"Mm hm," he said thoughtfully. "And what's the usual purpose of a military mission."
"Uh-" I suddenly realized what he was getting at. "The destruction of the Chtorran ecology."
"That's right." He looked at me calmly. "Some people want to talk to these creatures-and some people want to kill them. Ah'd like to know, Lieutenant, what your feelin's are on the matter."
I was staring down the barrel of a 45-caliber loaded question. "I-I'm on the side of humanity, sir."
"And what does that mean? Are you committed to killin' worms or not?"
"It means, I want to do what will save the most lives."
"And you think that talkin' to the worms or the bunnies might do that?"
"I don't know. That's what we want to find out-"
"But you do think there might be an alternative to killin' them? Isn't that so?"
I swallowed hard and met his gaze. "Yes sir-I'm willing to try."
"Ah see. Well, let me tell you somethin', Lieutenant. The trouble with that kind of thinkin' is that it diverts precious resources of time and materiel. `If we can just talk to the agency that's behind the Chtorran infestation, p'haps we can work out some kind of negotiation.' Ah've even heard some people talkin' about sharing the planet with them."
"Sir-?" I started to say.
"Share!" he continued over my protestations. "Why the hell should they? They're already winnin' the whole ball game! Why should they stop to negotiate a draw?"
"Maybe they don't know we're here!" I flustered. "Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe-"
"You don't kill four billion human beings by mistake."
"We don't know that-"
The general looked astounded. "You don't think we're at war?"
"I know we're at war, sir! I just-"
"And you want to talk to the enemy?" Was he deliberately baiting me?
"Yes! I do! I want to find out who the enemy is! Maybe they're just as curious about us-"
"Y'know, that's the trouble with you-and with the rest of your so-called experts. You want to study everyfhin'. You want to question it. And you want to piss away our time! Sometimes Ah wonder just who's side you're really on-"
I stood up. "Goddammit! This may cost me my assignment-but if you're mad at someone, tell them! Not me! I just want to do the job I was trained for! The United States Army wants me to study the worms and the millipedes and the bunnydogs and all the other Chtorran creatures. Yeah, I'll admit it-I'm fascinated by them. These are the first extraterrestrial life-forms that humanity has ever encountered. But don't you go making assumptions about my loyalties, sir! That offends me. I want the Chtorrans off this planet just as much as you do-but I'm also realistic enough to recognize that might not be possible. If it isn't, I want to know how 'to survive among them. And if it is possible to neutralize the Chtorran infestation, you won't find anyone more dedicated than myself. I'll burn worms till you pry the torch out of my hands! You've got my record there on your desk-you look and see! But I can't stand people making up their minds about a subject before all the facts are in!" I added politely, "Sir!"
And sat down.
The general applauded. He grinned. "Not bad. You throw almost as good a tantrum as Ah do. You could use a little polishin' but experience will take care of that."
Blink. "I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Son, sit down and listen for thirty seconds. It doesn't matter how Ah feel about this joyride. Nobody's listenin' to my opinion. Ah think you're a damn fool' and Ah think this is a waste of valuable time. But the Science Section has given this a triple-A priority, so like Ah said, it doesn't matter what Ah think.
"But-" he continued, "you are still under mah command-and Ah am responsible for your life. So, if nothin' else, Ah want to know that you're sure about what you're doin'. Ah don't have to be sure, but you do. Ah've found that a little bit of certainty makes a lot of difference in the results you produce."
"Yes, sir."
"It looks to me like you're actually willin' to put your life and your career on the line. Ah'm impressed, Lieutenant. With that kind of intention, you just might have a chance of comin' back. But-" he added, "Ah still wouldn't start any trilogies."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." I felt like I should be looking for the Dormouse and the March Hare. "Uh-would you like to hear about my plan? I'm very well prepared."
He shook his head. "No. Ah'm going to trust you."
"But I really think you should."
"Lieutenant, don't press your luck. It might be a very stupid plan. And then Ah'd have to reconsider mah decision. No. Ah think Ah'll bet on your certainty more than your intelligence. And Ah will trust Colonel Tirelli's faith in you. Have a nice trip."
He stood up and reached across the desk to shake my hand. I had to stand up again to grab it. "Uh, thank you, sir."
"Oh, one more thing. It might be some small comfort to know. If you get killed, you'll be automatically promoted one rank. It'll be a consolation for your family."
"Uh, thanks. What about if I live?"
"We'll talk about it when you get back. Now, get the hell out of here. Ah have some real work to do." He sat down again and I left, shaking my head and marveling.
FIFTY
FLETCHER SPENT most of a week training me.
On the morning of the first day, she showed me how to listen. "It's about listening with your whole soul-" she began.
"You have to listen so completely," I said, "-that you become the person you're listening to."
She looked at me surprised. "Who told you that?"
"A telepath."
"Well, he/she was right."
On the afternoon of the first day, she defined bullshit:
"You use that word all the time, James-but you don't even know what it means. `Bullshit' is a colloquialism. We use it to mean that something is inaccurate. A lie is bullshit. An excuse is bullshit. A justification, a rationalization, a reason, an explanation. All bullshit. Anything you use to excuse yourself from being responsible.
"From this moment on, any time you are inaccurate, any time you let bullshit fall from your mouth, I will bust your chops. You got that?"
On the morning of the second day, she showed me how to listen even deeper than before.
"Close your eyes and actually look at how you're feeling. Look at your emotions. Look at what your body is doing. Look at the memories that come floating up to the top. Pick an incident from your memory, or make one up. Look at the incident-and notice what your machinery is doing. Notice how you feel. Notice what your body is doing. Notice what memories are connected-"
We did that all morning.
On the afternoon of the second day, we talked about righteousness:
"Do you know that most people, when they tell you something, they're really just second-guessing. They're trying to figure it out afterward, explain it or justify it-and ultimately, prove themselves right. Listen, that kind of right is the enemy. When you try to be right like that, you add inaccuracy. The specific word is righteousness.
"You can't make yourself right without making the other person wrong-that automatically makes him your enemy. It doesn't give him room to do anything else. You can't go out into that circle being right about being human. You can't take your pain and grief and rage into that circle. The bunnies want to communicate, not have a shrieking match with the monkeys at the waterhole.
"You cannot have enemies in that circle, James-only partners-"
On the morning of the third day, she showed me how to center my sense of myself.
"Did your telepathic friend tell you about identity?" I nodded.
"Then you know that you are not what you think. You are the person who hears the thoughts. The question is whether or not you're really listening.