"Monitored-? Why?"
She shrugged helplessly. "Why not?"
I stared at her. My mind was whirling. "So that little performance upstairs-that wasn't for me? Was it?"
"I am so sorry about that. . ." she said.
"You did that to me without-?" I could feel the fury rising into my face. "I don't understand. I've been monitored before. Everybody on the goddamn base knew about the time Ted got me drunk. They're already gossiping about you and me. So what does it matter if somebody sees us or looks at a tape or something-?"
"You don't know. It matters to me!" she said.
"Why didn't you tell me-?"
"I couldn't!"
"Why? What am I-some kind of a cretin, or a thing-that you'll only be my friend if you can keep it a secret from me?"
"Y'know, it isn't easy being your friend!" she snapped back. "Sometimes you are a jerk."
"And you're a stuck-up, fat-assed, iron-clad, dragon-faced, redheaded gorgon who can't even keep a plastic eggbeater in the sky! But you're the one who wants to go to bed with me!"
"My ass is not fat! And I thought it was mutual-"
"It was!" I shouted back.
"Well then-" And suddenly, she was flustering close to tears. Lizard? "--Can't you just accept it? Jim, please?"
"And wake up tomorrow and find you've turned back into Medusa? Dammit! That hurt!"
"Jim-" She took my hands in hers. Her eyes were incredibly blue. "I am so terribly sorry and unhappy to have hurt you. You are an extraordinarily precious human being. Please believe me, if there had been any other way-but this was the only way I could manage it."
"I want to believe you," I said. "I really do. . . ." I kept on holding her hands in mine. They were very warm. "But I-I just don't know-"
"I wanted to be with you tonight," she said. "That was the whole purpose of this-"
"I want to be with you too!" I felt my throat tightening. "I just want to know that you care."
"I do care." Her voice was very soft. "Believe me. I really do." I couldn't deny it. She was telling the truth.
And I wanted her so badly
I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers. She tasted sweet. After several eternities, we broke apart and looked at each other. We were both relieved-and embarrassed.
"So you'll stay for dinner?" she asked.
"Well ... maybe. What are you making?"
"C rations and bottled water."
"You promised me a lobster."
"Listen, it was hard enough to reserve the apartment-"
"I'm sorry, it's lobster or nothing."
"Well... all right." She led me into the dining room.
The lobster on the table was large enough to have been a threat to dogs, cats and small children when it was alive. There was a bottle of wine chilling in the bucket.
"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?"
She shrugged. "When the day comes that I can't out-think a lieutenant-"
I pulled away from her. "Hold it! Before we go any further-no more military stuff, okay?"
Colonel Lizard Tirelli of the United States Army, Special Forces Warrant Agency nodded her head in agreement. She unpinned her long red hair and let it cascade down to her shoulders. "Deal," she said.
Dinner passed like a dream.
She was too beautiful. I couldn't stop watching her. We traded a lot of embarrassed smiles and kept our conversation deliberately casual.
"I have to admit something," I said.
"What's that?"
"I-was jealous of you. I thought that you and Danny Anderson were-you know-lovers."
"Really?" She laughed. "Don't be silly. Danny's gay."
"Huh? You're kidding! I'll be damned. Is that why Duke-?" I shut my mouth.
"Probably. "
"Well. Gosh." I shook my head unbelievingly.
"I have to admit something too."
"What?"
"I was jealous that you were spending too much time with Lois Fletcher."
"No!"
"Yes."
"But she's-" I shrugged. "I just never thought of her that way."
"I'm glad-"
Eventually we moved to the bedroom and I started to tense up again. I didn't know why.
While I waited for her, I busied myself with bridegroom things. I turned the lights and the music low. I turned back the bed. Finally, I pulled off my clothes and slipped between the sheets to wait.
After all this time--
She came out of the bathroom wearing a nightgown so sheer two silkworms couldn't have spent more than an afternoon on it. She got into bed next to me and I wondered if I should reach for her. I wanted to.
I looked over at her.
She looked back at me expectantly. "Are you going to make the first move?" she asked. "Or should I?"
"Uh-" I said. This wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. "You are so beautiful......"
She stroked my cheek. "You don't need the compliments any more, Jim. We're beyond that." She added gently, "Now we're at foreplay."
I said, "I-I know this is going to sound stupid, but you're too beautiful. I don't know if I can make love to a woman as beautiful as you."
She looked like she was about to laugh-she smothered it quickly, compassionately. "I'll let you in on a secret," she said. "I'm really very plain. I walked into that bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and said, `Ick. What a mess.' Really. But then I said, `But Jim deserves the best, so I'm going to pretend to be gorgeous, just for him.' And see, you believed it."
"I think you over did it," I said. "I hate to admit this-but I'm scared as hell!"
"You're kidding." She said it straight out.
"I am twenty-four years old," I said. "I lost my virginity when I was nineteen. I have been with three different girls in my life-four, if you count Ted. That's it, the sum total of my experience. I have never been with a woman as intensely beautiful as you are. And-" I added, "I have never been with anyone I cared about as much as you."
She was studying me thoughtfully. "You are scared, aren't you?"
"I'm terrified... that I won't be good enough......"
"Thank you," she said. "For being so honest." She reached over and put her hand on my chest. It felt like fire-like electricity. For a moment, all I could feel was that hand, those delicate fingers, the fingernail tracing a circle in the little patch of hair over my breastbone. After a moment, she said softly, "Listen, sweetheart. This isn't an audition. You're not being graded. Let me play Mommy for about two seconds here and I'll tell you something. The only thing that you need to do a good job is enthusiasm. You got that?"
"I've got lots of enthusiasm," I said. "So much so I'm afraid I'm going to burst a blood vessel."
"Good," she said. She shifted her position so we were lying side by side. "There is no right way to do this, Jim-so you can't possibly screw it up. And if you do anyway, I forgive you in advance."
I moved my hand to her breast. She was warm. My hand was cold. I was afraid to move it. I said, "I, uh-I can't help it. I feel like I should ask permission."
She didn't laugh at me. She took my hand in hers and held it. She kissed my fingers. She took a breath and whispered, "Sweetheart, you are so caring-but you have to stop thinking of sex as something you do to another person, and start thinking of it as something that two people share together."
"I'd really like that-" I said. "But I've never experienced it that way."
Lizard's expression remained open. She wasn't judging me. She was just hearing what I had to say. She squeezed my hand again. "Listen to me, stupid-" The way she said it, it was a term of endearment. "I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about sex."
"I don't think we have that much time," I admitted.
"It's all right. There isn't that much you need to know. It'll only take a minute."
She lifted herself up on one elbow and put her finger on my lips. Her fingers were exquisite. I kissed them.