"Why couldn't it stay like that?" I asked. That kind of "imprisonment" didn't sound bad to me at all. In fact, it sounded just like I thought my life would always be. "Why?"
"Because we knew many things that they did not. And no matter how open we were with the info, it became clear that they would never believe we shared it all. If there is no trust, then we would always be seen as a threat." He shook his head. "Again, I just can't blame them. We'd do exactly the same if it was Earth in question. They made it clear that any perceived freedom on our part was finite. And when it came time, they would move those they wanted, you and your folks, to remain forever on Laak'sa. Live or die, didn't matter to them. You would be their experiments."
I sat in silence for a long time waiting for him to continue. He sat in silence for a long time waiting for me to ask questions. It was too much. The Earth felt heavier and heavier.
"It wouldn't have been so bad being left there," I said after I couldn't take it anymore. I expected him to be angry, but he surprised me.
"Maybe not for you. Hell, you've spent your whole life as a prisoner, kid. But we didn't want that for you. We wanted you to be able to keep going, to find home, or a home, one of your choosing not our foolishness." He looked very tired and so very sad. "You're our kid. Not just theirs. All of us, we raised you. We helped nurse you when you were born so damn early. We took turns walking the ship with you when you had colic. We babysat, carried you around while we did our work, played monkey see and hide and go seek and..." he choked up. "You're our kid, and we all...we all had so much more planned for you."
My eyes were filling up and I turned away. I'd be damned if I'd let him see me cry. "But you didn't ask me what I wanted."
"No." Again, he was unapologetic. "If we asked you, you'd sign your life away without even knowing it. You'd take what you always knew instead of a life that a person should be able to choose. I'm not going to apologize. I'm not at all sorry. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, even if it was someone else that got to take you home. Even if I knew I would be put to the death for it. I'd do it a million times over. And every single one of them would say the same. You have options. You have a chance."
"What if I want to go back?" I whispered. When Ralph didn't answer, I knew. I suddenly understood the enormity of everyones' sacrifices, even my own. It was gone, all of it. I felt an exhaustion like no other I'd ever known wash over me. It was the brutality of it all, the finality. I lost it. I truly lost everything, everyone. Mother, Dad...Ashnahta. My insides felt like they were made of lead as I got up. Cold, stark, and alone.
No, not alone. I had Ralph. I walked over and sat heavily next to him on his bed. And then I gave in and bawled my eyes out.
"It's not fair, is it, kid?" he said quietly.
No, Ralph. No it wasn't.
Chapter 14
I pushed myself hard. My legs were killing me. My lungs burned. It felt like I was trying to breathe in the very rocks I was trying to climb. I pushed harder. My foot hit a loose patch and I gave up using just my legs and leaned, like an animal, clawing my way up. I needed to be alone, and since there were no marshes near Alistair's cabin, I had to made do with the mountain.
I pushed harder. My arms ached. They protested having to pull the rest of me up and up and up. I had no idea how long I had been climbing. I wondered if people were looking for me, searching the cabin. I didn't want to worry them, but I also didn't really care that much if you want to know the truth. I was angry and hurting and I needed to push myself until I was too physically exhausted to feel either.
The day was my day. I needed it to be. I needed to have a day when I was off limits to everyone, where my thoughts and feelings weren't analyzed by a team, when I didn't have to jump through hoops or answer interviews or even listen to stories about people I'd never meet and would never care about. I needed a day to just be Jake, and to figure out just what that meant now that I had lost everything.
I slipped on another rock, and paused for a minute to make sure I had my balance back. I glanced up the slope. I was almost to the top. I could see it. It wasn't the highest mountain in the area, not by far. But it was the highest I'd ever climbed without the aid of a trekman, and I couldn't help feeling a little proud of myself.
After a hard push up the last steep cliff, I reached the top. I pulled myself more than climbed the last few dozen meters, and then lay at the wide, nearly flat top, trying to catch my breath. The star burned down on my face and my lungs grabbed for the cold air. I did it. I made it.
I lay there until my heart slowed. I lay until my breathing was normal. I felt the star they call the Sun and let it fill me with it's calm. I don't know how long I just laid there. I stayed motionless until the sun began to feel a little too warm, however long that was. I drew another deep breath and sat up. To my left, there was a little ledge, and I scooted over and looked down.
Okay, so it wasn't even close to the world's largest mountain. It didn't matter. I did it. I climbed the whole thing in spite of their god awful gravity. I swung my legs around and let them dangle over the boulder. Alistair's cabin was far below. I could just see the roof peeking through the trees. If I could have seen the people, they would have looked like caa' flies from my perch.
I felt calmer after the climb and allowed myself to process all I had learned. Why? That was the number one question coursing through my head. Why? I knew what Ralph had said. I also knew all the information in the files I read through the rest of the night. It was clear that Mother and Dad didn't feel like they'd been tricked. Or duped. Or conned or...I don't know. It's clear they believed we as humans would do the same if the tables were turned.
I tossed a pebble off the side of the cliff and listened for the ping far below. I used to do that in the trekman, then playback the recordings later to hear the sounds outside the enforced suit. It was very different to be able to hear it with my own ears in the moment. I threw another. And another. The third was bigger and started a chain reaction. Where it took the first bounce, it knocked another rock loose, that pulled smaller ones and sand with it down the slope. I tried to get that to happen again, but couldn't.
I couldn't go back to Laak'sa. I suppose somewhere I always knew that. My mouth dried instantly with the thought and I tried to choke down another sip of water. I couldn't go back. They would close the fah'ti on the Qitani end. Morhal would have had to, if for no other reason than to save face. It was the only logical step. Two humans successfully came through this way, successfully duped the Primary. It no longer mattered if she thought humans were a legitimate threat or not. We made her look like a fool, and she would be bound to take steps to ensure that never happened again.
I cursed myself for the millionth time. Ralph and I had sent up messages for Dad and Mother through the fah'ti. Just to let them know we were fine, of course. Did I damn my own parents? It would have been much better if they had never heard. That way perhaps Mother could have convinced Morhal we did not live. I wondered why Ralph sent the messages. He knew the whole story. Unlike me, he knew that we were, essentially, run aways. Why did he go along with it?
I pinged another rock, harder this time. My anger was growing again. Because it wouldn't have mattered one way or the other, that's why. Mother and Dad made themselves enemies the moment they let me go. Whether I actually lived or died was irrelevant. Morhal could never trust any of the crew again, not publicly and most likely not privately, either.
I couldn't ever go back. It's why Reginald wouldn't promise me that payment in his office. It's why Ralph wouldn't even discuss it. I couldn't go back and they knew. It was no longer my home and they all knew. I hurled another rock and watched as a satisfying cascade of rocks and sand followed it down the mountainside.