He was such a quiet man. Well, still is. Never used the bell once. Even when he had to. So he messed himself. I used to get angry at him. Ask why he didn’t buzz for the pan. He said he knows we’re busy. Thought he could contain it till we came in on our own accord. Extra considerate like that. It’s terrible. Working here you grow hard to these people sometimes. Like they’re just very little people for all the money they have. Who have to be washed and watched but not remembered. Or else you think they’re just animals of the worst sort. Who mess their own nest. I’ve seen them do that and playing with it in zoos. Gorillas. Animals who stand up like that with intelligence. But he was different. Such a decent man he was. There I go speaking again like he’s dead. Maybe he is. Maybe the dark spirit of death is trying to give me news. His or the hospital news in general. They brought him to intensive care. Who I’ve heard have about given up hope. Right here. Jab jab. Nice and deep too. Not just a threat. Give me this or I’ll do that. Oh no. I hate scenes like that with his wife. I was there soon after she first saw. I can do anything. Cleaning up the filthiest dentures or out the oldest bags. Dealing with the most unsightly sores and smells. You name it. Everything. Throwing up their bowels. Peanuts to us. Human garbage men. But the scene of someone crying for the near or dead I can’t take. I choke up too. The end’s the worst. We’re not all rough and hard. Smoking cigarettes in their rooms. Relatives shouldn’t be allowed in hospitals anymore. No, that’s silly to say. Actually they can be a great help. Pitching in for some of what we can’t. But if I had a list of patients I liked best? His would be up at the top ten. Fourth. Maybe third. The top three left me some blessings in their wills. But he was so cheery till he heard. And it was partially our fault. We should have been more careful with those socks. Even the cleats got stuck in his skin. But if the doctors weren’t? Then who would expect us? But he never put us to blame. Forget the wills. First. Right up there second or first. He said that’s fate. Not by design but by accidents. Said this right to my face. And not just to please me you know. I’m going to call I.C. to see how he’s getting along. I was going to say if they tell me he’s dead I’ll die.
So the old man’s gone and done it. I’d say it was almost a courageous act. And I don’t want any looks at me like that. You even know what it takes to slash your wrists? Not that I’m not glad you don’t know, though I once tried doing myself in. Worse than slashing myself also I thought, though don’t look so scared. I wouldn’t try it again. Though why should I be so confident to say never I don’t know, though I surely have no plans for it now. Threw myself in front of a subway train. It was moving at the time too. Better than moving it was going at almost top speed, which is why I chose it, though I don’t know why. Meaning I don’t know why I actually tried it. I was eighteen. Very morose young man, a depressive-depressive. Felt nothing was going right or even would go anything but wrong, though how could I have been so right at such a young age? I also had incipient belated acne and the first half-inch of premature hair loss, but that’s how strongly I then felt. I fell between the rails. Does all this seem like a lie? Tried catching the train as it shot out of the tunnel at the start of the station platform, but I must have jumped too fast. I’ll never know for sure, though I certainly wasn’t pushed from behind. All I got for my try was a lot of explaining to do about torn clothing and this cheek scar here from the broken glass in the well between the rails. And the perdurable image of what it’s like underneath a train going sixty or so per. Uproarrrr. Powerfulnesssss. But he should have waited till late evening if he wanted to meet with success. You think he did it at ten because he knew my mom was coming in? She says no and for now he can’t say but he could have heard her in the hall. She’s small and her heels are always high and she has a characteristic quick clicking walk. You think I’m talking like this to pluck myself up for the unavoidable when I see my two? Mom and dad, misidentify thy son. But the question should be do I think I’m talking like this to steel myself for what almost must be faced? But I better go now as the plane leaves in an hour. I’ll miss you a load, toots. The key’s where it usually is. The bed’s been rigged to cave in at any weight over 110. Also don’t overfeed the sea horses with baby shrimp, and the mynas, turtles, lizards and dogs. The bees can take care of themselves.
No, it’s not even an endemic. It’s two isolated cases coming within twenty hours of each other at the same hospital but in different buildings, that’s all. One because he’s terminal and inoperable and the other because he believes he can’t go on without a leg that must come off. What’s unparalleled for us is that they happened on consecutive days. What’s not uncommon is that they happen in hospitals. Running this conglomerate is satisfactorily unmanageable without dreary rumors being spread and patients and staff becoming perturbed. My advice is to drop the matter, for there’s no story here other than the most witless yawny feature piece of a hospital administrator earnestly trying to squelch the commencement of a full-scale scandal and the perhaps more heart-tickling subsequent blurb of a reporter being denounced or bounced because he persisted in writing the original story.
Morris leaned over the counter and says so and so your patient? I says he was on my floor. He says was you could almost have said but still is is what you should be saying. I say I know and it was only a minor verbal oversight on my part. He says rather than only a minor oversight it was a major blunder that could have been a total medical center setback and financial clobbering. I say I think I know what you’re saying and I’m sorry. He says I should hope you would know what I’m saying and I’d be a lot more than sorry. I say what else would you like me to be? He says all I ask is that you sec nothing like it happens again. I say you’re not saying you don’t think I didn’t do everything possible to see it didn’t happen in the first place? He says yes I’m sure you did everything you could possibly do to see it didn’t happen but perhaps what I’m saying is you didn’t do enough. I say enough it was, Mr. Morris, believe me. I’ve seventeen rooms and there was only me and the aide Patson, because two nurses had called in sick and the other aide that day quit and every room was wanting some kind of attention. If you don’t like my performance here then you can just say so. He says I’ve just said so. Then is that in so many words a discharge on your part? I say. It’s nothing of the sort on my part since for one thing there’s a nurse shortage and for another I don’t even know whether I still have that power, he says. Then what is it? I say. It’s an admonition, that’s all, he says. A what? I say. A warning to be more careful the next time, he says. I was very careful the first time, I say. Then be even more careful the next time, he says. As I already said I was very careful but he needs private nurses around the clock, I say. That’s up to his family, he says. Then tell his family, I say. You know that even his doctor can only recommend that to his family, and goodnight, he says. And goodnight to you, I say. Was that an admonition on your part? he says. A what do you mean by what? I say. By the way you said goodnight, he says. It’s what you might call a warning, I say. When it gets to be more than a warning then you can say so to me personally and in private, he says. If there happens to be a next time then I’ll do that, I say, while the patients are ringing and from both corridors I can hear them bleating and I’ve a dozen syringes to fill and pill orders to make up and still two patients to put to bed and I don’t know how many sutures to check and the linens for the next shift haven’t yet shown and Patson, Patson, Patson’s saying will I please listen to him a second as he’s ill and a trifle woozy and could I get a replacement for him tonight or at least give him a two-hour rest after his meal?