I was expecting it. I opened myself for his prying. He looked at me for a minute, then shook his head. "Oh, Jacob."
"What?" Marlon asked.
You can't blame them for wanting more than a life of servitude for you, he inspoke to me.
Isn't that what I have now? The chains have a different brand on them, but it's still the same.
His eyes went wide and he sat back. He never thought of it like that.
"I promised to do what they wanted without knowing the whole story," I said out loud for Marlon's benefit.
"And now you have buyer's remorse, is that it?"
I had to scoff. "I'm now working for people who have lied to me every step of the way. Yes I have buyer's remorse. Wouldn't you?"
He shrugged. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. I can't pretend to understand how it feels."
"Oh," said Marlon, butting in. "This is about all that fart junk, isn't it?" He was pleased he figured it out. "Yeah, I saw that. Pisser." He shoveled more food in his mouth.
I tried to be offended that he'd read the communiques, but I just couldn't muster any more anger. "Yeah. Pisser." What an understatement.
He pointed his fork at me. "You're not that different from Lynnie and I."
"I'm not, eh?"
"No. Your folks sold you up the river, too."
Alistair tsked. "Now Mr. Donnely, the way I see it no one was sold up any river. Jacob, I know you've learned something you wished you never knew. But we all do. All of us. Did you know that the only reason I'm in existence at all is because my father needed both a girl and a boy for a lifelong sociological research project? I saw the data myself and when I asked him about it, true to form, he didn't even try and deny it. I'm an experiment, just like you. Mr. Donnely, he had terrible folks that sold him and his sister to pay off drug debts."
"Hey!"
Alistair ignored Marlon's outburst and kept talking. "And let us take a look at where we all are today. First me. I'm here. And if my father hadn't been a cold hearted, scientifically calculating ass, I wouldn't be. I'm certainly glad I'm here! The Donnelys, they would have statistically ended up drug abusers and pushers themselves had their parents not made the right decision to give them over to a better life. And you, young man, would have no choices whatsoever in your life if your parents didn't get you away."
"But that's my home!" I yelled. No one could understand. "If I stayed, if they just asked me first...I could have saved them."
"It was your home that would have turned into your prison!" He sighed and pushed his plate away. He began gesturing with his hands like Mother does when she's trying to explain something. "Let's look at the facts. You have spent your life floating around the universe. The longest you stayed anywhere before Laak'sa was on v-2445." He knew it all from my thoughts, my memories, the instant flood of myself I allowed him to view in his own mind. "Of course you feel that Laak'sa is your home. It's where you did the most growing. It does not have to change in your memory. No one is taking that."
His insight was making me uncomfortable. He was pulling the deepest fears out into the open. Inspeaking them is one thing. But sharing them out loud... "Forget it."
"I will not. Let us get right to the root."
"I miss my folks," said Marlon out of the blue. "They were drugged up abusers. But I still miss them. Doesn't mean I should go back, but also doesn't mean part of me doesn't want to do just that. The little kid that had fun times before I realized what a god awful life we were living, he still wants his mama." He cleared his throat suddenly, as if he didn't realize he was speaking out loud. He put his red face back down and started eating again.
"Mr. Donnely makes my point. You cannot go backwards, Jacob. Even if you could make the jump back through the fah'ti, it would not be the same. You're becoming a man, Jacob. You're not looking at the situation through the blind eyes of a child. That is not a bad thing." I snorted. "Fine," he said with a kind smile. "Some of it is bad. But things change as we get older for a reason. Now you know. Now, the next world you go to, you can look for them before they find you. You can travel with the knowledge of caution your parents never had. Laak'sa can your home, inside. In your loving memories. This does not change that. It only changes where you go from here.
"You're an employee of StarTech. They have a finite task for you to complete. So do it. Do as they say. Learn. Take notes. And then take this journey, combine it with what you already know, and make a plan for yourself. All of this adds together to make the adult you will be. And just because you learn a different facet after the fact does not mean the experience and warm memories weren't real or didn't matter. Think about it."
I did think about it. I sat there thinking over his words long after he and Marlon cleared out. I sat and stared blankly at my plate of uneaten, cold food until I felt the truth of his words. His words made a kind of peace inside me and I suddenly needed to set things right with Ralph, to let him know I understood, to forgive him and keep the one person I had left close.
I jogged upstairs. I wanted a real talk, not a Q&A in the middle of the night from a panicked kid, or the shouting match dress-down when the scared kid acted like a jerk. I wanted to sit and talk to him. I wanted to apologize, first and foremost. And then I wanted explanations. Not accusations, just explanations and clarifications.
I knocked on his door. He didn't answer. I cracked it open and stuck my head inside. He wasn't in there. I saw his holo on the desk and picked it up to write him a note of apology when I saw the heading of unread messages from Reginald blinking in the corner of the screen. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help it. I clicked the messages open and read them.
Communication 74556-c3 ST Command:
RE: Reply reply Buttrick:
And one more thing... for the record, Chris agrees, if that makes any difference. You know how much Chris thinks of Jake. Trust me. This is in his best interest.
What? That didn't make any sense. I saw that it was some reply, so I clicked on the previous message.
Communication 74556-c2 ST command:
RE: Reply Buttrick:
Damn it do you ever answer your holo?
Please, PLEASE think this through. We don't even know if she's going to make it. You think he's crushed now? IF she can pull through, then we'll let him know. If she doesn't, then wouldn't it be worse for him?
My heart pounded in my chest. I couldn't stop my fingers from clicking the next in the line. Something in me already knew what they were talking about, but I just had to see the proof.
Communication 3429 Buttrick:
RE: Jake
Jesus, Reggie. We have to tell him and tell him NOW. We can't let him find that out the same way. I'm not talking as his handler or a stupid ST employee. I don't give a rat's ass about your protocols. If you saw how it crushed him to find out about his folks, you'd be singing a different tune.
"Jake."
I turned around, unsure of what I just read. "I..I was leaving you a message...I stammered."
He toweled his hair in the doorway. He was frowning at me. "Well, I'm here now," he said, looking at the holo in my hands.
I warred with myself for a split second, a million possible questions forming and deleting in my brain before I somehow made an important decision. I shifted my thumb quickly on the holo keypad and backed out of the communique. He would tell me. Ralph would tell me. Whatever those messages were all about, he would tell me. He would pass the test. "I just wanted to tell you I was sorry. You know. For earlier."
I sounded calm. He took the holo from my hand and glanced down. Seeing nothing amiss, he flashed me a smile. "I over reacted. Hell, I remember what it's like to be a teenager."