I stood up, carrying my plate to the sink, murmuring. “Let me think about it.”
I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. The wine had made me sleepy and way too relaxed, and when Gretchen curled up on the couch beside me and put her head in my lap just like she used to, I didn’t say a word. TJ sat in the chair across from us, watching, listening to us talk-
reminisce, really. It was as if someone had hit “pause” on the tape and had now pushed “play.” We just picked up where we left off, soft voices. low laughs, inside jokes, our fingers twined together.
When Gretchen yawned, stretched and sat up, saying she had to get back, it was very late, and I didn’t want her to go. TJ helped her on with her coat and her kiss goodbye was a little longer and too lingering to be called just friendly. She gave TJ a hug and thanked him again for calling. I knew it was coming and had planned my even, measured response to it, but when she said the words, mine wouldn’t come.
“We’re flying out Monday.” She squeezed my hands in hers, swinging them, and it made me feel like a little girl. “Doc says just give him the word and he’ll book your tickets.”
“I—” They weren’t there, those words I’d planned, the polite refusal, the kind turn-down. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t say them-it was as if they didn’t exist anymore. “I’ll let you know.”
“Please.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek, her lips brushing the corner of my mouth, making me shiver. “Please come.”
With that, she was gone.
TJ closed the door, calling for her to be careful on the snowy stairs and then turned to me. “What do you think?”
I plopped down on the couch, still warm from where Gretchen and I had been cuddled together. “I think I’m in over my head.”
“Time to grow gills?” He sat beside me and took my hand.
“TJ…” I sighed, not looking at him.
“It’s sort of a once in a lifetime thing, isn’t it?”
“Well, in my case, apparently…twice?”
He grinned, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Lucky you.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “Lucky me…”
I knew I was really going to go through with it when I decided to shave everything down there. Honestly, I think I knew the moment I saw Gretchen again, but shaving was a symbolic act, a physical representation of a so-far ethereal decision. Doc had paid for our tickets, plans had been made, but it didn’t feel real until I put a towel up on the bathroom counter that morning and handed TJ a razor.
“Everything?” He was used to trimming me, shaving the sides into a neat little landing strip, but I hadn’t gone completely bare since that summer in Key West.
“Everything,” I agreed, spreading my legs and leaning back against the mirror, hoping he wouldn’t see the way my thighs were trembling or how wet I was already in anticipation.
The razor moved slowly, carefully, up one side and then the other, stripping me of a clear remnant of womanhood. It felt like turning back the clock in some ways, going back to that time when I was so young, so unknowing, so eager to learn. Still, there were things I couldn’t un-know, experiences that had changed me forever. My body had changed, my hips fuller, my breasts, too, after nursing Beth for two years. I had stretch marks on my lower belly, now, soft plaits the remnant of my pregnancy. I knew there was no going back, even as I let him strip me bare in hopes that there somehow was.
“So smooth.” TJ’s fingers rubbed over my vulva, his eyes eating me up, hungry, and I wanted more than just his gaze. I would be on a plane in less than five hours-I’d insisted on a separate flight, wanting them all to have a chance to settle in for a day before I showed up-reunited with three people who, for that one glorious week that summer, had been my lovers, my teachers, my mentors. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what might happen, but my body was strung tight, like a bow pulled taut, waiting to shoot some fated arrow.
“I’m going to miss you.” I ran my fingers through his hair as he knelt and wiped me down with a washcloth, smoothing away any stray hairs. I could see my own clit when I looked down, my lips swollen and parted. It peeked up, as if asking to be touched, and the air felt cool and intrusive, a sensory overload.
“It’s only a week.” He kissed my thigh, his eyes still focused between my legs. Exposed, my pussy felt ornamental now, a showpiece, something I couldn’t hide. It excited me.
“Anything can happen in a week.” I gasped when his tongue flicked against my clit, quick, snake-like, a tease.
“Anything you want.” He looked up at me, his big hands pressing my thighs open, keeping them there.
“Anything?” I raised my eyebrows at his carte blanche. We’d talked about it over the weekend, all the endless possibilities. I’d changed my mind a hundred times about going at all. We talked about setting ground rules, dismissed it and decided to play it by ear, only to come back to the idea of rules again. Everything felt uncertain, precarious, and it was both exciting and scary. We were on the verge anyway, with everything-his job was taking him to New York this summer, and I had just found a position in a private school out there. I didn’t know what I was going to do with Beth. We didn’t know anyone out there. I didn’t know what I was going to do, and this vacation seemed like a push off a cliff I was already teetering over…
“I want you to have a good time.” His breath moved against my pussy, warming me, making me tremble. “I want that most of all.”
“Oh Teej…” It was my pet name for him, as if you could shorten his name or initials any more, yet I had found a way. I wanted to say something, to make everything good and right and perfect, but I didn’t know the words, so I just pressed him to me, kissing his mouth with my pussy. He groaned, burying his face there, pushing my legs back, trying to get more.
“Oh god.” I whispered the words, just letting him take what he wanted, what I wanted, what we both wanted-my pleasure. Still, after all this time, there was no one who could take me like TJ did, and I whimpered under his tongue, groaning as his fingers slid into me, seeking heat. There was no barrier to his mouth now, my lips parted for him, my clit seeming to tilt toward him. He flicked it, lapped at it, split me with both fingers and tongue, both of them meeting in the middle and then trading places, his fingers circling my clit, his tongue slipping down into my hole.
“Ahhhhhh god!” I cried as he began to fuck me with his tongue, his finger making quick work of my clit, back and forth, so fast it felt constant. There was no resisting him. My body knew what it wanted and he took it, shoving his tongue deep into my pussy as he made me come with his fingers rubbing my clit. The muscles in my cunt squeezed at him, sucking his tongue deeper, like a hungry, eager kiss as I came, my whole body shaking, my nipples hardening in surprise at the sudden sensation.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he murmured against my flesh, standing between my legs and rubbing his whole hand over my mound, making me let out a moan halfway between pleasure and pain. He was wearing boxers and his cock tented them nicely. There was a small wet spot around the head and I reached out to touch it with the tip of my finger.
“You want that, baby?”
I nodded, watching as he slid his shorts down, letting his cock spring free
It extended thickly against my thigh as he leaned in and kissed me. I could taste myself on his tongue and it reminded me of Gretchen and Mrs. B-the amazing, unmistakable, thick, pungent taste of pussy-and TJ seemed to know it.
“You like that?” He whispered the words as he slid his cock between my legs, nudging them further open. “The sweet taste of cunt in your mouth?” I nodded against his shoulder, reaching down to grasp him, tugging hard.