Tears were streaming down Tina's face and she looked for a tissue. Finding none, and not wanting to go back out to the living room and be seen by Christopher Collier, she took a linen napkin from a sideboard drawer and dabbed at her eyes.
"I had a baby." She stopped talking as she fought to form the words that would reveal her darkest secret. "I gave it up for adoption."
Pieces were falling into place.
"Through Bonnie at Angel's Nest?"
"Right. Bonnie helped me"
"A lot of young women have given up babies when they couldn't care for them"
Tina set her napkin down and flattened and folded it. "That's not what happened. I had a job. I wasn't some dumb girl."
`But you did what you thought was right."
Tina was crying so hard now, she could no longer speak with any clarity. A few words tumbled from her lips, but they were nearly unintelligible. Whatever she was about to say had been buried for a long time. It wasn't going to come out without a fight. Right then, Tina Winston Esposito was fighting a losing battle. She could not hide it any longer. She was in quicksand.
"Take your time. It'll be all right."
Tina steadied herself. "Please," she said, "don't tell Rod. Promise. Promise me. Don't tell anyone" Her pretty eyes were pleading. Her hands were now held like she was praying.
In fact, she was.
"I'll do my best. What is it?"
"My baby's father was Dylan Walker."
It took almost half an hour to calm her down. By then, Tina Esposito had been ravaged by her emotions. Her blond hair was entirely limp, her carefully applied makeup had left her face for the folds of a linen napkin. She no longer looked like the woman who lived in that fabulous penthouse, but a stranger at odds with all of her surroundings. She was frightened and ashamed. She seemed short of breath in the way that an asthmatic might while confronting the last flight of a staircase.
"Relax. We'll get through this."
"I can't"
"You can. You will."
Emily went to the refrigerator and retrieved some bottled water. Tina's getting ready to talk Just have to keep at her. Give her the space she needs.
"My Xanax is in the cabinet to the left of the sink, behind the Earl Grey," she said.
By then, Christopher had joined them, but with the shock of the revelation, he abdicated the role of lead interviewer to Emily, who was doing all she could to reassure Tina.
"There's no need for this to come out," she said. "But we do have to know everything."
"How can I be sure?" Tina suddenly looked like a middleaged woman with a past that finally caught up with her. "My husband will leave me"
"He wouldn't do that," Emily said.
"You don't know Rod. He's all about appearances. This is his home. His money. It all comes from his carefully manufactured image. It matters"
"Tell us everything and then we'll go," Christopher said. "If we need to talk with you later, we'll arrange a discreet location. We're not here to ruin your life for something stupid you did a long time ago. Okay?"
Tina shook her head. "I can't say that I thought I'd be able to live my whole life having swept this under the carpet. The truth is, I've never gone a day without wondering if someone would come knocking on my door and asking, `Are you my mother?"'
Christopher sat next to Emily, facing Tina. "Tell us what happened" His calm, understanding tone seemed to say, don't be embarrassed. Don't hold back. You can trust us.
Tina stayed silent, collecting her thoughts. She closed her eyes. Emily could see how hard this was, that Tina was fighting the compulsion to stay closed up. To lie.
"All right. But I want you to know that whatever I did, whatever stupid mistake I did, I've regretted it for a lifetime. It isn't me. My therapist has taught me not to let it define me. So I won't. I just won't."
Tina told them how it started, how the whole love affair with Dylan Walker had blossomed into something sexual.
"God, I know, you think I fell for him because he was so handsome. But it wasn't like that. It was through his words. It was like he could see into my soul. I know that sounds completely ridiculous, but the man had a gift. He was one of those rare people who could look right at you and know everything about you. Everything that mattered to you"
"I know the type," Emily said. "The world is full of charmers"
The disclosure seemed to calm Tina. She brightened slightly. "Maybe you do understand? I have beat myself up for almost twenty years. You'd probably be surprised to know that it wasn't until very recently that I've been able to put the blame on him, rather than myself."
Chris shot Emily a look, but she ignored it. Chris was the kind of man who never once considered that any actions were the result of another's control. He was all about personal responsibility.
Tina told them that when she first wrote to Dylan Walker, it was on a whim. But within a few months, she was in so deep that when he asked her to have his baby, she said yes.
Emily prodded, though she did so as gently as possible. "That's a huge leap, Tina. How did it happen?"
Tina stared at her smudged napkin. "I said yes, because I knew it wasn't possible. We weren't married before his conviction and therefore there'd never be any conjugal visit. Not in Washington, anyway. It was all a fantasy love affair. I believed in him-I never thought he'd killed anyone, let alone those girls from Meridian. I mean, I knew that to my bones. My love and support for him just masked the reality of what I was about to do"
Emily drew her in with a knowing smile, a look of acceptance. "Sometimes we do things that when we look back, we can't imagine that it was us at all." It was the kind of comment that made her such a good interviewer. Reveal a little something of yourself-or at least let the subject think you are. It builds trust and trust leads to further disclosure. In this case, Emily's thoughts were on Reynard Tuttle and Kristi Cooper.
"It was me," Tina said. "And I've thought about it every day. For years I tried to set it aside. When the Angel's Nest scandal broke I was just sure that it would come out. I started going to church. I prayed every night. I got on meds. Each moment closer to trial I just knew my life was going to implode. But it didn't. I was home free. Until you."
"Backup," Christopher said, apparently comfortable enough to interject. "I'd like to be sensitive about this, but I can't think of a better way to say it. Just how did you manage to get pregnant?"
Tina Esposito stood and walked to the dining window. It was a slow, purposeful walk. The sunlight on her face showed every flaw. She had been beautiful once, but right now she looked old, tired, and scared. She spoke to the window, refusing to face Christopher or Emily.
"This is very embarrassing," she said, her voice a whisper. "During our visits, he'd pass me a sample."
She hesitated.
"A sample?" Emily asked.
"Oh God, you're going to make me draw you a picture, aren't you? Of his semen, you know. I'd excuse myself and use the bathroom" She searched for the most genteel words to describe what she'd done. Her embarrassment was etched on her pretty face. "I put it inside of me"
"Jesus," Collier said, his tact evaporating with the outrageousness of her disclosure.
She started crying, and turned to face detectives. "Don't judge me"
"No one is being critical of you," Emily said. "We just need to know what happened"
Christopher pushed it. "How did you get a sample?" He tried to make his affect as flat, as nonjudgmental, as possible. "The semen sample."
"This is the embarrassing part," she said, hesitating while she tried to come up with a way of relating the information as clinically as possible. But there was no way to do that. "He ejaculated into empty ketchup packets"