My answer was always the same. "Then I'll have to divorce you and send you back to your family with nothing but the clothes on your back." Then I would toss in a variety of comments, like how she would have to eke out a living hustling guys on street corners, or driving escort vehicles for her brothers, or even going back to being a cocktail waitress at a bar up on Sacandaga Lake, like she had done in college one summer. The place was long gone, and I used to bust her chops that it was a good thing nobody had proof that I had married a cocktail waitress. At some point she would start laughing and calm down.
Finally, after eighteen years in politics, my wife was actually going to give a national speech, even if it was just a five minute introduction. On the plus side, at least as far as she was concerned, it would be her only national speech, since I didn't have to campaign anymore. I was standing back stage with her, as she stood there nervously, holding her hand to calm her nerves. I remembered a time when I had been nervous about speaking, but that was over a hundred years ago, when I was on my first go and very young. Then I had gotten my MBA, and you have to make a lot of presentations in front of classes to get that, and I got over my nervousness. Becoming a successful salesman made public speaking even easier.
A producer pointed towards us, and I leaned in to speak in her ear. "The speech is right there on the podium, and the teleprompter is right where you can see it. You'll be fine."
"And if I'm not?"
"See that guy pointing at us? He has this big hook and he'll reach out and..."
She grinned and said, "You're no help!"
At that point, we could hear, " ... and now let's welcome the First Lady of the United States of America!", and the applause and cheering began. The producer began gesturing wildly for Marilyn to go out on stage.
"Just go out and wave and you'll be fine.", I told her, and I gave my wife a slight nudge and she headed out from behind the curtain at the side, waving, and the cheering became deafening.
I glanced at a monitor backstage, and Marilyn waved and smiled as she walked to the podium. Below her, the crowd was yelling and cheering, and waving banners marked "McCain – Bush 2008". She went to the podium, and had to wait for the pandemonium to subside. I noticed that she didn't calm them down, but that floor wardens were doing that out among the delegations. Finally it was her chance to give her little speech. I knew it wouldn't be long, and it was simply an introduction for me, but I had gotten a copy of it ahead of time, and I smiled at the total nonsense she was about to offer up.
"Thank you for letting me speak tonight. When Carl asked me to do this, I asked him what to say, and he told me to tell everyone how wonderful he was and any other lies I could think of. When I asked him how many would be watching and listening, he told me it wouldn't be that many, just thousands of people in the audience, and millions more on television. I have to tell you, my husband can be a real pain at times!"
There was a huge amount of laughter and applause at this.
"Actually, what we talked about was what I would have done if I had known where we would both end up back when we first met. I think that if I had known what was going to happen when I first met Carl Buckman, I would have gone running in the other direction! We were both freshmen in college, and I can't for the life of me remember what made me go with my friends to that particular party. I'd never been to a fraternity party, or even to Carl's college, but I went anyway, and I met a really great guy.
I didn't know anything about Carl, but I knew he made me feel safe and loved. I didn't even know he was a Republican, a fact that still upsets my parents."
There was a lot of laughter at that one, along with her next line.
"Carl once told them that I was actually spying for the Democratic Party, so that I would be able to learn the secret handshake. I'm still waiting to learn that one.
That first night I didn't know he was already halfway to earning a doctorate in mathematics and writing a paper that would form a theoretical basis for computer networking. I didn't know that he was going to become a combat soldier who would earn a Bronze Star for heroism. I didn't know that he had become a millionaire before he even turned 18. I didn't know that when he left the Army an injured hero that he would go on to build a business that would employ hundreds of people. I didn't know that he would go on to write three books that would end up on the New York Times bestseller lists, and I didn't know that he would end up running for Congress and beating a corrupt incumbent in a dirty campaign fight. Finally, I didn't know that someday, that big, tongue-tied, smart, goofy guy would end up as President of the greatest nation in the world!
I think if I had known what would actually happen, I would have gone screaming into the night! I would have settled down with somebody nice and boring and predictable. Now, all I can say is that I am so glad that after that party, when Carl Buckman asked me to go out with him on a date the next night, I said 'Yes!' There have been times it has been hard and times it has been painful, but it has never been boring, and I've never been sorry!
So, join me in welcoming a man who is my hero, and a hero to the nation. Join me in welcoming CARL BUCKMAN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!"
Marilyn turned to face me and I could see her eyes were wet with tears, but she had a big smile on her face, and the audience was screaming and going berserk. I had asked her to stay at the podium while I came out, so that I could give her a nice PG rated hug for the cameras.
I walked out on stage, smiling and waving at the crowds, with flashes going off and pandemonium out in the crowd. I smiled at Marilyn and gave her a big hug, and then slipped my handkerchief out of my pocket and palmed it to her. She began to wipe her eyes, which set the crowd to cheering even louder. I just grinned and gave her another hug around the shoulders and waved. After a minute, I stepped to the podium, and Marilyn backed away, but I held onto her hand. She looked at me and I whispered, "Just stay with me a moment longer." She gave a slight shrug and came forward to stand next to me. I motioned for the crowd to settle down, and it slowly calmed down.
"Thank you, thank you. Now, before I get started, I have something to say first, and it's about this amazing woman who is standing here beside me. They say that behind every great man stands a great woman, but I am here to tell you that Marilyn Buckman has never stood behind me! No, Marilyn Buckman has always stood beside me, facing every challenge with me. For better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, Marilyn Buckman has stayed, not behind me, but at my side, and I couldn't have accomplished a tenth of what I have without her. So, thank you, Marilyn, for taking that chance on me all those years ago, and going out with me on that first date. I have been thanking God for you ever since!"
Marilyn started crying again, and I gave her another hug, and then she kissed me and ran off the stage. I waited a moment for the audience to calm down, and then began.
"Well, now that I have the important stuff out of the way, why don't we get down to why we're all actually here. You know, electing John McCain the next President of the United States of America!"
There was a lot of cheering at that, and I went into my speech. My speech was mostly pointing out the various times in the last seven years that I had used John to get something accomplished, like legislation or foreign affairs. In most cases I was able to give some details that weren't common knowledge, such as the role John had in keeping Erdogan and the Turks on board during the Kurdish War. After each item I mentioned I would hammer home the exact same phrase – "There's a reason I hired this guy! He gets things done!" It was hard to keep a rolling cadence with this type of speech, but by the end, I was getting the audience screaming along when I hit the note about getting things done.