“Right,” I said.
“Well, welcome to your dream.”
Nash climbed out of the car and I followed suit. He grabbed my hand and guided me through some trees before coming to an opening. The wind tickled my face, throwing my hair away from my neck. In front of me was nothing but land and ocean. The waves crashed onto land in a rolling motion as the sun rose higher. The beach was deserted, not even a seagull in sight. I slipped off my shoes, followed by my socks, and took a tentative step forward.
The sand was cold but felt like little balls underneath my feet. My feet sunk in and the sand trickled over my toes, rubbing up against each toe. I took another step forward, gasping at the new feeling. It didn’t matter that my hair was blowing in my face or that my feet were becoming numb from the cold.
“Want to go in the ocean?”
I never felt the ocean water against my feet and the thought of moving forward both exhilarated me and scared me. I nodded and reached for Nash but he took a step back.
“Aren’t you coming?” I asked and he shook his head again.
“It’s your dream...”
“But you’re part of it Nash.”
Nash was my whole dream, every single inch of it. The flitting thought grabbed my heart and squeezed.
I loved him.
I was in love with Nash.
Absolutely, one hundred percent in love with him.
I didn’t see it before because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn’t want to give my heart out.
“Come with me,” I urged. “Please?”
“But Lily-”
“I want you to come with me. I want to experience this with you.”
Nash hesitated but finally joined me. Together, hand in hand, we walked down the sand and to the edge of the surf. I waited as the wave broke and water hit my feet. I jumped back but the water got me again. It was like no matter how far away I got from the surf, the water always found my feet. It was…
Amazing.
“Lily?”
“I love you Nash,” I blurted out. “I love you. I’m in love with you.”
I turned to Nash and saw that he was as white as the sand I was standing on.
“Nash?”
“We should go, Lily,” he said. “I don’t want you to be late for class.”
We had just got there and now we were already leaving. He turned on his heel and started back to the car, not even looking back to make sure that I was following him. Confused and defeated, I hung my head and started back behind him. What did I say that was so wrong? Was telling Nash that I loved him the wrong thing to do? Impulsive, sure. I would admit that. But shock ran over me when he didn’t say it back. Maybe he didn’t love me. Maybe…Maybe this was just a fling for him.
When I got to the car and finally climbed in, Nash had his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. I looked at him but he didn’t look back. Instead he started the car and we started back to my dorm which told me I did do something wrong since we came from his place.
I really screwed up.
The air in the car was thick with tension. Nash’s hands were so tight on the wheels that his knuckles were white.
“Nash?”
“What’s up Lily? Did you like the beach?”
“Y-Yeah, I… I thought it was great.”
“Well, I wanted you to be able to see it.”
He smiled at me but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Was he going to mention what I blurted out or was he going to pretend like it didn’t happen? I couldn’t take back the words and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to. I did love Nash. We had things in common.
But it wasn’t going to mean anything if he didn’t love me back.
“You don’t love me, do you?” I whispered.
Nash slid his eyes over to me for a second.
“What?”
“Love me, Nash, I told you that I loved you back at the beach. I told you that I was in love with you. But you didn’t say anything. It’s because you don’t love me, do you?”
“I didn’t say that, Lily.”
“But you didn’t say you loved me back. That kind of explains everything, don’t you think?”
Nash didn’t say another word. He pulled in front of my dorm building and kept his head straight as he stopped the car. It was my cue to leave but I hesitated hoping that Nash would say one last thing. He didn’t. Blinking back tears, I climbed out of the car and walked toward the building. By the time I turned back Nash and his car was gone.
Tears brimmed in my eyes and I knew I couldn’t go back inside the way I looked. So, tightening my jacket around me, I turned the opposite away Nash went and started to walk, hoping the cold air would clear my mind and relax my taut nerves.
When I got back to the dorm room, Sabrina was there reading a book. Elizabeth was next to her, using Sabrina’s laptop. I slammed the door and plopped down on the bed. Sabrina looked up.
“I’m sorry, Lily. I should have never said anything about Nash. Or I should have at least explained that it was nothing. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”
“It’s okay… I overreacted anyway.”
“I would have done the same thing.”
Thankfully someone would have.
The next few days it was sunny out, the air was still cold and I pulled the blanket over me, curling myself up underneath it. I wasn’t tired but I was drained. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not come out until next spring when the school year was over and I could go back home.
I still hadn’t heard from Nash. Opening my stupid mouth was such a bad idea. I should have kept it in and let Nash say it first. Maybe I made him feel trapped in a corner. I desperately wanted to text Nash and apologize for what I said. I wanted to take it back and pretend it didn’t happen. But even if I apologized I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. The words were already out there; I couldn’t take them back. I would just have to wait and see what would happen. I hoped that I didn’t screw everything up for good. But I had a feeling that I did.
Chapter Seventeen
I love you. Those three words were the worst three words that left my mouth. They ruined the one good thing that was happening and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, but it stayed silent. I hadn’t heard from Nash since the incident and I was unravelling at the seams.
My history text book was opened up in front of me, the pages parted to the American Revolution, but the words were blurring in front of my eyes. What time was it, three in the morning? Four? Sabrina was snoring softly across the room and I didn’t bother to look at the clock. It wasn’t going to change anything.
Waiting for Nash to call had made me an insomniac for the past few days. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. All I could think about was him and the look of pure horror after I let the words slip.
Slipping off my bed, I left the dormitory and went outside to the dark night. Crickets chirped and somewhere in the tree an owl hooted. Impulsively, I opened the phone and dialed Nash’s number. It didn’t matter how late it was. It was a Friday night; there was no way Nash was asleep. He had a gig that I was supposed to go to before he stopped talking to me, and it wasn’t ending until after midnight. By now he was probably just getting back to his house.
The phone rang once, twice, and on the third ring he finally picked up. I could hear a crowd in the background.
“Hello?” he said into the phone.
His voice was loud and I winced at the volume.
“Hey Nash,” I said.
I didn’t speak as loudly as he did because I didn’t want my voice to carry through the dead of night. I didn’t need campus security to hear me and come investigate what was going on.