Marilyn used to complain about how much we were paying the clowns in Washington, but she never actually ran the numbers. When you added in the necessity of keeping a home back in their district, their paychecks seemed ridiculously low. It shouldn't have been a surprise that so many Congressmen can be bought.
According to my briefing information, we would be getting lectured on Congressional ethics, an oxymoron on the level of 'jumbo shrimp!' I told Marilyn that it wasn't going to be so much a list of what we couldn't do, but more a guideline to how to get away with something. For instance, if the Acme Widget Company wanted a single source monopoly contract to the Federal government for the sale of their widgets, they had two ways of guaranteeing it. The fast and simple method is to go to the chairman of the House Widget Committee and drop a paper bag full of cash on his desk. Quick, efficient, and illegal.
Instead, the Acme Widget Company can find a lobbying company, generally a law firm with the former chairman of the Widget Committee on it, a man who decided he preferred living in Washington rather than going home to Mooseshit, Montana. The law firm sets up a think tank, the American Widget Advisory Board, designed to teach Congressmen about the wonders of the American widget industry, and how Acme Widget stands for truth, justice, and the American way! The lobbying firm then starts making campaign contributions. For instance, maybe the five owners of the Acme Widget Company each give $2,000 to the Chairman's reelection campaign. The Widget Advisory Board coughs up some more. Maybe the Widget Political Action Committee (dedicated to supporting the interests of American widgets, and not those inferior foreign widgets!) makes a contribution, and maybe they also run some campaign ads showing support for the Chairman.
Depending on just how much power the House Widget Committee has, and how much juice the Chairman has, and how big the potential contract is, there is even more that can be done. For instance, maybe the Chairman's worthless son needs a job. The Widget Advisory Board can hire him to investigate widget usage in Bermuda, and send him on vacation. (Andy Stewart's wife used to work for the bank lobby, remember) Maybe the Chairman's chief of staff is looking to retire and make more than a government salary can offer. Make him a deal directly! Best of all, Congressmen are immune from most insider trading statutes. Let the Congressman know that a positive vote will cause the values of stock options in Acme Widget to double, and suggest, offhand and just in the interest of full disclosure, what that might be worth.
I explained most of this to Marilyn over breakfast, and she simply shook her head in disbelief. I wondered what committee assignments I'd end up with. From what I understood, all the real work was actually done by the various Congressional committees, and there were good committees to be on and bad committees to be on. I was guessing, but I suspected the good committees were the ones with the most lobbyists and money washing around. I'd find out later in the week.
After breakfast I was stopped and invited to a luncheon by a defense contractor lobbyist, 'especially appropriate considering your distinguished service in the military!' I just smiled and nodded and promised to give it some thought.
As we rode upstairs in the elevator, I commented, "Well, at least we didn't get hit on by the environmentalists. They're probably off harassing the Democrats right now."
"Unbelievable!"
I unlocked the door to our suite and led her inside. I sat down on a couch in the parlor, and then stood again so I could pull the invites out of my pocket. I set them down on the coffee table and sat back down again. "You need to be careful with this stuff, too.", I told her.
"Me? You're the Congressman, not me!", she protested.
"Yeah, I know, but don't be surprised when they start coming after me through you! Or our friends! What happens when the motorcycle lobby comes after me through Tusker? Or somebody offers you a great sounding job that you never actually applied for? Maybe I'm just being careful, but the money sloshing around this town could sink a battleship!"
"Huh! So, we aren't going to any of those luncheons?"
I smiled and shrugged. "I don't know. Want to go to one and see what it's like? 'Luke, come to the Dark Side! We have cookies!'", I intoned deeply. "I can't be bought, but I might be able to be rented!"
"You're hopeless!", she laughed.
"When I go to jail, will you promise to visit me? Conjugal visits?"
"Yuck!"
We went to the luncheon by the defense lobbyists, met the Cunninghams, and stuffed ourselves. Dinner that night was at the Smithsonian, and we were seated next to the Boehners. Despite our visiting the Bahamas regularly, that guy had a much better tan than we did. Tom Foley, Speaker of the House, was the speaker at the dinner. Then we had more drinks, turned down invitations to a late night 'after party' by two separate groups, and went back to the L'Enfant Plaza. We managed to get busy back in our room, and afterwards I teased my wife about whether she would be able to go an entire week without me. Her response was, to put it mildly, rude!
Chapter 107: Mister Buckman Goes To Washington
"Mos Eisley spaceport: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious."
Change the name from Mos Eisley spaceport to Washington, D.C., and you've got the idea! Even Obi Wan Kenobi would have despaired of this place! That doesn't mean I was sorry I had run for office. It just made me want to be cautious.
Friday I managed to get lucky, and got a decent draw on office assignments. Basically names get pulled out of a hat, and afterwards you have 15 minutes to pick an office. There are three offices for the House of Representatives, Rayburn, Longworth, and Cannon, all on Independence Avenue south of the Capitol. There is a definite pecking order in where you get to call home. It's like back at Kegs, with Room Roulette, only not quite as organized, although probably more sober. Seniors outrank juniors, etc. The most coveted offices are in the Capitol building itself, but that is too small. Only really senior ranking people, like the Speaker or the leaders are in there. Most want to be in Rayburn, which is the newest building, and actually has an underground subway line over to the Capitol! Next down the list is Longworth, and then you have Cannon. Cannon is the oldest and you don't want to be there. The offices are smaller and were designed before the current staffs got so big. Freshmen Congressmen end up on the top floors of both Longworth and Cannon, and in Cannon, half your staff is in what is known as "The Cages." Quite literally, they sit in an open bullpen arrangement across a hall from your office, and are surrounded by cages which can be locked when unoccupied. It's like Siberia, only not as congenial. There were actually two other Congressional office buildings, Ford and O'Neill, but these were only used by committee staff, and in the case of O'Neill, Congressional pages.
Brewster McRiley had told me about this, and told me to get an office anywhere but Cannon. When my name was called early in the process, I got one on the fourth floor of Longworth. It wasn't the biggest office, but I would be able to keep my staff in one place without them feeling like second class citizens. Staffing would be difficult enough without having to put up with a two-tier system.
I wouldn't be able to move in until sometime in December, during the lame duck session. Losers have to leave by the end of November. I wasn't sure how you got to better offices if you moved up in seniority, but they had to have some sort of rules. My new office was still occupied by somebody who was voted out of office, so I decided to be polite and not check it out until after he had left.