I want to believe her—I really do—but there are too many ‘what ifs.’ Starting with, “What if I’m making a big-ass mistake by thinking he won’t hurt me again?”
“Katie.” Maggie sighs, scooting forward on the cushion. “Life is one big chance. You can either choose to sit on the sidelines and always take the safe route, or you can jump into the game. I think you need to jump into the game. Fate has fucked with you enough, and this time I think it’s working in your favor … either that, or your old man is pulling some pretty big strings from upstairs.”
My mind drifts back to the silent plea I made to my dad the day of his funeral.
“You promised you’d never leave me,” I cry, making no attempt to wipe away my tears. My throat tightens, making it hard to talk, but I need to get this out. Lowering myself, I kneel next to Daddy’s casket, which is perched just inside the ground. His name, Christopher James Devora, is etched into the nameplate. My chest hurts—physically hurts—and I rub at it, trying to ease the pain.
“I’m not sure I can do this without you.” My words break on a sob and I bury my face in my hands. “Show me the way,” I beg, my shoulders heaving. “Put me on the right path, and I promise I’ll follow it … I promise. But you have to give me a sign, Daddy,” I plead, finally gathering the strength to look up. Gently, I place my hand against the side of his casket, my fingers drifting over his name. “I need to know you’re with me.”
Devin’s name was on that pen pal list for a reason—I know it was. Would I have formed a bond or friendship with any of the other soldiers, or did fate and something entirely too big for me to understand bring Devin back to me?
Unspoken words linger heavy in the air, their meaning so powerful and intense that I’m too scared to speak them.
“Maggie, I need to go.”
“How To Save A Life” – The Fray
I CAN’T STOP SMILING. EVEN if I could stop, I don’t know that I’d want to. I left Maggie’s in a hurry to get home, hopeful that I’d have a message from Devin waiting in my inbox. Plus, I was shaken over what I’d seen on the news and admittedly rattled by the realization that maybe—just maybe—he and I were supposed to come back into each other’s lives. And who knows, maybe we’re meant to be nothing more than friends, but I needed to get home and process it … process everything. I didn’t get much time to take it all in though because the second I pulled up my Gmail account and saw his name, I had to read what he wrote—and I wasn’t disappointed.
His words put a big, goofy grin on my face. Oh, and the fact that he isn’t married and I didn’t inadvertently become an emotional mistress. That makes me smile too. A lot.
After hitting reply, I sit and watch the cursor blink steadily on the screen. I want nothing more than to lay it all on the line. I want to tell him that news of the roadside bomb scared the shit out of me, and that in that moment, I was desperate to hear from him and talk to him—that I would’ve given anything to be able to pick up the phone and call him, just to make sure he was okay. I want him to know I was worried, to know that I care.
But as my fingers continue to press against the keyboard, unmoving, my mind goes completely blank. Laughing at myself—because this Devin, and I know how to talk to Devin—I decide to do what comes easy …
To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay
From: Katie Devora
Subject: Bye Bye Bye
Devin,
The Backstreet Boys, really, Dev? Did I not make you listen to that whole damn album every day that summer? It was NSYNC, not Backstreet Boys. Come on, don’t you remember my crush on Justin Timberlake? Honestly, this is just unforgiveable!
Nice knowing you, soldier…
Sincerely,
Katie
With a smile on my face, I hit send.
Oh shit, I hit send!
Clicking on his email, I hit ‘reply’ and try again, hoping like hell he doesn’t see that email and think I was serious. Way to go, Katie.
To: Sergeant Devin U. Clay
From: Katie Devora
Subject: How to save a life
Devin,
Okay … I forgive you. Not just for mistaking NSYNC—the best boy band of the 90’s—for the Backstreet Boys, but because you’re a man and well, that was probably unfair of me to assume you could keep all those songs straight. My bad ;)
And no, I don’t jam out to “Bye Bye Bye” when I’m pissed off anymore. I gave you a little clue, in the form of the subject line, as to what my go-to song is these days. I feel like the whole song is somehow about me, only I’m the one being saved.
Now, to answer your other question, the one I looked right over. No, I’m not married and I’m not seeing anyone. I will be honest with you though. I did just recently get out of a long-term relationship.
Pursing my lips in contemplation, I remove my hands from my laptop and thread them through my hair. Do I tell Devin that it was Wyatt I was engaged to? A part of me wants to leave that little bit of information out, but somehow it feels wrong—and I’ve had enough wrong in my life to last a lifetime.
I was engaged to Wyatt. The details don’t really matter and maybe someday we’ll talk about it, but I recently broke things off and it didn’t go well. It probably makes me sound like a horrible person, but I wasn’t happy, and with everything that happened with my dad … well, life is just too short and I couldn’t drag him along any longer. I couldn’t do it to myself either. So I called off our engagement, and in case you’re wondering, which is incredibly presumptuous of me, I’m doing really well with it. That’s how I know I did the right thing.
Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with all of that. So you want to know something you don’t already know about me? There’s not much to tell, but I’ll give it a shot.
Do you remember me telling you I work with my best friend, Maggie? We met in college and became fast friends. It sounds pathetic, but I don’t have much of a life outside of work and Maggie. And everyone loves Maggie—except Wyatt. They never did get along, but she’s gorgeous and funny, and she’s one of those people that lives by her own set of rules. She does what she wants when she wants to do it, and she doesn’t give a shit what anyone else says. She is the best girlfriend I could ask for, and I know that you would absolutely love her. I can totally picture the two of you shootin’ the shit over a couple of beers next to the fire pit, and trust me when I tell you that she can dish it out just as good as she can take it. I hope that one day you get to meet her.
And you want to know my biggest fear, huh? That’s a tough one. Okay, before my father was killed, my biggest fear was death. I’m sure that answer sounds cliché, but it’s true. I can remember lying awake at night, and I’d start thinking about death and the fact that once we’re gone, we’re never coming back. No more sunsets on my favorite hill, or riding Mac in the rain. Never again would I feel the burn in my legs after running, or the ache in my chest after laughing too hard. It’s scary, thinking of all the things you’d never get to experience again. Some nights, when I would think about it too much, I’d have to get out of bed and go do something to quiet my brain.