Bob: "Did the President have a pickup line he used on you?"
Marilyn: (Laughing.) "Yes!"
Me: "No! I didn't have a pickup line! Did I?"
Marilyn: "It was so bad! I asked who you were, and you answered, 'Oh, darling, I am your Daddy's worst nightmare!' Oh, that was so bad!" (Laughing!)
Holly: "Daddy! That's awful!"
Molly: "Pretty cheesy, Dad!"
Me: (Laughing.) "Did I really say that?" (Marilyn nodded.) "Hey, it was almost thirty years ago. It worked, right? That's what counts!"
Bob: "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, Mister President. I don't think it's anything worse than I used when I was that age."
Me: "Thanks."
Bob: "Back during the election, quite a few women reported that they had dated Carl Buckman before he met you. How did you feel about that?"
Marilyn: (Smiling.) "Oh, I know about them. I've met quite a few, in fact."
Bob: (Shocked.) "You have?"
Marilyn: "Oh, yes! That was back in high school and before. We only live about thirty minutes from his high school. We've been to several reunions. We get together and compare notes." (It was my turn to groan!)
Bob: "Really? What did they have to say?"
Before I ever had a chance to shut my wife up, out it came!
Marilyn: "He was a popular date. They used to call it the Carl Buckman Experience!"
Me: (Blood draining from my face.) "I can't believe you said that!"
Holly: "That is so disgusting!"
Molly: "I think I am going to barf!"
Me: "Somebody please shoot me!"
Marilyn: "Oh, behave, the bunch of you."
I was facing a lifetime of Saturday Night Live jokes! They actually had to shut down for a few minutes while everybody stopped laughing. Ari and Frank were laughing so hard the tears were coming. The girls kept repeating how it was so disgusting, and Marilyn wasn't helping when she asked them how they thought they got here.
I knew it was going to get worse!
Chapter 147: State of the Union
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
I was right, of course. It was going to get worse, a lot worse! By Sunday night everybody in the White House, and seemingly half of Congress, knew about 'The Carl Buckman Experience.' All week long CBS was running blips and teasers from the interview, and I knew that little segment was going to be a big piece of it.
Ari was a little more even on it, surprisingly. Yes, it was going to be a bit embarrassing (A bit? You think!?) but was it really that bad a thing to be known as a great lover? I just groaned at that. I began getting grief about it well before the broadcast, because somebody from CBS got in touch with Marty Adrianopolis and asked him about the party where Marilyn and I met. Then he was asked if he had ever heard about the Carl Buckman Experience. I gather they didn't get a great interview because he was laughing too hard to answer the questions. Afterwards he called me and gave me a major ration of shit on the whole thing.
I went home that weekend to watch it. Sunday night the special ran from 8:00 to 10:00, and even before the show was over the phone was ringing off the hook. At one point I had Tusker on my cell phone, Suzie on the house phone, and Tessa on Marilyn's cell phone. Meanwhile the girls were on both their phones. Marilyn was laughing and the girls were making gagging noises. Tusker told me I deserved whatever happened to me. What a friend!
The Monday morning press briefing was a lengthy and hilarious exercise in futility. Ari ordered me, under pain of arrest by the Secret Service, not to be anywhere near the Press Room, and the agent nearest me damn neared died laughing. Ari got hit with all sorts of questions and could barely keep a straight face throughout it. He was hit with the expected questions about what the 'Experience' involved ("You'll need to ask the First Lady that one.") along with questions about whether the White House was getting complaints about how I played with Stormy ("Yes.") Some fellow out in LA named Cesar Millan was calling himself the Dog Whisperer and was telling people how bad I was at raising a dog. PETA tried to organize a protest out in front of the White House.
The list of complaints was endless. Native Americans, anti-immigration groups, and pro-immigration groups began arguing about the melting pot and whether I was a racist – somebody took the comment about 'Heaven only knows what our kids will end up dragging home someday!' as somehow insensitive and racist. Mothers Against Drunk Driving complained about underage drinking ("It wasn't underage in 1974." – that went nowhere!) Donald Wildmon, a preacher who ran a 'family values' group complained about my lewd and lascivious behavior and ran down fraternities as houses full of drunken hooligans! (Ari's response? "I asked the President about that, and he told me that was why he joined!") Drug companies were complaining that since I wasn't an expert in psychology I obviously didn't know how wonderful their pills were. It seemed as if I had spent the entire two hours offending the entire nation.
Meanwhile, the late night comics had been granted a gift from the gods! On the Daily Show, Jon Stewart ran an experiment setting booze on fire (He actually did two flaming shots, like I had done. His judgment? "Holy [bleeped.] He's one tough son of a [bleeped!]") One night he put Stephen Colbert in a dog suit and labeled him their 'Senior Canine Correspondent'. Leno brought out Santa Claus and a couple of good looking actresses in sexy elf costumes; Santa put me on the Naughty list, while the elves put me on the Nice list. Letterman made the Experience a Top 10 List, straight from the home office in Omaha, Nebraska.
It culminated on Saturday, December 22. Saturday Night Live started the show off with the Carl Buckman Experience. Forget Santa Clause! They had a Christmas present from the President of the United States! Darrell Hammond was the designated Carl Buckman impersonator. He had already done Bill Clinton, and Will Farrell had been doing George Bush. Darrell was the closest to looking like me, I guess, as long as he put some sort of skull cap on with thinning hair. He had done a few bits on me, but hadn't been too tough, since 9-11 was only a few months ago, and it was too raw to make fun of me bombing the Afghans in response. There had been one segment of me firing everybody I met one day, done shortly after I got rid of Dick Cheney.
The show opened in a replica of the Oval Office. It was late and 'I' was meeting with Tina Fey. I was behind my desk and she was sitting in front of it, playing the part of a Congresswoman. I was arguing for her to support my position, while she was refusing to support me.
Darrelclass="underline" "What can I do get you to support the bill, Congresswoman?"
Tina: "I am sorry, Mr. President, but I just can't do it."
Darrelclass="underline" "Nothing at all? Are you sure?"
Tina: "My mind is made up, sir."
Darrelclass="underline" "This is critical, Congresswoman!"
Tina: "No, Mister President, I won't change my mind!"
Darrelclass="underline" "Then I have no other choice. You'll just have to receive the Carl Buckman Experience!"
With that a large red button rose magically up through the desk. He pushed it, and suddenly the lights began to dim. Overhead speakers dropped down and "Love Is In The Air" began to play. A disco ball dropped down and colored lights began sparkling. A Murphy bed dropped down from the wall. Darrell stood up from behind the desk, and it was apparent he had been sitting there in boxer shorts with hearts on them.