“Okay,” he said after a minute.
“Not a problem. Maybe we can hang out this week.”
“Maybe,” I said lightly.
The two of us stood up and exited the place, surrounding ourselves with the cool night. I turned my head up to the stars and silently wished that things could get better.
“Do you want to do something this weekend… After your test?”
I clamped my lips shut tight, not wanting to say yes but feeling too bad to say no. Turner wasn’t a horrible guy. It was just that the more I hung out with him, the less I felt for him. We were good as friends and that was all I could do… But how could I tell him that? And what happened at his place didn't make things any better. It was a huge mistake on my part. The way it ended made it hard for me to see myself with Turner, ever.
“Turner I-”
Turner stopped and I nearly crashed into him.
“Let me guess. You think we’re great as friends but nothing else, right? You don’t feel for me what I feel for you, right?”
Too shocked to say anything, I only nodded.
“I’m sorry,’ I murmured.
“Don’t be. It’s not something I haven’t heard before… Especially after girls meet Nash.”
Turner didn’t sound angry, nor did he sound resentful. Turner just sounded… Sad. I wanted to grab his hand and tell him that it wasn’t Nash… That this had nothing to do with him. Nash wasn’t involved in my decision at all. I knew, though, that even if I did tell him that, Turner wouldn’t believe me.
“It’s fine, Lily. I get it.”
“Do you?” I asked. “Do you get it Turner?”
“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I understand. I’m just not boyfriend material. There’s no spark, right? There’s nothing there… Or at least you don’t feel it.”
I didn’t want to ask if he felt it. I knew what the answer would be.
“I’m sorry.”
“Let’s get back to the dorm.”
Turner made a sharp left and I couldn’t do anything else but follow him.
I let myself into the dorm using my key and immediately dropped my bag onto the floor. Sabrina, who was surprisingly in the dorm studying, looked up when I walked in. She closed the thick text book, marking her page with a highlighter, and turned to me.
“Rough night?” she asked and I nodded, too exhausted to answer.
I shimmied out of my clothes and exchanged it for a baggy t-shirt and a pair of flannel pants.
“I’m assuming the date didn’t go well?”
“You would be assuming correctly,” I told her.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It started out fine,”
“But then it just fell to pieces. He’s not for me.”
I laid out to Sabrina the whole date if you want to call it that. I started with the night before. Then from the time we left the dorm room earlier and bumped into Nash, right up until I walked into the room. She nodded and murmured as I spoke but I wasn’t sure if she was truly listening to me. She probably didn’t understand my fear of being held down by someone. She probably would enjoy it the way she talked.
“Sorry for bogging you down with this crap. I just needed to talk to someone. I really thought that everything was going well. Turner… Well he seemed like a great guy, a hell of a lot better than Nash. But after last night and today… I don’t even want to hang out with him, honestly.”
“I totally get it,” Sabrina told me. “And Turner is a nice guy. But if I’m going to be honest with you, Lily, he’s kind of dull.”
Dull? Now all of a sudden Turner was dull?
“I wasn’t going to say anything before because you seemed really into him.”
Really? She obviously didn’t understand what I was talking about.
“Whatever.”
I plopped down onto my bed and pulled a blanket over me.
Curling on to my one side, I turned off my lamp and stared, bleary-eyed at the wall. My body was tired and my eyes drooped but my mind would not stop thinking about the day, or about Turner and Nash.
Although I wasn’t going to admit it, Sabrina hit it right on the nose. I liked Nash, as much as I didn’t want to. Probably more than I should and I knew it. But there was something about him; something about the way he talked to me, that drove me to him. Up until our fight, he was the person I talked to if I needed anything, even more than Sabrina.
Nash had the air of confidence and security that I wanted coupled with the sense of adventure I craved. Compared to Nash, Turner was bland.
And he reminded me of my dark past.
But it didn’t matter.
I didn’t like Turner and Nash didn’t like me. He made that perfectly clear the other day and was obviously pissed when he saw Turner and I together. I was right back to where I started; alone. What was I going to do about it?
With that thought in my mind, I finally closed my eyes and willed my body to sleep.
A few weeks later at around three o’clock in the morning, I heard a pebble hit the thin window of my dorm room. Before I opened my eyes, I heard the second and then the third pebbles. Soon the pebbles weren’t coming one by one but instead in packs, sounding like hail. If it kept going I knew that it would wake Sabrina up and then all hell would break loose.
Stumbling up from my bed, I shuffled to the window and looked down.
Though the shadows were thick, I could make out Nash’s profile in the soft light of the flashlight he was holding. He looked serious as he motioned me downstairs.
Jesus.
I hadn’t seen or talked to him for a while, but at three in morning he’s bothering me?
The pebbles didn’t stop. I finally grabbed my robe and as I left the dorm room I couldn’t help but wonder how Nash managed to stay under my window without getting caught. Security patrolled the dorms at night and yet they didn’t catch him.
Frowning, I pulled the robe closer to my body and went down the stairs and outside. My feet were cold even in the slippers that covered them and the crisp air slithered under my robe, sending shivers through my body.
“Hey there,” Nash whispered as I got closer to him. “Did I wake you?”
His cocky grin proved that he knew he woke me.
“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get back to bed. I have a test tomorrow.”
Nash frowned and dug his hands in his pockets.
“I wanted to talk,” he mumbled and I rolled my eyes.
“Why? Why do you want to talk? I don’t think we have much, if anything, to talk about... You made yourself very clear last time we talked.”
And by kissing that girl…
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Lily… I came here to apologize. I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. I was…. Well, freaked out, majorly.”
“You think?” I hissed. “I think you did more than freak out.”
Nash nodded.
“I didn’t mean any of it. I should have never said what I said. I… I just fucking miss you okay?”
Miss me? He missed me?
“Y-You miss me?” I stuttered.
He nodded.
“Yeah, I miss you. I miss you a lot actually. I miss hanging out with you and seeing you. I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on with you.”
“Why do you care? Last time I checked, you thought I was clingy and needy.”
“I didn’t mean that shit. You make me laugh and think about things that I used to never think about. You don’t fall at my feet like all of these girls; you challenge me and push against me every chance you get.”
I found myself smiling anyway.
What the hell? How can he have this effect on me?
I should have turned him away. I should have told him that I never wanted to speak to him again but the words just wouldn’t come.