Glancing in the bag, a glimmer of metal catches my attention and I pull the object out. A strangled moan rips from my chest at the sight of Devin’s dog tags. Gripping the chain in my hand, I reach inside one last time and pull out a picture. I choke out a watery laugh, running my thumb over the dirty photograph. Taken the last time I saw him, it’s one of my favorites.
We were in the hotel room, and it was Devin’s last night in Pittsburgh after his mother’s funeral. Devin’s gorgeous green eyes are trained on the camera. His face is split into a huge grin while I’m kissing his cheek. My chin trembles as I remember the moment. That day—that entire weekend—was pivotal for us in so many ways. Wow. Was it really only a little over a month ago? I feel like so much has happened since then.
Pushing from the floor, I shrug out of my wet jacket and hang it on the back of the door. Carefully, I place the photograph in my coat pocket, slip Devin’s dog tags over my head and make my way toward him.
“I feel so lost,” I mumble, running my fingers over the top of his hand, wanting nothing more than for him to grab my hand, pull me in close and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want him to tell me that this is just a tiny bump in the road that leads to our forever.
We were so close—so close—to the end of his deployment and starting our lives together. What if I never again get to feel his hand wrap around my neck to drag me in for a kiss or feel the warmth of his lips against mine? What if I never get to hear him laugh again or look into his eyes as I walk down the aisle? What if I never get the chance to tell him that he’s going to be a daddy?
The urge to touch him, to be close to him, to feel the warmth of his body against mine is overwhelming. My limbs grow heavy and, like a punch to the gut, everything hits me all at once. There are so many things we’ve yet to experience together, so many things left to say and do, and the thought of never getting the chance makes me feel as though someone is taking a machete to the center of my soul.
Lifting Devin’s arm, I gently sit on the bed next to his hip and very carefully, without disturbing any of the tubes or wires, curl my body against his. Resting my head softly on his chest, I let the steady thump of his heart soothe my aching soul. I use it as a reminder that he’s still here, he’s still fighting and I need to fight with him—for him.
“Hey there, soldier.” My voice cracks and a stream of tears run out of the corner of my eye, over my nose and fall from my face, only to be absorbed by the soft cotton of Devin’s hospital gown. “I’m going to need you to fight, okay? I need you to pull through this, because I can’t live this life without you.” I sniff, nuzzling my face into him. “You know what happened to me last time. I can’t go through that again. I won’t survive this time, Devin, not without you. You are everything to me. You’re the reason I wake up every morning. Just knowing that I’m going to get to talk to you or read your words gets me through the day. You own me, Dev. My heart is yours, and I gave you my soul a long time ago.”
Lifting up on my elbow, I stretch my neck, peppering kisses across his jaw. “I love you so much. I need you more than I’ve ever needed anyone. Please wake up, baby,” I cry. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. As long as you’re here, I’m here. As long as you’re fighting, I’m fighting. I’ll fight with you and for you. I’ll be your rock, and I’ll love you and talk to you and bring you back from the darkness, just like you brought me back.” Tilting my head a bit further, I touch my lips to his, hating how dry they feel—how cold they feel.
“I want to marry you,” I whisper against his mouth. “Marry me, Devin. Wake up, heal, and then marry me. Let me love you and take care of you and show you what a real family is like. And let’s have babies, okay?” My voice breaks on a sob and I pull back, wiping the wetness from my face. “Lots and lots of babies. I want sweet little boys with your big green eyes and thick dark lashes. Our little girl will have your dark hair and your smile.” I close my eyes, picturing it in my head. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling it’s a girl. “And your laugh,” I whisper, the thought causing a hint of a smile to tug at my mouth. “She’ll have your laugh. And she’s going to love you and worship you, and I know that you’re going to be the best daddy in the world.”
“Katie.”
The deep, gravelly voice startles me and my eyes pop open, instantly landing on the figure standing in the doorway. I blow out a slow breath at the sight of him.
Full lips drawn tight, red-rimmed eyes filling with tears, his face is packed full of emotion. I know that, right now, he needs me just as much as I need him.
“Navas.” Sliding off the bed, I move toward him. He meets me halfway and I walk straight into his waiting arms. “Hi,” I whisper, burying my face in his shirt. He doesn’t respond, but his hold on me tightens. His broad shoulders bounce when a cry rumbles from deep in his lungs. Linking my arms around his neck, I give him what he needs … someone to hold on to, someone to give him hope. We stand there for a long time, but I don’t let go, not until he pulls away.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, taking a step back. “That probably wasn’t the best way to introduce myself.”
“Well, you’ve seen me naked …” I shrug and give him a what-can-you-do look. A choked laugh falls from Navas’s mouth and then he shakes his head, running a hand down his face.
“Devin about fucking killed me for that. Sorry, by the way,” he says, averting his eyes. A crimson flush creeps up his neck, and I get a feeling that there isn’t much that’ll make this man blush.
“You’re forgiven.” Slipping my hand in his, I lead him toward the bed. “Now, will you please fill me in on what’s going on? The doctor won’t be in until the morning and I’m so fucking lost.” My nose burns with impending tears and I squeeze my eyes shut, listening as Navas starts to talk. I’m not sure if I take it all in, but I certainly hear the important parts.
“There was an explosion … damage to his legs … brain injury … needs a bilateral below-the-knee amputation …” I don’t hear a thing after that.
Reaching out, I yank up the blanket that’s covering Devin. His legs are wrapped up, but they’re there. Oh, thank God, I think to myself. I must’ve heard him wrong. “What was that about an amputation?” I ask, trying to clear the cobwebs. I’m still running on pure adrenaline and probably seconds away from dropping flat on my face.
“He’s going in tomorrow morning for surgery. They can’t save his legs, Katie. Trust me, they’ve tried. But right now, Devin’s only chance of survival is to have them removed.” Navas’s words are slow and precise, as though he knows I’m on the verge of losing it.
“I can’t believe this,” I say, dropping to a chair next to the bed. I look down at where Devin’s legs are tucked under the covers, and then my eyes lift to Navas.
“He’ll get through it,” he says, conviction ringing loud in his words. “Devin is a stubborn son of a bitch, and he loves you more than life itself. Trust me, he will be okay. And we’ll get each other through this so that we can strong for him, okay?” I nod feebly and Navas grips my hand in his. We watch Devin for several minutes, neither one of saying a word and one thing weighing heavily on my mind … one thing I’m desperate to tell someone.
“I’m pregnant!” I blurt.
Navas’s eyes widen, his jaw falling slack and his gaze dropping to my stomach. “You’re … pregnant?” he asks, looking at me.
My heart is lodged in the center of my throat and I can’t seem to form words, so I simply nod. The thought of not getting to share this with Devin is too much and my emotions erupt. “I need him, Navas. I can’t do this by myself … I don’t want to do this by myself.”
“Stop,” he says, cupping my face in his hand. “You need to tell Devin. The first chance you get, you need to tell him. This will give him something to fight for, something to hold on to. But you can’t talk like that again. It isn’t good for you, and it isn’t good for the baby.”