I nod again, wiping the tears from my face.
“But I want you to know that you will never do this alone. Got it? Because no matter what happens, you have me, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, choking on my words.
“Don’t thank me,” he says, his eyes softening. “He’s my brother, and that’s what brothers do.”
“Awake and Alive”—Skillet
THE FAINT SOUND OF CRYING penetrates my head. There are muffled voices around me—a man and woman—but I can’t tell what they’re saying. I want to ask, but my mouth is dry. Too dry. I fight to open my eyes, but the damn things won’t budge. Neither will my arms … or my legs.
Then another voice, this one not familiar, breaks through the air. Where am I? I try to scream. Nothing. Why can’t I move? Why do my legs burn?
“He’s moving!” The voice is low—muffled—but I can still make it out. It’s Navas, and for a moment I wonder if I’m dreaming. I try to reach out to him, but again, nothing happens.
“Devin … Devin … Come back to us, baby.” Katie? Katie is here? This doesn’t feel like a dream. It’s so very real. I try and reach out to her. Nothing. “Devin, please wake up,” she cries.
A warm hand softly strokes my cheek. I’d know that touch anywhere. The sensations are dull, but I know it’s her. I can smell her perfume. This isn’t a dream. It’s real. It has to be. But where am I?
“Devin, stop being a little bitch and open your eyes. Your girl misses you, dude. Why do you always have to be playin’ games?” Navas heckles. A fist lightly hits my shoulder. Son of a bitch that hurt!
One last time I will my eyes to open, using every ounce of strength I can muster. Light breaches the miniscule crack between my eyelids, and it’s so bright it feels like I’m staring into the sun. Instinctually, I lift an arm to shield my eyes and feel the back of my hand smack hard against my forehead. Fuck, I feel that, too.
There’s commotion in the room. Navas and Katie are encouraging me, asking me to move again, to open my eyes. I try and move my arm and again feel it slap down hard, this time to my side. I give it one last go and my eyelids fly open, the sharp, fluorescent rays now completely blinding me.
I snap them shut and then the light behind my lids dims. I sense that the fluorescent lights were switched off, allowing me to ease my eyes open again. This time I notice that the lamp has been turned on. “Is that better, brother?” Navas asks.
I nod my head stiffly toward Navas and Katie’s distorted figures, the blur brought on by the change of brightness. Katie moves in close to me, close enough that I can make out her beautiful face, and she takes me gently into her arms, kissing every inch of my face. Each stamp of her lips leaves of tingling sensation that makes me feel like I’m glowing.
“Oh God, baby, I’m so happy you’re back. I knew my soldier would pull through. I just knew it!” When she backs away, I can finally make her out completely. It looks like she hasn’t slept in days and has spent the better part of that time crying, but she is still so incredibly beautiful. The sight of her causes my heart monitor to speed up. I try to smile for her, but the muscles in my face feel weak. I open and close my jaw several times to stretch it out.
“Welcome back, bro.” Navas smiles widely and takes my hand in his. I meet his eyes and squeeze his hand back. I want to say, Dude, why the fuck are you holding my hand, but all I manage to get out is “thanks” before I break into a coughing fit.
“Don’t talk,” Katie says, disappearing from my sight. “They just took out your breathing tube, and they said your mouth would be dry and your throat sore. Let me grab you some ice chips.” The faint sound of rustling catches my attention, but when I try to turn my head toward the noise, pain lances through my temples. Fuck.
Her face pops in front of mine. “Open up.” I do as I’m told because Nurse Katie is fucking hot as hell. My lips part and she drops in a couple of chips, which instantly dissolve. She gives me a few more, and after I swallow a couple of times, I feel like I can actually talk.
“Where am I?” I ask, the words weakly falling from my lips, the chill of the ice chips against my throat numbing the pain.
“Walter Reed in DC, bro,” Navas says.
“How long have I been here?”
“Three days. You got hit a week ago though.”
Got hit? I scan my brain for what he could be talking about, but come up empty. The last thing I remember is loading up for mission to search for—
“Sergeant Adams,” I blurt as soon as the thought hits my brain, “what about Sergeant Adams?” Navas looks at Katie and then to the ground, then to me again. He opens his mouth to say something but stops himself. When he shakes his head slowly from side to side, I close my eyes and let the information sink in. “What happened to me?”
“You got hit by an RPG. Got you pretty bad.” I open my eyes back up, and I can see Navas’s eyes have left mine again and are back on the ground. He breathes out, long and slow.
I feel the heat. I smell the burnt skin. I taste the soot.
“What happened to me?” I repeat, gritting my teeth, needing to know the true state that I’m in.
Navas looks at Katie, but she just shakes her head, covering her mouth with a trembling hand as tears well up in her eyes. My body trembles, panic gripping at my throat. “Somebody needs to tell me what the fuck is going on.”
Navas looks down to my legs and my eyes follow his gaze. If it’s possible, my heart fucking stops. Adrenaline, fear, confusion … they’re all pumping rapidly through my body.
Where there should be feet, there aren’t. Almost instantly, the events play through my head like a frenetic, fucked-up slide show.
The patrol … door-to-door raids … getting called back … taking fire … My vision goes black and I squeeze my eyes shut. There’s something else, but I can’t see it. What is it? What else happened?
Katie rushes to my side, climbs into bed with me and wipes the tears from my face before wrapping me in her arms. It calms me a bit, but I need more answers.
“What are you doing back?” I ask Navas, trying to trigger the missing memory.
“I took some shrapnel from the bomb. Got me pretty good in the head. Nothing major, but they sent me here with you for some testing and to remove the shrapnel.” As he says this, I notice for the first time that he’s wearing a hospital gown. “Everything’s good though, man. They’re gonna keep me here for a few more days and then release me.”
“What about Elkins and Thomas?” I ask. Navas looks confused, and then all at once his face goes pale.
“Elkins is still in Baghdad. He’ll come back with the unit in a week or so. Thomas …” His words trail off and my heart kicks into high gear.
“What about Thomas?” I ask, feeling my voice start to turn on me, the knot in my throat getting rapidly tighter. He doesn’t respond, nor does he look at me, and for some reason Katie has tightened her grip on me. She lets a few tears run down her face, which she does her best to hide from me. “Please, Navas!”
“Thomas …” Navas breathes out and wipes a tear from his eyes. “Thomas is dead.” His eyes find mine. “He was shot, Clay. You got hurt trying to recover his … his body.” Navas points toward the bedside table and I slowly turn my head. A Silver Star sits beside a Purple Heart and Combat Infantryman Badge atop the nightstand. “They gave you that,” he says.
His words make my blood run cold. Nothing. They mean nothing.
My eyes are on the awards, but my mind isn’t. That horrible day finally comes into focus and I can see Thomas on the ground, helpless and reaching for me. Tears push the confines of my eyes before rolling down my flushed cheeks. A sharp pain stabs straight through my chest, and the pressure sends shockwaves through my body and up into my skull. I’m dizzy and beginning to feel lightheaded. My eyes flutter, and for a moment, I feel sick to my stomach.