We were all standing in a line, and every one of us was staring up and down the line! Who did what, and to whom? Even I was getting worried, since this never happened the first time. What was going on?!
"The charge is behavior unbecoming of a Kegger! Grab him!"
Suddenly a bunch of guys behind me grabbed me, and I found myself wrapped up in a pile of bodies before I could even move, let alone fight them off. "What!?", I yelled. "Me???"
Most of the brothers were laughing now, although the other pledges were totally mystified, as was I. Un-Kegger-like behavior was charged about once a year, usually in the late spring or early fall, after an especially rowdy party, and almost always involved women and booze. The miscreant would be found guilty in a kangaroo court and chucked in the pool. I had seen that before - but what had I done?
Thad motioned for quiet again, and continued on. "The charge, Mister Buckman - because as of this instant I no longer dare call you Pledge Buckman - is behavior unbecoming of a Kegger. It has been levied by Brother Ghormley after much consultation. How do you plead?"
"What are you talking about!?" I tried to squirm free, but I had hands on both arms. "When did I do anything to Mike?"
"You have failed to show the respect, the deference, and yes, even the brotherly love due to a fellow member of Kappa Gamma Sigma. You placed yourself, a mere pledge, above a brother. You even got into a drunken fight with somebody so superior to you as to be beyond belief! How do you plead?"
"This is crazy!"
"Your honor, my client pleads not guilty!", said Marty Adrianopolis, standing up and coming over to me. The other pledges were motioned to sit on the floor as witnesses.
"Your client?", I asked.
"Brother Adrianopolis has consented to be your defense attorney, worthless worm that you are.", explained Thad. He waved a hand grandly to the side and said, "And Brother Holloway will be the prosecutor. Brother Holloway, you may begin."
"This is crazy!", I repeated. Everybody laughed, and I could see Marilyn loosening up as well.
Ricky stood up and came up to me, shaking his head in disgust, before turning to face Ghormley, who was sitting in an armchair with a look of happy superiority. If he couldn't win at the duel, he had another way to beat me! "Brother Ghormley, is it true that this scum challenged you to a duel at the party last week?"
"It is!"
"Wait a minute, he challenged me!", I protested.
"Silence your client!", said Thad.
"I apologize, your honor. He's only a pledge and doesn't know better.", answered Marty. I rolled my eyes at that.
Ricky asked the next question. "And did he win the duel?"
Ghormley smiled and said, "Yes, and he cheated, too!"
Cries of, "Shame! Shame!" filled the room.
"Your honor, I rest my case!" Ricky sat down with a flourish.
"Brother Adrianopolis, your response?"
Marty looked at me and shook his head. "Well, your honor, my client is an asshole!"The room erupted into laughter.
"Jesus Christ! That's your defense? I'm an asshole?", I blurted out.
"Your honor, he convicts himself with his own words!", cried out Ricky. "He has admitted to being an asshole!" The place really went nuts at that. Even Marilyn was laughing.
Marty just shrugged and grinned. "I'm an officer of the court. I can't lie!"
"Time for the verdict...", said Thad as he raised his gavel.
I squirmed some more. "Wait! Don't I get to say something?"
Thad put down his gavel. "What could you possibly say about this crime?" He motioned and the hands holding me loosened slightly.
"Your honor, look at her!", I replied, nodding my head towards Marilyn. "Isn't that a woman worth fighting for?"
Marilyn blushed deeply, and the other girls in the room roared and clapped their approval of my defense. Even Marty smiled and said, "Good move, Buckman." There was much consternation in the room at this, and everybody was talking. I might actually beat this!
Thad pounded the gavel and silenced us. "You provide a powerful argument, Mister Buckman. The charges of un-Kegger-like behavior are dismissed." The room erupted in a tumult, but was gaveled quiet again. I noticed that I was still being held prisoner. "However, I now charge you with making the rest of us look bad in front of the girls! How says the jury?"
Oh shit! The room exploded into catcalls and cries of "Guilty! Guilty!", and Thad and the others were laughing at me.
"Wait! Wait! What about him?", I yelled out. "If I was dueling, so was he!"
Mike looked surprised at that, even more so when Ricky commented, "He's got a point there, your honor."
Thad nodded. "He does. Grab him!"
Mike moved surprisingly fast, but ran into a wall of three guys at the doorway to the formal room. He was wrapped up and held squirming alongside me. There wasn't even a pretense of a trial in his case. He was charged with dueling and immediately found guilty. We were immediately sentenced to become polar bears, at which point we both tried to squirm loose and run for it, but we had four or five guys holding us each and we were lifted off our feet and slowly carried towards the back door.
"Hold it, hold it, let me take off my shoes first!", I yelled. My captors stopped and I got Marilyn to come over. She grabbed my shoes and wallet and my glasses (I had totally forgotten them) and then one of the guys told her to grab my belt, too. She blushed when another one said she needed to know how to do that. Thus, properly prepared, I was carried outside to the pool.
Jesus, but it was cold out there! I noticed they had managed to fish a rope between the two holes. Marty told me as I was carried to the first hole, "Grab the rope and we'll pull you out the other end."
"What if he lets go the rope?", asked Marilyn.
"Then we'll pull him out in the spring!", he replied. Oh shit! I grabbed the rope and wrapped it around my wrist as best I could, and then found myself unceremoniously turned upside down and dropped through the hole head first.
Oh my God, but that water was so cold it was painful! I couldn't even think straight, but it felt like every hair on my head was on fire, and I was totally lost. I couldn't even tell up from down. I barely felt the tug on my arm, and the next thing I knew I heard a bunch of guys yelling "Heave!" as I popped out the second hole. Hands grabbed me and yanked me up and out, amidst much congratulating. The rope was unwrapped from my wrist, and I turned my head around just in time to see Mike dumped into the pool with a giant splash. The rope was tugged and a few seconds later he was pulled out as well.
"I swear I'm going to kill you for this!", Mike promised me through chattering teeth.
"Right now that would feel good!", I replied. Mike ran into Grogans', where his room was, and I was bundled inside the main house and up the back stairs to the second floor main bath. A couple of brothers already had a hot shower running, and I jumped underneath.
"You can join him.", somebody said, and I looked out of the shower to see Marilyn staring at me in amusement from the doorway. She was holding my shoes and stuff.
"No thanks. This is close enough.", she answered with a laugh.