I really hit me that I had no home. I looked at the roof of Alistair's cabin. While it was the most comfortable place I'd been to on Earth yet, it wasn't home. It wasn't my home. My estates? I laughed out loud at that idea. I hated being in the one in Washington. When I told Lynette that once, she pointed out that I had others, that I could visit them all. "You've got so many to chose from that there's got to be at least one you like." The thought of traveling to house after house was not appealing. Besides, it wasn't the house that didn't feel like home. It was the planet. Earth was not my homeworld. As much as I tried to fit in, it simply wasn't a fit.
The thought brought a panic bubbling up inside me again. I closed my eyes and turned my face to the star, trying to force the panic back. What if I was stuck here? I couldn't go back to Laak'sa. I couldn't even go live with the Ehkin. What if Earth was now my only option? How could I ever feel at peace again with the people I couldn't relate to and the lands that never felt welcoming? What if my life would continue forever as it had been the last couple months? Parties and openings and garden teas that were anything but, and the people who gave me funny looks and the worse ones who only wanted things from me, and the questions...what if the questions never stopped? I bet that right that very minute, some reporter was hounding Alistair to find me for an interview. I laughed. At least they couldn't interview me again if I was on top of a mountain, though.
Actually, maybe they probably could. They could fly a little bot around to find me and turn on the bright lights and have the bot voice ask me the stupid questions I'd gotten in a steady stream for these past months.
"What's your favorite part about Earth life?"
"How are you liking our social scene?"
"What are your hopes for the future?"
"Are there really aliens?"
Yes. And they're liars.
Another pang of guilt rolled through me. I picked up a large rock and gave it a good throw. I could understand the anger I felt. I could understand the sadness. By why did I feel guilty? Why did I still feel like I was betraying my people with my anger?
I didn't care what her reasons were, Morhal let me into their lives. She let me roam her castle. She let me sit by Ashnahta's side and learn their culture. She let me eat their food, even though it made Mother furious. I don't care if she took me for a moron. She still let me be part of their tribe.
Did Ashnahta know?
No. I swallowed a lump in my throat. No! I threw another rock at the traitorous thought. She didn't. She did not know. I was sure of it. She didn't think I was a moron. Weak, sure. Her subordinate, of course. She knew everyone but Morhal to be her subordinate. In spite of race and rank, I knew she was my friend, and I was hers. I was certainly more of a friend than those Qitani who clustered around her for status. I was more a friend to her than her sisters who pretended to want her success but would have killed her in the night if given the chance. I was far more of a friend than her secondary mother, Ta'al, who wanted her own primary daughter to take the throne. Even Morhal was never friendly with Ashnahta. The parental relationship on Laak'sa didn't allow for it, not when the stakes were so high.
I was her friend, maybe the only one she'd ever really have. I knew that. And she was mine, she truly was. I felt it so deep inside that I couldn't make myself believe otherwise. I felt lost when I thought that there was a good chance I'd never have a friend like her again in my life. I'd met hundreds if not thousands of people on Earth, and not one of them called to me the way she did. The dread of a future without that connection was almost too much to bear.
What if they had let me stay? I could have helped. If Mother and Dad had just trusted me, I could have stayed. I would have stayed. And they wouldn't have to face whatever wrath Morhal had waiting for them. Were they even still alive? Ralph said that they wanted "more" for me. Why didn't they even ask what I wanted? I wanted my life! The one I had, the one I loved. Why didn't they even ask? It was too late. I could have helped them for once if they had just let me. But I was stuck on Earth, where they wanted to be, and they were stuck on Laak'sa, where I wanted to be. It was all so frustrating, and there wasn't a thing I could do to change it.
I couldn't go back. And I was trying, but I couldn't fit in on Earth. I didn't know who I could trust anymore, and there were still thousands of questions I wanted answered. I sat on the rock on the top of the world, or as close to the top as I'd been, and let the millions of thoughts play through my head. My arms ached. My face was feeling very hot, and my feet were throbbing. And I sat there and figured out how to accept it all.
When it was turning to late afternoon and my stomach was growling, I supposed I'd spent enough time thinking. I was still angry and hurting, and I still didn't have any answers. But it felt damn good to be able to brood by myself for once. It was worth the sore muscles and blisters on my toes.
"If you had asked I would have told you what kind of shoes to wear." Lynette snapped at me from the second she saw me right through the evening. "Did you at least get them checked out?"
I sighed. I'd already told her a dozen times that I wasn't worried about the blisters. "I'm sorry," I said for the hundredth time. "I didn't mean to worry any of you."
She rolled her eyes and picked at her dinner. Marlon shot me a sympathetic look, the first and only one I'd probably ever get from him. He alone seemed to realize that sometimes a person needed to simply be by themselves for awhile. Alistair was...I don't know if angry is the right word. Disappointed, maybe, which was worse.
Ralph was the only one who openly chewed me out. He didn't hold back. I was irresponsible. I was selfish. I was thoughtless. I was only concerned with myself and didn't care about anyone or anything. I took it. After all, I should have let him know where I was. I knew it when I headed out early that morning. And he was totally right to yell at me. I didn't even bother to defend myself.
"What were you thinking?" he asked over and over.
Everything.
My face hurt. Lynette called it a "sunburn you rightly deserve!" before smearing on some cold creamy junk. It helped for a minute, but the burn quickly flared back up. There was no way I was about to ask for more. I poked at my dinner, just wishing the time would pass faster and I could go to bed.
"I got that code cracked, Mr. Willington," Marlon piped up a few minutes later. I wasn't the only one feeling the weight of the silent, angry people pretending to eat. I didn't know what surprised me more; the fact that Alistair had given Marlon a job to do, or Marlon showing respect to him.
"Good. I'll have another if you're game."
Marlon nodded. "Yes, sir."
"What code?" I asked. Anything to get people talking. Lynette shot me a glare. I ignored it.
"Oh, nothing much," said Marlon in a tone that told me he was about to brag big time. "Just a little code his team's been trying to crack for three years now." He sat back and puffed out his chest. "Took less than an afternoon."
"It's a StarTech code, Mr. Donnely, and as a StarTech employee, you have access..."
Ralph swore. "I can't do this." He pushed back from the table and stood, taking his plate. "I'm done babysitting ST brats who can't do what they're told. No offense, Alistair, but I've had my fill of renegades for the day."
"None taken," the old man almost beamed. "I understand you're in a difficult position with my work."
Ralph shook his head. "No. Don't say another word about it. The less I know the better. At least one person in this room knows not to bite the hand that feeds them!"
Lynette nodded firmly and stood to leave, too. "Well said, Ralph!" They both stormed out. If I didn't know just how real their anger was, I'd have laughed.
Alistair sighed heavily. "Now the riff raff's gone...what in the blazes were you thinking, boy?"