I laughed out loud on the X3 and the sound of my own voice was both startling and somehow securing. It didn't sound like me. Of course not, not at those speeds. But it did sound like someone. Anyone. Dad, right with me.
"I miss you Dad," I said out loud. The twisted voice came back to me and the hollowness added to my pain. I couldn't do that. Not there, not then. I couldn't think about Dad, Mother.
Ralph. I thought about Ralph. I thought long and hard about him, the thinking taking more effort than usual because of the amount of concentration required to hold a single clear thought. He was probably going to be livid with me. I didn't have it in me, bare, exposed and raw like I was, to even pretend to be angry at him. I was confused and hurt. I didn't understand how he could pick StarTech over me. I shed tears that were instantly pushed behind me. The feeling of them wrapping around my face, pushing past my ears was fascinating and my tired mind concentrated on that instead.
At some point, my holo warned me about the gases. The suddenness of the noise made me jump and it took me a few seconds to remember what the noise meant. Had it really been that long? Of course, what did time mean? It took all my strength to pick up muscles that thought they were thousands and thousands of miles behind me and get the mask. I somehow got it into place and felt the cold oxygen flood around my face. With the mask on, I felt less vulnerable. More in control. There was something real pressing on me, around me. Something I could see. My anchor. I decided to leave it on the rest of the trip.
Or maybe I just decided not to take it off. I can't be sure. I can't actually be sure of too much after the halfway point. Bert was right. Going that long that fast did things to me. I began to see people in the cabin with me. Looking back, I can call them hallucinations. I can even rest assured that's the only logical explanation. But were they? I still can't say for certain. Lena appeared. I hadn't seen her after my first few weeks on Utopia. I don't think I'd thought of her once in all the months between then and the flight, so I don't know why it was her I conjured. Maybe I wasn't the one that did the conjuring.
"Here now. You'll get in so much trouble when they find out, you know. Can I at least check your vitals?" I answered and thought I held out my hand. "You're going to set yourself back a long way with this little stunt." She gave me that conspiratorial wink I'd seen from her a time or two when I'd whine about the conditioning. I couldn't even walk on my own when she met me. Had it really been only six months since then?
Maybe. Maybe not. Was there time at all?
"So you're running back to save your green people, are you?"
It's her, isn't it?
She shrugged. "What do I know? I'm just a nurse on this ward. I don't know what they do on the upper levels. But that's what you're up to, isn't it?"
Yes.
She did not look like she understood. "You were doing pretty well for yourself on Earth. You know you screwed all that up, don't you?" Didn't she know I wanted to screw it all up? "And getting Marlon involved. That wasn't very fair for a friend to do."
He wasn't my friend.
"He's not, hm? So you turned to your worst enemy in your hour of need, did you? That's weird. Must be a Qitani trait, because we humans certainly don't trust our enemies that much."
The Qitani are our enemies.
"Bitterness does not suit you Jake, it really doesn't. Where's the boy who talked about a new race of people with such love and devotion?"
I thought the idea of them scared you.
"Of course it did! At first. Everything new is scary at first, Jake. So why the change, kiddo?" She changed to Ralph, just like that. He was there with me then.
You of all people know why.
"I know you feel like they betrayed you. They didn't. They were always honest. It was us that kept things from you. If it was up to them, you would have known from the get go, too."
That's a mean thing to do to a kid.
"Us? Or them? No, neither. We all do what we think is best. Sometimes it turns out not to be. I don't think that's the case here. You can't hate us. And even if you think you can, I know you better...you can't hate them, either. And you shouldn't."
I don't.
"I know."
I want to.
He laughed. "I know."
Especially you.
"Yeah. I know that, too. But we all can't think and act like you'd like, Jakey." It was Mother's voice I heard. "And you'd be foolish to believe life works that way."
Can you inspeak?
"Now why would you ask me such an impossible to answer question? I've spent the last five years working on the fah'ti and Qitani technology. There was simply no time for any type of experiment and a hypothesis is not the same as an answer. Why, at best, I could possibly advance a theory, but what's that? Hm?"
Nothing.
"Exactly! Now, about this mission you are on. I can't say I'm disappointed, because perhaps the data that is collected will be valuable. But there is a reason why the gas exists, Jakey, and as your mother, I'm very disappointed to see that you've bucked a tried and true system."
Said the lady who had a baby in space.
"Touche. Please, for once in your life, would you listen to what someone who knows a little more than you has to say?" Mother was replaced by Xavier. "You little brat. We risk our asses for you..."
"Don't be mean," said Daniel, taking over. "He's always been a pushy, no good jackass. You hang in there, Jake."
I miss your food.
He laughed. "You do not. You miss learning how to butter people up, that's what you miss! No one can stand my cooking. Not my fault I'm working with protein mash. You might want to check yourself." It was Stephan now. "You're vitals are showing bad."
And on and on. Or maybe it all happened in a flash. It felt like everyone I ever knew popped in to check on me. It had to be my subconscious keeping me sane, keeping me sane by making me insane in a way my brain could accept. Who knows? All I'm sure of is that one minute I was talking with Lynette, trying to apologize and explain, and the next the clicking of the bot drones raised in pitch and got faster. My body felt lighter by slow increments. The scene on the screen showed the burning blue and white flames of entry.
We were there. We were landing. I felt my tears of relief falling, rolling straight down my cheeks as they should. I unstrapped the oxygen mask and tried to get the pulling and spinning feeling in me to go away. We landed smoothly. The lack of motion sent my head spinning for a minute and I closed my eyes and drew deep breaths. I unlocked the straps of my seat and immediately pitched forward, my legs and arms failing to understand that the Jake on Mars was the same Jake that had just been on Earth and that we were whole and complete and we all needed to work as one unit and get moving.
The cabin door opened. Marlon was there, groggy, a zombie himself. "Out. Here. Walk." He worked his mouth as if trying to say more but finding it impossible. He held out a hand. I forced my arm to lift. I closed my hand around Marlon's and made myself stand. I nearly pulled us both over with the action, but after a second our wobbling stopped. Marlon let out what could have been a laugh and we stumbled forward to the door.
Christophe was there. I didn't even know he was on Utopia. He wasn't supposed to be. He was supposed to be in Washington at another stupid IOC hearing. I had a fleeting thought that he wasn't really there, that he was like the others who kept me company on the journey. He was just a figment of my overworked imagination.
"Mr. Donnely, I believe if I speak to you right now one of us would end up dead." He made a motion for one of the StarTech guards behind him to take Marlon. "Infirmary seven. Sedate him. I want everything on his person to be confiscated and brought to my office."