Elizabeth gasped and Sabrina bit her lower lip. I had a feeling that the two knew what I was going to say before I even said it.
“Oh no,” Elizabeth sighed. “You didn’t go, did you?”
I nodded.
“I did go,” I said, regret filling my words. “And I wish I hadn’t. When we got to the cabin he opened the door for me and led me inside. I thought it was chivalrous and charming. I loved it. But the moment that door closed he grabbed me and started kissing me on the lips. I kissed him back because I liked the attention but then he started to try and take my shirt off and I told him no. He didn't listen though. He pulled and tugged at my shirt while I tried to stop him but he was too strong. He was able to get me completely naked and he raped me. At the end he held my arms down with his legs and came all over me. I screamed and cried but I'm sure no one ever heard me because we were in a place that was secluded.”
I stood up and walked around, not able to sit there and watch my friends’ faces change from happy to horror. This was the whole story behind why I was so scared to go in Nash's house with him. I was afraid to be alone with guys ever since that moment. Then I was finally able to break out of my shell once I started college, but it was still difficult.
When Turner held me down and came all over my chest it brought back memories that I didn't want to relive. I would never be able to look at Turner the same again and it wasn't even his fault. It was just that my past had so much pain in it and one stupid sexual incident with him caused it to all come back.
“Go on,” Sabrina urged.
“Once it was over he told me he would give me a ride back into town as long as I didn't tell anybody about what happened. He said if I ever tried people wouldn’t believe me anyways. And that's what I thought would happen so I never told anybody about it. I lost all my friends because I was in constant pain and could not handle being around anybody. I would just hide in my room and study.”
Chapter Fourteen
“Oh my God. You should've told somebody. You are a victim and you shouldn't have had to take that. No one should!”
“I know that now. I was so young at the time I was scared. I wish all young girls that get in my situation go to the authorities right away. Nobody should be doing that to anybody.”
“Does Nash know any of this?” Sabrina asked finally.
I shook my head.
“No, of course not. How could I tell him something like this? He wouldn’t look at me the same way. No one ever does when they find out this stuff. That’s why I tend to keep everything a secret. I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want people look at me with pity. I just want to be normal.”
“You are normal,” Elizabeth said. “This… Whatever happened to you, doesn’t affect whether or not you’re normal. You’re a victim Lily. You didn’t ask for this. Whoever thinks that somehow you allowed this is stupid.”
I was relieved that neither of the girls turned away from me. I wouldn’t know how to handle it if they did. They were the closest friends I had here and I didn’t want to ruin that.
“But you should talk to Nash,” Sabrina said. “Maybe not tell him the whole story but tell him something. Don’t keep shutting him out because you’re scared. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”
“How do you know?”
I looked at Sabrina, convinced she wasn’t paying attention. Her head was down and she was fiddling with her phone.
“Sabrina?”
“I know that Nash has some type of reputation as a heartbreaker but trust me, he’s not as horrible as people make him out to be,” she said, finally looking back up at me. “Deep down, he cares more about people than they realize.”
“How do you know all of this about Nash and Turner?” I questioned.
Sabrina seemed to know Nash and Turner better than she let on.
But why?
How?
“I… It’s not important,” Sabrina said, brushing off my question. “I just know them, both of them.”
The more she evaded the question, the more I was itching to know.
“Tell me,” I pushed. “You seem to know them a lot more than just meeting them a year ago. Come on, I won’t tell either of them what you said.”
“It doesn’t matter how,” Sabrina said, her eyes narrowing. “Stop pushing it, Lily, okay? Just drop it.”
I opened my mouth to argue but I knew it would be no use. Sabrina wasn’t going to tell me at all. Whatever secret she was keeping I knew she would take it to her grave.
Maybe I could ask Turner… Turner had to know the answer that I was so desperately seeking.
“Okay, I’ll stop,” I said and Sabrina looked at me with surprise.
I figured she was waiting for more arguing, more complaining on my part. I was just going to have to get the answers from another source.
“So are you going to talk to Nash?” Elizabeth asked.
“No.”
The light mood vanished and I was back to facing my own dilemma.
“I can’t. I don’t know what to say.”
There was a knock on the door and I frowned. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t think Sabrina was either.
“Well you better think of something quick because there’s your knight in not-so-shining armor.”
I looked at my roommate, panicking.
“What did you do?” I whispered as there was another knock on the door. “I told you that I didn’t want to speak to him! Now what the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Look, I know you don’t want to speak to him. But I also know that you like him a lot and you’re just scared. You don’t want to get hurt and I get that but you can’t run from this forever.”
After the third knock on the door Sabrina sat up straight.
“Come in,” Sabrina called and the door swung open.
My hands were clammy and all of a sudden my throat was dry. I tried to ignore the gnawing in my stomach as I stared at him. Sabrina stood up and took Elizabeth by the hand.
“Come on Lizzie, we have to go get some nail polish and stuff.”
She gave me a meaningful look.
“See you two later.”
Sabrina and Elizabeth disappeared into the hallway and closed the door behind them, trapping me in the small space with Nash.
What was I going to do? What was I going to say? He was staring at me. I had to say something.
“Hey there,” Nash said. His voice was soft and tentative.
“Sabrina said you wanted to talk.”
“I guess,” I bit out and then hung my head. “I do want to talk… I just don’t know what to say. Or how to say it?”
“Say what?”
“I don’t know, that’s the problem,” I wailed, throwing up my hands.
Nash took a slow step towards me and reached out his hand until it clasped mine.
“Why are you here? I told you that I needed you to leave me alone. I can’t be around you, not right now and maybe not ever. You… You make me feel too much.”
“Why is feeling a bad thing?” Nash asked.
“Because you make me feel vulnerable. Like there is a chance that I can be a normal girl.”
“But you are normal.”
“And what if I’m not? What if you know nothing about me and you only think you do? What if there’s this whole other side of me… A dark side… That I’m hiding?”
“I know all that I have to know about you,” Nash said. “I know that you’re beautiful, smart, witty, and tough. I know that you’ll be the one who keeps me in line and yet keeps letting me know how much she loves me. I know that, even if you put up a tough front, all you want to do is be loved. This is all I need to know about. The supposed dark side, the stuff you don’t want to tell me, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about your past, whatever it may be. You’re here, today, right now, that’s the only person I need. It’s the only person I want.”