She had my X-rays clipped up on the light box just to the side of our booth, and she didn’t at all like what she saw. I had to take the offensive, before she finished me off. “Are you afraid?”
The idea amused her. “Of who?”
I might have drawn her up a list: all the people who’d want you dead just for traveling on the only passport you get. She knew the costs, hidden and obvious, even just for singing across town. Avoidance might not be fear. It might be more like fear’s opposite. “Simple preference, then?”
“Oh, I’ll sing whatever glory’s sitting on the music stand.”
“But only religious music.”
Delia played with the salt and pepper shakers. “All music’s religious music. All the good parts anyway.” It was true: Even her languorous, sultry Portuguese siren song had seduced for a brighter flame.
“Well, I’ve heard what you did to that backwoods German cracker. So I know this isn’t about cultural ownership.”
“Oh, but it is.” As soon as she spoke the words, everything was. No culture without owners, without owned.
“You’re anti-Europe?” Sick, imperial, supremacist, and striving to please the eternal angels.
“‘Anti-Europe’?” Delia rolled her eyes. “Can’t very well be that. Though Europe has cost me more cars than we’re going to talk about today, honey. No, can’t be anti-Europe without doing more amputation than is good for a body. Every song we sing’s got white notes running through it. But that’s the beauty of the situation, cuz. We’re making a little country here, out of mutual theft. They come over into our neck of the woods, take all we got. We sneak over into their neighborhood, middle of the night, grab a little something back, something they didn’t even know they had, something they can’t even recognize no more! More for everybody that way, and more kinds of everybody.” She shook her head. A low mezzo growl of despite came out of her chest. “No. Can’t be anti-Europe when everyone’s part Europe. But got to be pro-Africa, for the same reason.”
Surely her church loved her too much to keep her to themselves. “Thousands could hear you. Hundreds of thousands.”
“As many as hear your brother?” She regretted the words as soon as they were out.
“You could change the way people think.”
“Change! You still waiting for music to cure us? Bach? Mozart? Nazis love them, too. Music never cured anyone. Look at your poor sister. Look at her man. Figure that out with music. Do you have a single song you can sing her to take care of her now? One single song that can do anything for her, that won’t shrivel up and die of helpless shame?”
It wasn’t too late for me to learn a trade. Some honest living. I could still type. Typing and filing for a pro bono law firm. I took a breath, went down into my bass days with Voces Antiquae, already ancient history. “The song is only as good as its listener.”
“Your sister. For her. For her.”
I looked for what I believed. “Maybe we sing for ourselves.”
“At least that. Nothing without that. But nothing if only that. We need a music that sings to anyone. That makes them sing. No audience!”
“AM radio.”
“Can’t hurt me with that.”
“Gospel sings to anyone?” I had another list for her, if she wanted it.
“Anyone with ears to hear.”
“That’s just it. Our ears only hear what sounds people get a chance to know.”
“Oh, people know. Listen. Every beautiful sound comes from saying what’s happened to us. Well, name someone who’s had more happen to them than us.”
“Us?”
“Yes, cuz.”
Her words blunted the ones that were loaded in my throat. I had no comeback but the one that shamed me most. “I’m greedy. I want to hear…” All those implicated, complicit, compromised old warhorses. She could work their salvation. Only a black voice could do that now. “I want to hear that music…redeemed.” Hear it be, at last, what it had always pretended to be.
Delia glowed a moment with the thought. But I was the devil, tempting her to turn stones into bread. “Cuz, cuz. You’re not getting this. I’ve got my church. My Jesus.”
“Doesn’t he come from Europe?”
She grinned. “Ours comes from a little south of there. Listen to me. I’ve got my work. I’ve got ours. You hear how glorious that word sounds? I don’t blame you for living your life. You were raised when we still thought the only way to get what they got is to copy their stuff. We’re us and ain’t never gonna be them, and where’s the pain in that? Just as big — bigger, given the whole story. Why you working so hard over something you can’t save and doesn’t want to be?”
For the same reason that makes us sing anything. I glanced around the restaurant. All shades imaginable. Nobody much cared that I was there or had any stake in my desperation. I looked at my cousin. The national color averaged out somewhere between us. “You’re saying separate but equal?”
“That’s right. Where’s the problem? Different cultures, equal status.”
“Equal status with the dominant culture?”
“They only dominate those they can.”
“I thought the whole point was that separate could never be—”
“There’s a big difference now. Now, it’s our choice.”
But if it were impossible — impossible to search for chords outside of us, impossible to find that scale, that tune that sang beyond this time and place… I wanted more than this invented moment and this enforced difference, more than this wary truce pretending to be the peace we’d always been seeking. I tried with everything in me. I turned her words around more ways than there were ways to turn. “You’re saying that you can only sing what you are?”
The coffee came. By the time the waitress left, they’d exchanged recipes, boyfriend grievances, and phone numbers. Then it was just the two of us. Delia wrapped her hands around her hot mug, drawing heat and horizon-wide pleasure. “Where were we again? No, no. I think it’s more like: You can only be what you sing.”
“My sister could have been a singer. She had a voice to convert anyone.”
“Joseph Strom!” I jerked my head up. For a moment, she was my mother, reprimanding a boy of nine. My cousin’s eyes were wet. She shook her head, horrified. “Listen to her, for once. Just listen.”
I did. It would have come to me, sooner or later. I joined Ruth one evening for her routine walk around the neighborhood. Our aunts and uncle told her she was crazy, taking her life in her hands. They didn’t even like to ride down the street with their windows rolled up. Her evening walks sent Papap into fits. She waved them all away. “I’m safer out here than I am standing in front of Independence Hall. I’d sooner trust my life to the worst crackhead than to any police officer in this country.”
Much of the neighborhood was out on their front porches, living in public, the way people lived in Ghent, the way few Americans above the poverty line lived. My sister greeted everyone we passed, sometimes by name. “I like to think about Grandma and Papap walking out here when they were young.”
“Do you ever think about Da’s parents, Ruth? I’m not fighting with you. I’m not… I’m just…”
She held up her palm sideways and nodded. “I’ve tried. I can’t even… You know, I’m addicted to the survivor accounts. I’ve seen every Holocaust documentary ever made. You’d have to be dead to have a memory big enough. The way I think about…our other grandparents? The supremacists got them, too.”
“Even though they were white.”
“They weren’t white. They weren’t even the same species. Not to the people running the ovens. We were sent along with them, what few of us were there.”