The VIPs included the usual suspects, like the Commandant of the Coast Guard, Admiral Tom Collins, and the Secretary of Transportation, Norm Mineta. They had an obvious interest in increasing funding, and had been happy to cooperate. The real powerhouse behind the bill, however, had been the Vice President. Senator McCain had been the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation before the Dems took back the Senate, and he knew everybody involved, their strengths, their weaknesses, and where all the bodies were buried. If it was legal to let John sign the bill, I would have let him do it. Since it wasn't, he was going to be standing right behind me, and would be getting the first ceremonial pen.
That was part of the weirdest of the Presidential ceremonies, the signing ceremony. I had to sign the bill, but nowhere was it specified whether I did it with a pen or pencil or even a goose feather quill. For almost a century and a half, Presidents were content to simply sign the bill and be done with it. FDR decided to spice things up, by using more than one pen and giving them to supporters. The worst was LBJ, who when signing the Civil Rights Act used 75 different pens to sign the bill. It is beyond me how he managed a stunt like that, since even at a pen per letter he was way, way short of 75 pens. As for me, I was quite incapable of writing my signature in a fashion even remotely legible, so I had developed a different trick. I would use the first pen to sign my name and set it aside for my own collection, and then initial at appropriate places throughout the bill (my initials – CB with a circle drawn around them). Those would be the pens I would give away.
At 11:00 I was waiting in my office when Will Brucis stuck his head in the door and said, "Mister President, everyone is ready."
I stood up. "Thank you, Will. Now, watch me go out the door and trip over the door jamb on national television."
"Just try to do it gracefully, Mister President."
I went out the door and around the corner to exit the West Wing towards the Rose Garden. Thankfully, I didn't trip going through the door. I walked over to the podium, where everybody was arrayed properly. There was a microphone at the podium, but I could see several more, long range and parabolic, over the heads of the audience and reporters... "Can everybody hear me?", I asked. A couple of technical types gave me a thumbs-up, and I nodded to them. Showtime!
"The United States Coast Guard dates back to our first President, George Washington, and our first Secretary of the Treasury, Alexander Hamilton. It was then known as the Revenue Cutter Service. Since then, it has grown, and is now rightfully considered the finest life saving and maritime law enforcement service in the world. In that time they have developed two mottos. The official one is Semper Paratus, Always Ready. The unofficial one is 'You have to go out, but nobody said anything about coming back!' Both mottos are equally true.
Today it is my great privilege and pleasure to sign into law the Safeguarding the Sea Frontiers Act. For too long the sailors and airmen of the Coast Guard have been laboring under the burden of overworked ships and aircraft, and a need for improved facilities in port. Now we can give them the support they deserve, and that they earn every day they protect us. Now we can ... What in the world?"
That was the end of the carefully crafted presentation. Normally I would give a few more minutes of wonderful speechifying, and then move to the table. I would sit down, and with everybody hovering over me, would sign my life away. I had 20 pens today, each of which were Parkers which bore the Presidential Seal and were engraved with a serial number to prove they were not just some knock-off from the gift shop. After each signature or initial, I would set a pen into its case, and move on to the next. Afterwards, I would personally present each of the recipients with their pen, and shake their hand and smile for the cameras, all while saying something wonderful, warm, and personal to them. Politics 101.
Except for the fact that my eyes were drawn to a commotion at the far end of the Rose Garden, on the lawn behind all the cameras and reporters. I stopped and stared in disbelief at the interruption. Stormy had somehow gotten loose and made her way into the ass end of the Rose Garden, and was now playing a spirited game of keep-away with a pair of Secret Service agents trying to corral her. After a few seconds, nobody was watching me, and everybody was watching her! It got worse when one of the agents tried a flying tackle and Stormy jumped out of the way, leaving the agent sprawling on the grass. I decided to get my dog under control, so I stepped away from the podium and said,
"Stormy! Knock it off! Get over here, you dumb mutt!"
I gave a low whistle, too, and that got her attention. Her head whipped around, and she saw somebody else to play with, somebody who liked to roughhouse with her, and rub her belly, and play fetch and take her for walks. She jumped over the Secret Service agent and made a beeline for me.
That was when I got worried! Stormy doesn't have a mean bone in her body – or a smart one. She is a very big and very powerful dog. When we are playing tug-of-war with a rope, or otherwise horsing around, she can easily knock a grown man on his ass. She had one trick with the girls, where they would sit on the floor, one behind the other and with her arms around the sister in front, and they would play tug-of-war; she could pull the pair of them across the room that way. Now, from almost fifty yards away, she began running towards me, and very quickly reached a full gallop.
"Stormy! No, Stormy ... Stop! No ... Stop! Wait ... STORMY! AAAAGHHHH!"
All of this was carried to the video cameras recording our little ceremony, and picked up by the parabolic mikes. Stormy came running through a small gap in the reporters and vaulted onto the signing table. The bill went flying and pens scattered every which way. She didn't stop there, but then leaped at her best buddy. I had been backing up as she came closer, but it was useless. The final 'AAAAGHHHH' cut off when she slammed into me and knocked me flat on my back. I wasn't knocked out, or even dazed, but I had a sudden pain in my left side, and the wind was knocked out of me. Everybody was staring at the incredible scene, with me lying on my back while a monstrous brown dog sat on my chest and licked my face!
"STORMY! YOU IDIOT! GET OFF OF ME!"
I awkwardly pushed her off my chest and a Secret Service agent on one side and the Vice President on the other helped me to my feet. I was still being recorded when the world heard me ask of the agent, "I thought you guys were supposed to take a bullet for me!"
He laughed and answered, "Nobody ever said anything about taking a Stormy!"
"Great!" I reached down and took the mutt's collar. Then it got really stupid. From around a far corner of the Garden I could hear a pair of teenage girl's voices yelling 'Stormy! Stormy! Come here, Stormy!'
The twins came running around the corner, with one of them carrying a leash, and found themselves blundering smack into the middle of the signing ceremony from Hell. In front of me, a couple of aides were trying to set the table upright and gather up all the pens and papers. I gave my daughters a dry look and crooked a finger at them. They came closer and were quite self-conscious and nervous as they did so.
They had excellent reason to be self-conscious! Both were wearing running shoes, very tight running shorts, and very tight tank tops. Holly's was light grey, with a very large seven leafed marijuana leaf on the front, with 'NORML' on the back. Molly's was even worse, being black with a big silver star on the front, along with 'Porn Star In Training!' on the back. Tremendous! However, that was the least of their sins! Up on top they were wearing New York Yankees baseball caps!