“What shall we do? Should we take him to court? We tried that before, and it didn’t work. Next, the eleventh and then twelfth accountant will steal also. You can’t take all of them to court. Should we beat him up? He will be offended. Should we sack him, and hire a new one? But the new one will steal as well. That’s not the way out. What shall we do?” Our faces were pale.
The red-faced director was looking straight into Ivan Petrovich’s eyes, leaning over the yellow counter. We all suffered, trying to think what to do with him. He was sitting in his chair, with his back straight, making calculations. We were quiet for a ling time.
“Where have you spent the money?” the director finally asked him in a trembling voice, with tears in his eyes.
“I have some personal needs, your honor.”
“Ha! Very good! You have some needs, ha! Shut up! I am going to punish you!” The director paced the room and then continued, “What shall we do? How will we stop ourselves from repeating this mistake? Gentlemen, silence, please! What shall we do?” The director thought for a while and decided,
“We can’t beat him up! Ivan Petrovich, listen, we will put the money back ourselves, and we won’t make a fuss. The hell with you! But tell us all, tell us everything plainly. Do you like women?”
Ivan Petrovich responded with a confused smile.
“Yes, I see,” said the director. “I understand. Everyone needs love, as some philosopher said. I see. Look, if you like women, then listen to me. I will give you a letter of introduction to someone. She is a wonderful woman. And I will pay for your expenses. Do you want another one? I will give you a letter of introduction to another one. A third one? I will give you a third letter as well! All three women are nice, well-grown, and attractive. Do you like wine?”
“There are different wines, your honor. For example, Lisbon Port: I cannot stand its taste. Everything has its purpose in this world, as the saying goes.”
“Don’t talk so much. I will send you a dozen bottles of champagne regularly, every single week. Listen, you will have all this, but please, do not embezzle our money. I am not ordering, but imploring you! Do you like the theater?”
And so on, and so on. In the end we decided that we would triple his salary and would provide him with a season ticket to the theater, a couple of good horses, and a brief vacation out of town every week, all at company expense. We also agreed to pay for his tailor, his cigars, his photographs, his flowers to be sent to actresses, his furniture, and his lodging. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as he did not embezzle. He must not steal!
The result? A year has gone by. Ivan Petrovich is still sitting in his chair, working at his desk. And we are delighted; we could not find a better man for the job! Everything is open, honest, and wonderful. He does not steal. Every week though, we review all our transactions, and we find a hundred or so rubles missing.
But there isn’t serious theft, it’s nothing. And besides, he said he had his accountant’s instinct still alive, so we have to make sacrifices. Let him take a little money, at least he will not dip into the thousands!
Now, our company is flourishing, and our cash desk is filled with money all the time. We pay an awful lot for our accountant, but he is only a tenth as expensive as his nine predecessors were. I guarantee you, there is hardly any other bank, company, or mutual fund that spends so little on its accountant. We are the leaders; therefore, all you managers, you are all making a big mistake if you aren’t following our example.
AN EXPENSIVE DOG
Sergeant Oaks, an elderly officer, and his friend, the post office worker Mr. Knapps, were sharing a bottle of wine in the Oaks house.
“A great dog!” said Mr. Oaks, showing his dog Darling to Mr. Knapps. “A wonderful dog! Just look closely at its face!! A dog with a face like this costs a lot. A true dog lover would pay at least two thousand rubles for this face. Don’t you think so? Don’t you believe me? Then, you don’t understand anything about dogs.”
“Well, I only know a little about dogs.”
“Just look here; this is a setter, a British purebred. It can smell game from a great distance. Do you know that I paid one thousand rubles for a puppy? What a great dog! Darling! Look at me, Darling, come to me, my little doggy!”
Mr. Oaks brought his Darling doggy closer and kissed her between her ears. Tears of admiration appeared in his eyes.
“I will never give you away, my special dog! I know you love me, Darling, don’t you? Hey, get away; you put your dirty paws on my uniform jacket. Now, Mr. Knapps, listen, I paid fifteen hundred rubles for a puppy. It was worth it! But it’s a pity that I don’t have time for hunting. This dog’s instincts are wasted without hunting practice, and its rare talent is slowly being lost. So, I would like to sell it. Buy this dog, Knapps, you will be grateful to me forever…. If you don’t have enough money, I’ll cut the price. Take it for five hundred, and rob me as you do it.”
“No, my dear friend.” Mr. Knapps sighed. “If your Darling were male, maybe then I would have bought it.”
“Darling is not a male?” The sergeant looked puzzled. “Knapps, you are joking! Darling is not male? Humph! Why do you think he is a female? Look at him! Ha-ha! My understanding is that you cannot see the difference between a male and a female.”
Knapps looked offended, “Surely, this is a female. You talk to me as if I were a blind man or a little baby.”
“And maybe you are going to tell me that I am a woman, too? My dear Mr. Knapps! And you have graduated from a technical school! No, my dear, this is a real purebred male dog! Even more—he will give ten points ahead to any other male. And you say that he is not a male dog! Ha-ha-ha.”
“Excuse me, Michael, my friend, but do you take me for a complete idiot?”
“All right, if you don’t want it, you do not have to buy it. I can’t make you. Maybe soon you are going to tell me that this is not a tail but a leg! I was just trying to do you a favor. Hey, Vakromev, bring us some more brandy.”
The butler brought another bottle of brandy. Both friends poured a glass each. They were lost in their own thoughts. Half an hour passed in silence.
“Even if this is a female,” the sergeant interrupted the silence, looking gloomily at the bottle of brandy, “it is even better for you. She will give you puppies, and every puppy could be sold at least for two hundred fifty rubles each. Everyone would come to you to buy her puppies. I don’t know why you don’t like females! They are a thousand times better than males. Females are more grateful and more attached. If you are so afraid of females, all right, take it for two-fifty.”
“No, my friend, I won’t give you a single penny. First of all, I do not need the dog, and second, I do not have money at the moment.”
“You should have told me about this earlier. Hey, Darling, get out of here. Vakromev, bring us something to eat!”
The butler served scrambled eggs. Both friends started eating, and cleared their plates in silence.
“You are a great guy. You’re an honest, straightforward man,” said Mr. Oaks, as he was wiping his lips. “But I don’t see why you should be going away empty-handed. You know what? Take this dog for free!”
“Where can I keep it?” Knapps asked, sighing. “Who will take care of it?”
“All right, all right. If you don’t want it, then you don’t need it. What the hell? Where are you going? Sit down, everything is fine. Sit down.” Knapps stood up and stretched.
“It is time for me to go,” Knapps said after a deep yawn.
“Wait a second! I will see you off,” said Mr. Oaks.
Mr. Knapps and Mr. Oaks got their coats on and went out into the street. They walked the first hundred steps in silence.