A Rage for Revenge

"How do you know that?"

"Because that's the way they treat everybody." He laughed. "But you took it personally, didn't you?"

I laughed right back. "Doesn't everybody?" Two could play at this game of enlightenment.

Jason clapped me on the shoulder. "Look; you're our guest, Jim, like it or not. Let's make it easy for all of us. Here's the deal. You stay with us for a while; see what we're up to here. I promise you, no one will hurt you or force you to do anything you don't want to. We'll treat you as lovingly as we know how."

"But I can't leave."

Jason looked sad. "Under other circumstances I'd let you go in a minute, if I could. If I thought you really wanted to. And if I thought I could trust you not to betray us. But we can't move for a while, and we both know that you'd be back here with choppers and flame-throwers so fast, it'd just prove everything I've been saying about the army mind being committed totally to survival. But I have an equal responsibility to the survival of this Tribe. So, we really can't let you go right now; not until we're ready to move to our next location. When we do, you can choose if you want to stay with us, or go back to that old mind-set."

"How long?" I asked.

Jason considered it. "Two, maybe three months. That should give you more than enough time to discover for yourself what we're really up to here."

I thought about it. I frowned.

"Annoying, isn't it?" Jason asked. "You're trying to see me as a villain, and I keep refusing to cooperate, right?"

"Do you read minds too?" I snapped, but it was hard to stay angry at Jason.

"After a fashion. Besides, yours isn't that hard to read." He grinned; he made it sound like a joke between friends.

"I want to know about the worms," I said, finally.

"I know," he said. "I've seen how you watch them." He looked off into the distance for a moment, then looked back to me again. "Jim, I invite you to test me. I invite you to test yourself. I invite you to use this place to find out what you're up to. This is about our humanity, Jim. Yours, mine-all of ours."

"Then why the Chtorrans?"

"The Chtorrans are part of it."

"I don't see that."

"I know you don't. That's all right. Here's all you need to know right now. There's an incredible amount of love available to you. All you have to do is let it in. If you let in the love, you can let in all the other answers too." He studied my face with interest and compassion and dedication. He was totally with me.

His hands were still on my shoulders. I allowed myself to reach up-and put my hands on his and look back in his eyes. We looked at each other for so long that time stopped. We just stood there, being with each other. I felt myself disappearing. I felt myself dissolving into him. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to trust this man. I had this sudden sense that he really did love me. I wanted to let go of myself and let the rush come.

And it did. It started as a tickling sensation in my groin, that swept up my spine like fire, growing and exploding out my eyes in tears.

He took me into his arms and held me and let me cry.

And when I was finished crying, he dried my tears with his handkerchief, and he smiled at me and kissed me. He said, "I know the truth about you, Jim. It's the same truth for all of us. All you really want is to contribute. All you really want is to love and be loved in return. So, I want you to know that I love you. All of us here love you. Test us. See that it's so. Because we know that underneath all that other stuff, you want to love us too."

I nodded. He was right. All I really wanted was to be a part of the right family. I gulped and thanked him-then impulsively, I grabbed him and hugged him. Hard.

"Thanks," he said.

I went back to my room confused. I felt wonderful. I felt terrified. My thoughts didn't make sense. I was going crazy here. I wanted to know what was happening to me. I loved Jason and I hated him for making me love him.

The Chtorrans were my enemy. Weren't they?

Outside, Falstaff burped and rumbled. Weren't they?!

A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie.
(Yes, this is that kind of story.)
She did it with Joe
and Larry and Moe
and Curly and Howard and Morrie.

And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry
and Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry
and Donald and Harold
and Ronald and Gerald
and Tommy and Dicky and Harry.

And . . . Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd
and Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod
and Brucie and Mark
and Bobby and Clark
and she still isn't finished! My God!

And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken
and Dewey and Louie, then David again,
and Willy and Ben
and David again
and again and again and again.

And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred
and Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned
and Harvey and Len
(then David again)
and-hold on just a second, she's dead!

14 The Circle

"If 'Thou art God,' then praising the Lord is an act of conceit. And praying is just talking to yourself."

-SOLOMON SHORT

I went to the circle that night.

And every night after that.

We did three things in circle.

First, there was Definitions.

Jason said that we didn't use our language as much as we were used by it. "Your language channels your thinking. The way you use language demonstrates how your mind works. A skilled observer will be able to make such pertinent observations about you that you'll suspect he's reading your mind-and in a way, he is. He's reading the way your mind is expressing itself." Jason then said that the way to break out of the trap was to learn how to communicate beyond language; but unfortunately, because that was impossible for most of us (so far), we'd have to do it the hard way. We'd have to learn how to make our language serve us.

That is, we'd have to start learning how to use our language with precision. "Learn the precise concepts that the words represent. Learn the true definitions of the words, and language will be transformed. So will your communications. And so will your thought processes."

So the first part of the awakening was definitions. We'd spend hours, sometimes whole evenings, discussing what various words really meant, what was behind them, underneath them, inside them. What were we trying to say-and what were we saying instead? Amazingly, most of the discussions were a lot of fun, although one or two, particularly the discussions of want and need and love, were very uncomfortable.

And once, we spent a week just talking about integrity. "Integrity is total," Jason said. "You can't have a hole anywhere in your integrity or you don't have any integrity at all. It doesn't matter how good the rest of the balloon is, the air still goes out the hole."

The second thing we did was Exercises.

There were all kinds of different exercises. Sometimes we sat in a big circle and closed our eyes and Jason would tell us to imagine things; or think about things; or not think about anything at all, just notice how we were reacting to what was happening. That was the point of the exercises-for us to become conscious of our reactions to phenomena. What memories or emotions came floating up to the surface? "Don't try to figure out what it means," Jason would say. "It doesn't mean anything. Just notice that's how you react. That's the memory you came up with. Notice the emotions you have connected to that memory."