies. In a matter of hours this sacred soil will be… cleansed… in vengeance, in the vengeance of God, against those beasts who destroyed the sacred holy shrines of Islam.”
“Jesus H. Christ,” the president says, buttering a slice of cornbread. “I thought those Eyeranian assholes don’t have nukes.” He clicks off the television with a remote emblazoned with the presidential seal. No one else is authorized to use it.
“You will recall, Mr. President,” Felix St. George says, “as early as two years previously I very strongly urged not to accept the word of the mullahs on the nuclear question. It is firmly within Muslim tradition that in dealing with the infidel—”
“Have we got anything from Tel Aviv?”
“We keep calling, but they’re not answering,” Admiral Staley says. “The Israelis are toying with us. They don’t want a ceasefire this time. They’re going for the whole nine yards.”
Flo Spier is all over this. “At least Israel hasn’t gone nuclear, sir. Mr. President, your airlift will go down in history as having averted an atomic war on the part of Israel. This recent development certainly can’t be laid at your feet.”
“Yeah, well, we restrained the Jews all right,” the president says, salting his cornbread, “but we can’t restrain the towelheads. All it takes is one bomb to take out the whole of Israel—what is it, the size of Rhode Island?” He thinks about this. “Or New Jersey, somebody said. I think it’s New Jersey.”
“Mr. President,” General Hefty says. He has barely eaten. “As you yourself noted, we are committed to defend Israel in case of nuclear attack. Ipso facto the US is treaty-bound to hit Iran. Sir, the fuckers are announcing a nuclear attack. There’s six million Israeli civilians packed in there about to be kosher barbecued. Mr. President, we have the means to stop it. Is it a go?”
“Felix, break it to him gentle-like.”
“If you look closely at the treaty, General Hefty, we’re committed to defend Israel in the event of a nuclear attack, not in advance of one.”
General Hefty is about to lose it. “Mr. President, that is the most cynical sentence I have heard in Washington in my lifetime, and this is far from my first rodeo.”
The president considers another slice of cornbread. “Might well be, Arthur. But let me ask you this: What’s one pissant country compared to ensuring that we and our allies do not run out of the lifeblood of democracy and the American way of life?”
“Sir, my letter of resignation will be on your desk in the morning.” The president decides to go for the cornbread—he can swim it off in the morning. “Arthur, I like a man with ideals. But should we attack Eyeran, the US is at war with the whole Muslim world. Which means no oil. Zip. We’re not just talkin’ high-priced gas—our pumps will go as dry as a widow’s pussy.”
“In an election year,” Flo Spier adds, as if she must.