I laughed.
‘Did I say something funny, Captain Gunther?’
‘The things the Gestapo will try and pinch you for these days.’ I nodded at the six cubicles next to us. ‘Why don’t you check that the colonel here flushed the toilet while you’re at it, Wetzel?’
There was a bottle of lime water on the shelf behind the basins. I picked it up, pulled out the cork, and splashed some on to the colonel’s hands. He rubbed them on his cheeks.
‘I’m all right now, Captain Gunther,’ he said. ‘Thank you for your assistance. It was most kind of you. I shan’t forget this. I really thought I was about to faint back there.’
Wetzel glanced behind the door of the first cubicle.
I laughed again. ‘Find anything, Wetzel? A Jew on the wing, perhaps?’
‘We have an old saying in the Gestapo, captain,’ said Wetzel. ‘A simple search is always better than suspicion.’
He stepped into the second cubicle.
‘It’s the last one,’ murmured Von Gersdorff.
I nodded.
‘The way you say that, Wetzel, it sounds homespun, almost friendly,’ I said.
‘The Gestapo is not unfriendly,’ said Wetzel. ‘So long as someone’s not an enemy of the state.’
He came out of the second cubicle and went into the third.
‘Well there are none of those in here,’ I said brightly. ‘In case you didn’t notice, the colonel was about to guide the leader around the exhibition. They don’t let just anyone do that, I expect.’
‘And how is it that you two are friends, captain?’
‘Not that it’s any of your damn business, but I’ve just got back from Army Group Centre in Smolensk,’ I said. ‘That’s where the colonel is stationed. We were on the same plane back to Berlin. Isn’t that right, colonel?’
‘Yes,’ said Von Gersdorff. ‘All of the exhibits for today’s display were collected by Army Group Centre. The enormous honour of being the leader’s guide this morning fell to me, I’m happy to say. However I think I must have picked up some sort of bacillus while I was down there. I just hope that the leader doesn’t get it.’
‘Please God he doesn’t,’ I said.
Wetzel stepped into the fourth cubicle. I saw him glance into the toilet bowl. If he did the same in the sixth and last cubicle he would surely see the two mercury sticks and we would be arrested, and that would be the end of us. It was whispered around the Alex that Georg Elser – the Munich bomber of August 1939 – had been tortured by Heinrich Himmler, in person, following his unsuccessful attempt to assassinate the leader; the rumour was that Himmler had almost kicked the man to death. It was anyone’s guess what had happened to him since then, but the same rumour said he had been starved to death in Sachsenhausen. About assassins the Nazis were never anything less than vengeful and vindictive.
‘Is that why he left so abruptly, do you think?’ I asked. ‘Because he could see that you were ill and didn’t want to catch it himself?’
‘Perhaps.’ Von Gersdorff closed his eyes and nodded, catching on at last. ‘I think it might have been, yes.’
‘I can’t say I blame him,’ I said. ‘There was typhoid around Smolensk when we left. In Vitebsk, wasn’t it? Where all those Jews died?’
‘That’s what I told the leader,’ said Von Gersdorff. ‘When he visited our headquarters in Smolensk last weekend.’
‘Typhoid?’ Wetzel frowned.
‘I don’t think I have typhoid,’ said Von Gersdorff. ‘At least, I hope not.’ He clutched his stomach. ‘However. I do feel rather ill again. If you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I’m afraid I am going to throw up once more.’
The colonel moved away from me and presented himself immediately in front of the Gestapo captain, who recoiled noticeably as, for a brief moment, Von Gersdorff placed a hand on his shoulder before launching himself into the last cubicle. He closed and then locked the door hurriedly behind him. There was a short pause and then we heard the sound of him retching loudly. I had to hand it to the colonel. He was a hell of an actor. By now I was almost convinced myself that he was ill.
Wetzel and I faced each other with obvious dislike.
‘There’s nothing personal in this. The fact I don’t like you, Captain Gunther, has nothing to do with what I’m doing here.’
‘Make sure you flush that machine pistol, colonel,’ I said loudly, through the door. ‘And while you’re at it, those two bombs in your pockets.’
‘I’m just doing my job, captain,’ said Wetzel. ‘That’s all. I’m just trying to make sure that everything is in order.’
‘Sure you are,’ I said, pleasantly. ‘But in case you didn’t notice, the cat’s already been swept down river. I don’t doubt the leader would be most impressed with your efforts to ensure his safety, Captain Wetzel, but he’s gone – back to the Reich chancellery and a nice lunch, I’ll be bound.’
Von Gersdorff retched again.
I went over to the basin and started to wash my hands furiously.
‘I forget,’ I said. ‘Is typhoid caught in the air or do you have to eat something that’s been contaminated?’
For a moment Captain Wetzel hesitated. Then he quickly washed his hands. I handed him the towel. Wetzel started to dry his hands, remembered that I’d used the towel to purportedly wipe the vomit off the colonel’s tunic, and dropped it abruptly on the floor; then he turned and left.
I let out a breath, leaned against the wall, and lit a cigarette.
‘He’s gone,’ I announced. ‘You can come out now.’ I took a deep drag of smoke and shook my head. ‘I’m impressed with the way you kept up with all that puking. It sounded very convincing. I think you’d have made quite an actor, colonel.’
The cubicle door opened slowly to reveal a very pale-looking Von Gersdorff.
‘I’m afraid it wasn’t an act,’ he said. ‘What with the bombs and that fucking Gestapo captain, my nerves are shot to pieces.’
‘Perfectly understandable,’ I said. ‘It’s not every day that you try to blow yourself up. That sort of thing takes guts.’
‘It’s not every day you fail, either,’ he said bitterly. ‘Another ten minutes and Adolf Hitler would have been dead.’
I gave him a cigarette and lit it with the butt of my own.
‘Got any family?’
‘A daughter.’
‘Then don’t be so hard on yourself. Think of her. We might still have Hitler, but she still has you, and that’s what’s important right now.’
‘Thank you.’ For a moment Von Gersdorff’s eyes filled up; then he nodded and wiped them quickly with the back of his hand. ‘I wonder why he did leave so abruptly.’
‘You ask me? The man isn’t human at all. Either that or he got a sniff of that cologne you were wearing before I splashed that lime water on your hands. It was horrible.’
Von Gersdorff smiled.
‘You know what?’ I said. ‘I think we need that drink after all. You mentioned a club? Around the corner?’
‘I thought you wanted to keep fools like me at arm’s length.’
‘That was before that stupid captain opened his mouth and told you my name,’ I said. ‘And what better company for one fool than another?’
‘Is that what we are? Fools?’
‘Certainly. But at least we know we’re fools. And in today’s Germany that counts as a kind of wisdom.’
We went to the German Club – formerly the Herrenclub – at number two Jäger Strasse, which was a red sandstone neo-baroque hatchery for anyone with a von in his name, and the kind of place where you felt improperly dressed without a red stripe on your trouser leg and a Knight’s Cross around your neck. I’d been there once before, but only because I’d mistaken the place for Nero’s golden palace and they’d mistaken me for the mailman. Naturally women were not allowed. It was bad enough for the members to see the witchcraft badge on my tunic in there; if they had seen a female in that place someone would probably have fetched a red-hot stool.