"Who do you want to speak to?" he asked.
"Leave me alone!"
" No. You must let me know. "
"You never care anyway."
"Please! If you have someone you'd like to meet, I won't hold you back, I promise. Just let me know." He reached for the handset but couldn't wrench it off her hand.
"Let go of me!"
"Not until you tell me who you're calling." "I dialed nobody but 911, all right?" "What?" he gasped. "You're insane!"
The gravity of his voice stopped her. She released the phone, staring at him.
"They may come here with an ambulance," he told her, still in disbelief.
"No, I've never said a word to them. How could they get here?"
"Their machine must show the caller's number, so they can trace you to this place."
That stunned her and she started sobbing. Nan replaced the phone, enfolded her with one arm, and said, "Come, stop crying. Nothing like that has happened yet."
"I really didn't know they could find out I called. I just meant to make you jealous."
Her last sentence surprised him, but also somewhat pleased him. He smiled and told her, "You acted like a small child. All right, no more crying. Don't dial 911 again."
She nodded yes and muttered, "I hate you as much as I love you. If only I could leave and never see you again."
"Just give me some time, okay? I'll find a decent job and then my temper will improve. I'll be a better man."
" You really need to do something to save yourself and our family. We can't continue to live like this."
"I know we can't stay under Heidi's roof forever. I'll figure out a way. "
"You're always a good talker."
"Only in Chinese." He grimaced.
"Remember what you said to me when we first met?"
"What did I say?"
"You said, 'Life is a tragedy, but its meaning lies in how we face the tragedy.'"
" That was just juvenile rubbish I had picked up from reading Hemingway. "
"But I fell in love with you for that. You were a full man then, the first man who ever said something meaningful to me. I had always been angry whenever I was with another man. You were so different from others, but now you've been losing your spirit. You must brace up and save yourself."
"I know I'm just drifting along."
"We must find our way."
Nan nodded without another word. His heart was filled with pain and gratitude. If his wife had been of two hearts with him, this family would have fallen apart long ago. He must find a way to make a decent living and mustn't despair of himself.
18
PINGPING was mending Heidi's bathrobe in the kitchen while talking with Heidi. On the table were three stacks of laundered clothes she had just folded. Outside, the clouds had broken, electric wires and leafy branches still glistening with rainwater. The lilacs and young dogwood trees had lowered their white and pinkish blossoms in the glowing afternoon sun. Beyond the shrubs two rabbits scampered about, now nibbling grass and now chasing each other. Ping-ping and Nan were both allergic to pollen. Nan was extremely sensitive to oak and dogwood, whereas Pingping didn't know what she was allergic to. She was most miserable in late April, when her nose would dribble and swell and she'd keep a wad of tissue in her pocket all the time. Nan would repeat in English "April is the cru-elest month," though his wife had no idea it was a line of poetry. The previous spring when pollen had set in, they had thought they were suffering from the flu and had taken Tylenol, Bayer, and other cold pills available over the counter, but none of the medicines helped much. Not until mid-May had Nan figured out what it was, but by then the miserable season was almost over for them.
Pingping was glad that a morning shower had washed away a lot of pollen so the air would be somewhat clean for a day or two. She and Heidi had been talking about yesterday evening's quarrel. Heidi told her that Eric, her late husband's younger brother, was a ladies' man, so she wondered if Nan was the same.
" Nan doesn't like woman," Pingping said.
Heidi looked surprised. "What did you say? You mean, he's more fond of men?"
"No, he's not gay."
"Then what's his problem? Most men like women." "His mind."
"I don't get it." Heidi shook her newly permed hair, which made her head appear larger than usual, her cheeks shiny and pinkish, and her face three or four years younger than the past week.
"How can I say this?" Pingping said. "Back in China he like pretty womans-women, but now he always say he's tired." She was too ashamed to reveal he didn't love her.
"I know some men are like that, especially after they've had too many women."
" Nan doesn't have affair."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I just know. When he come to USA, I told him he can have another woman if he want, but just don't forget me and Taotao, and don't get disease."
"Wow, you said that?"
"Yes."
"What did he do then?"
"Nothing. He said he has no time to chase women, he's too tired. He want to study hard and then come back home."
"Something could be wrong with his mind. You know what? He should see a shrink."
"What is shrink?"
"A psychiatrist. Nathan has seen Dr. Blumenthal in Wellesley every Tuesday afternoon since his dad died." "That help him?"
"Of course, a lot. He's steadier now. He used to be very moody." "Maybe Nan should meet that shrink too. How much it cost?" "It depends. I guess around seventy an hour." "I see."
Heidi put on her reading glasses and began leafing through a mailorder catalog while Pingping spread the bathrobe on the table to see whether there was another spot that needed patching. She was impressed that Heidi wouldn't throw away the tattered robe. Both of them turned silent for the time being.
Later that afternoon Pingping asked Nathan what Dr. Blumenthal had done to him on Tuesday. The boy blinked his whitish eyes and said, "Nothing. He just listened to me talk."
"Really? He make money just by listen to you?"
"Sure. He also asked questions."
"What kind?"
"Like 'How do you feel today?' and 'Did Scott bug you again last week?' "
"I can do that." She was amazed.
That evening she told Nan about her conversation with Heidi and suggested he consider seeing a psychiatrist. He had just received his diploma for his M.A., which had come in a large envelope braced with a rectangle of cardboard, so he was in a pleasant frame of mind and was about to play checkers with Taotao. He said in response to Pingping's suggestion, "I don't believe in psychiatry. Why should we throw away money like that?"
"Nathan said it made him feel much better."
"But it doesn't really calm him down. Don't you see he still has an outburst every now and then?"
"I'm afraid you might lose your mind."
"I've already lost most of it. I can't get worse." He gave a short laugh. "Don't worry. I can talk to you. We can be each other's psychiatrists."
"At least you should give it a try."
"Even if it helps, I won't do that. You know how hard it is for us to make a dollar. We have to save as much as we can. In this country, without money you can't do anything. We should move out of this house soon and have to have more cash in hand."
In reality, Nan didn't often speak to Pingping about his feelings, which were disordered and unclear to himself. If he couldn't help it anymore, he just poured his misery out on her, and once in a while she did the same to him. In appearance he was peaceful and gentle, but at heart he felt as if he were running a temperature, about to collapse. But somehow he always managed to pull himself together and go through his daily drudgery without a hitch. He didn't have time to read books now, though at work he tried to dip into his dictionary whenever it was possible. How he missed his former job at the factory, where he had been able even to catnap if he was tired of reading. Nowadays, besides the dictionary, he also carried with him a small notebook in which he had copied out some poems, both English and Chinese. He wanted to memorize the lines he loved.