Nan told his parents not to buy braised chicken or fresh fish for him because he ate those things every day in America. He just wanted homely food, like millet porridge, cornmeal gruel, plain noodles with soy paste, fried toon leaves. These things were easy to make. His mother didn't even have to go to the marketplace to buy anything. His aunt, living in the countryside and having four toon trees in her backyard, would mail his parents a large sack of the leaves every spring. Although Nan had missed these foods, he didn't enjoy them as much as he had expected. Somehow everything tasted different from what he'd remembered. Maybe he'd lost some taste buds. Or maybe all the memories of those toothsome foods were just the remaining sensations of his childhood.
The next afternoon he and his mother were at home alone. His father had gone to a memorial service held for a former colleague of his who had just passed away. Putting a clay pot of chrysanthemum tea on the side table for Nan, his mother sat down and sighed.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I miss Taotao."
This was strange, because Nan remembered that she had never liked her eldest grandson and had once even refused to watch over the boy when he and his wife had to attend a meeting together. For that Pingping still held a grudge against her. Nan told his mother, "Don't worry about him. He's fine. He's a stellar student and will have a good future." "I want to see him."
"All right, I'll talk to Pingping and see if we can bring him back next summer. That way he can learn some Chinese from you and my dad. "
"No, I want to go to America to see him and Pingping." "Why do you have to go yourself? At your age it's not safe to travel that far."
"Why? I'm not that old." True, she had just turned sixty-five. "I'll try to send Taotao back to stay with you next summer, all right?"
" I want to see America myself. "
" Mom, you have a very comfortable life here. If you fall ill there, you could die abroad. Don't you have arteriosclerosis and dizzy spells?"
"I'm well now, and I'd like to see America before I die." "Truth be told, for old people life there is harder than here." "I don't mind. I can work." "Work, at your age?"
"Yes, there's no shame in working. Everybody knows how easy it is to make money in America. After you gave us the cash the day before yesterday, your dad said to me, 'Damn, we've never had so much money in our whole life. See how easy it was for Nan to toss out a thousand dollars. In just twelve years he has become such a rich man.' My son, you know, that amount you gave us is enough for us to live on for a whole year."
"We make more there but have to spend more too."
"Don't you own a restaurant?"
" Yes, I do. "
" I can work for you. I can make dumpling wrappers, wonton wrappers, noodles, all kinds of buns and pies. For five dollars an hour I can earn forty a day. In a year that'll be more than ten thousand, enough for your dad and me to spend in our remaining years. Nan, I'll stay with you just a year and then I'll come back. Please take me to America."
"How about my dad in the meantime?"
"He'll stay home."
"But he can't cook."
"He can always hire a maid."
Nan realized that his father wouldn't go because he had many friends here, because he could play mah-jongg every night, and also because he'd have to be around to collect their pensions and take care of this home. Nan said, "I'll have to talk with Pingping about this. I can't decide by myself."
His mother's face dropped and a few folds appeared on her throat. She said, "Who's the boss in your home? If you insist on your right as her husband, of course Pingping will obey you."
"Mom, I can't do that. She owns half the business too. We two are partners, like a team."
She seemed to intuit that Pingping wouldn't let her come to America because the two of them had never gotten along. She sighed and went on in a flat voice, "You're not your old self anymore. Having your wife, you no longer need your old mother, the same as your brother and sister. Heartless. Every one of you is heartless." She pursed her lips, her nose crinkled.
Nan wanted to say, "Where were you when Pingping suffered and struggled with me all these years? Did you ever weep with me when we lost our baby? Were you ever worried when we couldn't pay our bills? You only know how to take advantage of us and ask for money. Greedy. Both of you are greedy." But he held his tongue, lowered his eyes, and muttered, "Mother, you don't know how hard life has been for Pingping and me. If she were another woman, she'd have walked out on me long ago. She's the mainstay of our family."
" I see, your old mother is useless to you now. " She rose and shuffled away. Her shoulders sagged.
Nan rested his head on the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. The conversation saddened him. He remembered how the day before, when he mentioned Pingping's miscarriage, his mother had merely said, "If you're more filial to your parents, no misfortune like that will strike again." Those words still rankled him. Now how could he make her understand that she was no longer a member of his immediate family? How could he convince her that Pingping was the only person he could rely on? Greedy and vain, his mother just dreamed of making a fortune and showing off to her neighbors and friends. Ning had told him that their parents often bragged to others about going to America for a vacation and to see their grandson. His mother had even promised some friends of hers that she'd persuade Nan to help their children study in the United States when the kids grew up. As a result, many people had begun to ingratiate themselves with his parents. Nan realized that the old man and woman couldn't possibly commiserate with him and Pingping over the fear and misery they had gone through in America. How lonely he felt in his parents' home, as though he hadn't grown up in this very apartment. Perhaps he shouldn't have come back in the first place.
12
"I CANNOT imagine marrying a man younger than myself." That sentence, spoken by Beina sixteen years before, had been reverberating in Nan 's mind ever since he'd been home. In fact, she was just four months older than he. His memory of the proposal still stung him. Fat snowflakes had fluttered around as he proposed to her, saying he'd do everything to make her happy, including most of the household chores. He also promised her that they'd eventually live in a city south of the Yangtze River because she disliked the cold climate here. And with trepidation he waited for her answer. A few sleepy birds croaked in the treetops, whose branches had all caked into masses of snow. Her voice was flippant, which unsettled him, though he had steeled himself for the worst. When the final answer came, he felt crushed and wounded, leaning against the bole of a young birch crusted with ice. "I've got to go now. Good night," she said, and walked away, fading into the darkness. Tears, hot and unstoppable, coursed down his face.
If only he had cut his ties with her right then and there. But instead, he had returned to her later on and gotten enmeshed deeper and deeper in her maze.
For several days now he had been thinking about her. Has she been happy? What does she look like now? Like a middle-aged woman? That's unlikely. She always knew how to take care of herself. Does she still remember me? Does her husband, that fellow with a rabbit face, really love her? Would she like to see me? Will my reappearance disturb her? What does she do? Still working as a translator in the information office of the sewing machine factory?
He hadn't asked his siblings about Beina, and nobody had mentioned her either. But he was determined to see her before returning to America. He wouldn't expect to rekindle her feelings for him. All he wanted was to see her once more so that he could preserve her in his memory as a lovely woman beyond his reach, as someone who still possessed his soul, so that the flames of inspiration would blaze in him again.