“There isn’t?” Nektas asked quietly.
I stilled. “I’m not her.”
“No, but she is a part of you, Sera.”
Tipping my head back, I stared at the glossy surface of the ceiling. “Yeah, well, if I do look like her, and he summons us before Nyktos gets the embers out of me, we’re screwed. Everyone is screwed.”
“Then we must make sure those embers are not vulnerable for long.”
I lowered my gaze to him.
Nektas watched me. “Why don’t you call him Ash anymore?”
The question caught me off guard. “I don’t know.”
“That’s a lie.”
“How would you know?” I demanded, crossing my arms.
Nektas came forward, his steps surprisingly quiet for someone so large. “Ash is what his father called him.”
I hadn’t known that, and I didn’t think I wanted to know that now.
“For him to introduce himself as such to you meant something,” Nektas added.
“Maybe it did before.” Sighing, I leaned against the column. “But he’s not Ash to me any longer.”
His head tilted, the vertical slits of his pupils expanding until they were almost more commonly shaped. “He is how you wish him to be,” he said. “As you are what you wish to be to those of the Shadowlands and beyond. That is up to you. No one else.”
Chapter 16
There were too many what-ifs circling through my head after Nektas left—too much restless, anxious energy burning its way through me for me to sit still.
I needed to work it off.
And I needed to silence those what-ifs, at least for a little while.
I quickly braided my hair and spent the remainder of the afternoon going through as much training as I could remember and could be done alone. I pictured an imaginary partner, which wasn’t hard. My opponent alternated between Nyktos and me—because I was annoyed with us both for different reasons—while I went through shadowboxing and footwork. I dipped and lunged, working first with just my hands and then my dagger. None of it was as good as practicing with another person, but it was better than nothing. Fighting was part muscle memory, but long periods of inactivity could be the difference between living and dying.
Plus, it helped keep my mind empty. I wasn’t thinking about the summons, Nyktos’s plan, what he could’ve sacrificed in addition to everything he’d already had to do, or the soul that belonged in me. I was a different kind of blank canvas as I stabbed and kicked at the air, but exhaustion found me quicker than it should, and I chalked it up to the missed training sessions. At least, that’s what I decided to believe, because the alternative was the Culling.
I cleaned up using the cool water from that morning. Since it was getting late, I slipped on a flimsy excuse for a nightgown and then tugged on the robe. It felt like hours, yet only minutes had passed when Orphine arrived with dinner. Afterward, I returned to the chaise, where I cracked open a book, but just like the night before, I couldn’t concentrate. Those what-ifs came back.
When would Kolis summon us? Would Nyktos attempt to hide the summons from me? And if he didn’t, what if I looked like Sotoria?
Why did I dread that when I should welcome the possibility? Welcome what Nyktos had accused me of that afternoon.
Because Nyktos had been right. It made it easier for me to do what I needed to.
Except nothing felt easier.
Because what would Nyktos do if we arrived at Kolis’s Court, and the false King recognized me as Sotoria? Would he truly allow Kolis to take me? Or would he intervene? I knew the answer, and it terrified me. If I had been able to escape, I could have made it to Kolis without Nyktos being there. Not only being endangered, but also being put in a situation where he had to choose between the Shadowlands—
And me.
How could he continue convincing Kolis of his loyalty if he attempted to stop the false King from taking me? Hell, how was Nyktos successful this entire time? I knew Nektas said it was duty, but my gods…even I couldn’t have done that.
My gaze drifted to the silver-adorned door that adjoined our bedchambers, and I thought about that kiss.
He is how you wish him to be.
“I don’t even know him,” I whispered as the embers in my chest warmed—
I yelped, jerking upright as the door suddenly swung open. The book flopped onto the floor with a heavy thump as Nyktos strode in as if he had every right to do so.
“Did you even think about knocking first?” I exclaimed.
“No.”
“You should have.” I pressed my palm to my thundering heart. “I could’ve been busy.”
“Doing what?”
“Many things,” I muttered. “Use your imagination.”
Nyktos stopped, his jaw tightening. “Not sure if using my imagination would be wise.”
“I suppose not.” I bent, picking up the book. When I glanced over at him, I saw that he’d quietly moved closer and was checking out the plates. “I ate all my dinner like a good girl, in case you were wondering.”
His cool, silver gaze flickered from the dining table to me.
“Did you need something?”
“I only need one thing at the moment. Sleep.”
“Okay.” I opened the book and pretended to read. “Thank you for sharing.”
“Arm’s reach, Sera.”
Slowly, I looked up at him. “Seriously?”
“Does it look like I’m joking?”
“Even with the lock on the balcony door? It worked just fine last night.”
“I’m sure, given enough time, you will have figured out how to pick that lock.”
“I’m sure that if I wanted to pick that lock, I would’ve already done so,” I snapped. “I’m not going to try to escape, Nyktos. What would be the point now?”
His features showed nothing, but his words…they said a lot. “You promised me you wouldn’t go after Kolis again. I want to believe that, but what I want cannot be more important than what I know. If presented with an opportunity, you will still take it. Even now. I’m not going to let that fragile trust be broken so quickly.”
My heart lurched as I stared up at him. A messy knot of emotion worked its way out from that crack. Words bubbled up. “I don’t want to.”
“I know.” His eyes lightened to a softer shade of gray, even as his chest rose with a deep breath. “Come to bed, Sera.”
I wasn’t even sure why I was fighting him on this. I liked sleeping in his bed. With him. Even when he irritated me.
That should concern me.
And it did, but all I could do was add that to the absurdly long list of things that worried me.
Rising, I went into the bathing chamber first to prepare for bed. When I cleaned my teeth and spat paste into the basin, traces of pink swirled through the foam. My gums had bled a little. My stomach tumbled as I quickly wiped at my mouth and then left the bathing chamber, following Nyktos through the dark, narrow passageway. I stopped near the bed, my mind traveling to the deal I’d offered him before Attes arrived. Gods, I’d forgotten about that.
Nyktos brushed past me. “At least you don’t have breeches and boots that need to be taken off tonight,” he said.
“I think you would prefer that once you see what’s under the robe.” Inexplicably nervous, I reached for the sash.
He turned to me, the light of the sconces glancing off the slope of his cheekbones. “Please tell me you’re not nude under there.”
Well, I supposed that indicated he had no intention of making that deal with me. “Are you worried you’ll be unable to control your body’s reaction again?”