I shook my head. "Not even close," I repeated. "Here, I'm still very much considered a child."
She balked. "You walk like a man and talk like a man and think like a man."
"And for a couple more years, that doesn't matter."
She looked right through me then. That's what it felt like. She'd done it since we met all those years ago. It was one of her most annoying habits, to tell you the truth. If I took off all my clothes and stood in the middle of one of the great storms off the Gukki Sea, I could not have felt more naked or exposed. Only this time, it was different. This time, it was a different kind of nakedness, a different kind of assessment, and I felt my face burn with embarrassment. "Do you want me to remove those bioreceptors?" I said quickly to change the subject. It worked. I felt her bold searching pull back into herself.
Ashnahta glanced down at the bioreceptors stuck all over her. She knew what those were. Mother and the other squints talked Morhal into allowing them to take basic bio readouts. She gave a quick nod, then held her arms out in permission. Still the Primary in training, even away from her throne.
I began to remove the pads. "They sure used enough of them, eh?" She gave me the bored look, as if all of this was beneath her. The docs and bots had used a ridiculous amount. The pads were stuck everywhere. I started on the ones at her temples, then moved down her neck. I had her lean forward and unstuck the ones across the top of her back.
"Do not forget my legs. Those itch." She tugged the blanket free and I got the ones off her feet, ankles, and knees.
"Jeez, they must have been recording every single muscle twitch!" I wadded up the sticky pads in my hand and put them on a tray. "There. I think that's all."
"Then you are bad at this job you take on." She moved the blanket and slipped her arms out of her gown and sat naked before me. There were pads stuck to her chest and her belly. She held her arms out and sighed impatiently. "Well?"
On Laak'sa, the clothing all the Qitani wore was token, at best. Their woven metal garments were very protective against the rains. Even the wind driven afternoon raindrops slid right off. The clothing provided the protection they needed, but the metallic fiber strands were so thin they offered no concealment. None. They couldn't. The tropical climate was hot and sultry. They couldn't cover themselves up too much or else the heat would have suffocated them. And on Laak'sa, having been around it when I was still really a child, it never mattered.
I swallowed hard. Here, it matters.
Had I been away that long? Or had I just started to grow up?
Your face is red. Is there an illness?
I reached over and tugged off the bioreceptors as quickly as I could, then pulled the gown back up her arms. She went to pull it back off, but I told her to keep it on.
"It tickles the skin."
Leave it, I ordered.
Do not tell me...
"It's the custom," I said. "Leave it."
She sighed heavily. "I should have my own tun'ti. Bring it."
"I don't know where it is. Besides, this will be much more comfortable..."
You have embarrassment, Jacob. There was a deep amusement in her eyes as soon as she figured it out. It made my "having embarrassment" even worse.
I gave an impatient sigh. "Would you just leave that on? Please. It's just what we...what they do around here."
"Is it a danger not to?"
I couldn't lie to her. No, I mean that. I legitimately could not lie. I learned that one early on, even before I knew about inspeaking. She would poke and prod until she felt the truth and then rage with all her royal fury that I would dare even attempt to conceal the truth. I learned that lesson, and learned it well! So, I couldn't lie. But I could choose which part of the truth to tell her. "Your skin can burn from the sun."
"Sun?"
"The star."
"It burns?"
"It can." I pointed to my own face. "I got a little burnt myself the other day."
She squinted. "It hurts?"
I was going to shake my head but then nodded. "Oh, yes. So keep covered."
She wasn't buying it. But her eyes were starting to droop, so she accepted it for the time being. I knew that would not be the last. She would want a real explanation.
It is heavy here. Even in her exhaustion, her thoughts were clearly sent.
Yes.
And so much to learn.
You have no idea.
I tire.
Sleep.
Will you be here?
Yes.
I shall forget your name always if you are not.
I smiled at her and took her hand.
You keep touching me.
I could feel the question in her. She was uncertain. It was an unusual emotion to feel from someone who was used to ordering around an entire population. "Yes. I keep touching you. Now go to sleep."
I do not want sleep. I have been asleep for too long. She tried to protest but in seconds she was out.
I stared at her sleeping form. She was wrapped in cotton, where she should have been dressed in the finest woven metals. She was not wearing the jeweled circlet of her people. I'd never seen her hair unbound by it, free and rather short and all crazy over the pillow. Her ears had never seemed pointy before. Now I could see they were a bit smaller than ours, with a definite peak at the top. Her hand was smaller than mine. Small and very soft. The hands of a princess. And green.
I hated that I was noticing differences that had never mattered before. And I hated that it might matter now, at least on some level.
Green. On Laak'sa, it fit. The very air seemed to have a green quality to it on the tropical planet. She did not seem out of place there, we did. We were the pale pink and cocoa brown anomalies in the green world. We were the ones that saw our own differences instead of theirs. It was their home. Their land. And even more than humans, they were truly part of it.
Green skin. Paler than it should be, but definitely green toned skin. Blue hair. In the low light in the room, it almost looked black. Anyone glancing in would think it was, in fact. But I knew as soon as we were in full light, it would almost glow with the deep blue hue. Probably even more striking in the natural sunlight on Utopia, with the pulsing red of the rocks contrasting. And the bright blue gems in her chest would sparkle and shine and announce her place.
My own chest tightened. Her place in another world.
Her nose. I'd never noticed before how flat it is. Not wide, just flat. Almost as if you took my nose and smooshed it in a little. Her cheekbones are high. Her eyes are larger than ours. There's a sprinkling of darker green freckles across her nose and cheeks and her lips are almost a blue they're so deep.
I felt bad for staring. It wasn't fair to do to her, not someone so high, so important, so royal with all the things that means. Fair or not, it didn't stop me. Had she ever looked at me like this? Done this unfair assessment? How many naps had I taken in the rafts while we were out exploring for hours on end...she must have. Did she worry about me with her people then, too?
Sitting there, trying to assess how other people would see her, I suddenly became aware of just how terrified I really was. I knew how they treated me, and at least I shared biology with everyone else. What would they do to her?
I wish she'd talk about why she came. I tried, but even in her sleep she had it all locked away tight in recesses of her mind I couldn't reach. Even in her sleep, she guarded it with her very life. I reached out and moved her hair off her face. At the touch, she fluttered a little, but settled quickly. Was it her choice to come? Either it was or it wasn't. Either she chose to come, or they made her. Either they exiled her completely, or she chose to exile herself.