Thank you.
Carling Parker Buckman II"
I folded up my letter and stuffed it back into the envelope. There was a huge uproar around the circle at this. Most of the crones and Dregs were laughing, but everybody else was talking to each other, and the worry was palpable.
"This is fucking stupid.", said Ghormley. "There was no hazing and no sex involved. This is all bullshit!"
"You're kidding me, right? No sexual harassment? You made them get buck naked, put their underwear on their heads, and crawl around like sperm! If that isn't sexual harassment, I don't know what is!", I replied.
"Fuck you."
"What was that part about investigations?", asked Bradley.
"Well, what do you think is going to happen once National and RPI get their letters? The head of the frat was just thrown out on a hazing issue." I looked over at Bruno. "Hey, Bruno, guess what? Remember that bit about only being a heartbeat away? Guess what happens the day after you become Chancellor? National and the President of the college get to crawl up your rectum and take up residence! Have fun!" Bruno looked horror stricken at the very concept. I turned back to the other brothers. "That's going to be nothing! Wait until it comes out that you guys refused to address the issue. Wait until one of those kids tells Mommy and Daddy why they aren't joining Kegs after all! Wait until Mommy and Daddy call their congressman and the district attorney and the states attorney and their own attorney! Wait until the Evening News shows up with a camera crew and parks their ass on the front lawn! I hope all you guys have good lawyers. I plan to cooperate fully in return for immunity. Have fun."
Eyes were wide and jaws were slack by this point, and most everybody was silent, except for the three Dregs and even they were looking nervous.
"So what is the plan?", I heard from the center of the room, one of the juniors.
"Well, I'm glad you asked. Everybody understand what is going to happen if we don't do anything? Everybody?" I didn't wait for the answer. "Part One is simple. This ain't ever going to happen again."
I looked over at the three Dregs. "Brothers Goldstein and Hotaling. According to Bylaw 14, Paragraph 4," I held up the handbook again, tapping the relevant section. " ... Residence in the Chapter House is restricted to Brothers in good standing who are students at the Chapter's college. Neither of you is a student in any college in the area, let alone RPI. You both dropped out years ago. You two are history. Pack your bags. You have 48 hours to get out, or we start throwing your shit into the dumpster."
The Hammer had flunked out at the end of his sophomore year and had just been living in the house ever since, hanging out with his original pledge class. He worked at the UPS warehouse in Albany. Boris was even more pathetic. He had gotten into RPI on the basis of his junior year grades in high school, but in his senior year, he discovered drugs. He spent a year dropping acid every day, and nothing was left between his ears but cinders. He flunked Physics I seven different times at three different colleges in the area.
The room erupted into a clamor, with both the Hammer and Boris jumping in front of the table and yelling and pounding on the table. I just leaned back and let them yell. After about five minutes I started pounding my gavel, and most everybody quieted down, except for those two, and I motioned for a couple of the crones to grab these two and sit them back down.
"Listen, the first thing National is going to do when they show up - and they will show up, you know that - is to look at the residence records. If I don't get rid of you, they will. Get over it. You have two days to move out." Next I turned to Mike Ghormley. "Your turn. If it was up to me, I'd vote all three of you off the rolls and out of the brotherhood. I can't do that. However, there have been a number of brothers over the years who've moved out and remained brothers. You just became one of them. You have 48 hours to get out."
"Fuck you! Where the hell am I supposed to go?"
"Room with the other two assholes for all I care. You get two days, just like them. The clock is ticking. All three of you are excused. Get going."
There was another uproar, and this time calls for my impeachment. I actually let the Dregs call a vote, and the only hands raised were about eight on the left, some crones and Dregs. The rest of the room was silent, and generally looking at their shoes in embarrassment. Boris, the Hammer, and Ghormley all stomped out of the basement. We heard the door slamming even down there.
Once they were gone, I started in on the remaining brothers. "I have seen some stupid shit in my time, but this really takes the cake! I was tempted to simply resign and let you all hang, but you voted me in and somebody has to clean up this mess. You should be ashamed to call yourselves Keggers."
"Hey, nobody knew.", commented a sophomore who lived over in Grogans'.
"You want to tell me that three brothers could make nine pledges crawl naked on two floors of this house and nobody knew? The house was totally empty and nobody heard a single thing? That nobody looked at what was going on or stuck their head out the door? Try again."
"What were we supposed to do?", asked somebody else.
"I don't know ... maybe show a little backbone? Maybe get up on your hind legs and say 'STOP!' Maybe get between these idiots and the pledges. Jesus Christ! You went and asked these kids to join you, to become your brothers, to stand with you and become something special. Is it so much to ask that you protect them from a bunch of drunks? Christ, I'm amazed that any of them wanted to stay in!"
Everybody went back to staring at their shoes. I decided to finish the meeting. "Here's the last part. We need to fix this. Everybody is dismissed unless you are a big brother to one of these kids." Everybody got up except the fourteen big brothers. "I want to meet all of these guys tomorrow. Why don't we meet in the lounge of Crockett at eight? They should all be in their dorms by then. I want each of you to go down there, right now, find your pledge and tell him I will meet them in Crockett at eight tomorrow night."
"Now?", somebody muttered.
"Right the fuck now, goddammit!" Billy was actually a big brother and was still sitting there taking notes. I turned to him and said, 'That's it, Billy. Pack up your shit. The meeting and the emergency is over." I stood and went upstairs.
I kept my own counsel that night, and went to bed early, emotionally drained. The worst that had happened on the first go was that a couple of the Dregs got loaded one night and took a fire axe to the door of the Black Light Room before a couple of guys grabbed them. The next day, sober, they were made to go out and buy a new door and replace it while the House Manager watched.
The next day, at eight, I was in the lounge at Crocket, surrounded by the other fourteen big brothers and a dozen freshmen, some curious and some angry and sullen. Two of the kids had refused to come. My speech was simple. "Guys, I don't have a whole lot to say to you except I'm sorry. What happened the other day should never have happened, and I apologize for what did happen. I was away until yesterday and didn't find out until then. If I had known earlier, I would have apologized earlier. It will never happen again."