It was an old plastic disposable. Nothing special about it, but it belonged to him and that made it invaluable. It hurt when he had left us behind. It hurt that I had to endure Phil because of him. All of the pain needed an outlet, and as I dragged the old blade across the inside of my arm, I released it all. All of my anger and sadness slipped out in long, red streaks, dripping onto the wooden floor below.
Part of me was ashamed of what I was doing, and part of me was crying out for someone else to see the hurt that I kept buried inside.
I wanted to pull away from him, embarrassed, but E wasn’t looking at me with pity. He wasn’t judging me, but he was also not ignoring it the way Derek always did. Suddenly I felt that we were right back in our tour bus, just talking and swapping life stories, and it was comforting.
“I won’t say anything.”
My gaze dropped to E’s hand and then went back to his eyes.
“This is what friends do, Sarah. They hang out and talk to each other. I missed that about us.”
I pulled my arms around myself and swallowed hard.
“I don’t think Donna would be happy.” I also knew that Derek would be pissed if he spent the night in jail while I was hanging out with E.
“What would make you happy?”
My eyes snapped up to meet his, and I was suddenly terrified by the intensity of his gaze. I pushed to my feet. I always felt that E could see straight past my bullshit as no one else could. He could sense the secrets that I hid from everyone else. Secrets I was too ashamed to even share with my boyfriend.
“It’s been good seeing you again, E.” I took a step backward toward the door, and he pushed to his feet.
“But?” He stepped forward and I instinctively took another step back.
“But I didn’t want to cause any problems for you. You seem . . . happy.”
“But you’re not.” He stepped again and I did the same.
“I am.” My voice was weak, my mask slipping. “I know you don’t like Derek, but he has changed. He and I are planning a future together.”
E shook his head, running his hand over his messy hair. It had grown out since I had last seen him, and he looked as if he belonged on the cover of a magazine more than on a stage behind a drum kit.
Chapter Seven
ERIC
THE DESIRE TO be closer to Sarah drowned out the throbbing of my head. She was running from me, but I could see in her eyes she had felt something. Even if she didn’t, I hated that she was with that fucking asshole. I could have helped put the final nail in that coffin tonight, but I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye and tell her he was cheating on her again. It would have killed her, and I wouldn’t be any kind of a man if I let her run into my arms while she ran from his.
I wanted her to want me as badly as I wanted her. And what I was going through with Sarah was gutting me. But Sarah had never been mine. Our relationship had never gone further than friendly flirting. And I had to remind myself that it never would.
I stepped forward, pulled toward Sarah. “I just want you to stay.” She took one final step backward as she leaned against the door.
“I can’t. Sleep it off, E.” Her words were barely a whisper, and her eyes were pleading with me. Her hand felt for the door handle next to her waist and she grabbed ahold of it. I reached out, wrapping my fingers around hers, leaning closer. Her chest was rising and falling quickly, her lips parted. I looked down at her mouth and her tongue darted out, running over her lips. I could barely control my own breathing and I struggled not to press myself against her. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I glanced down at her baby-blue dress as my forehead pushed against hers and our breaths mingled.
Her eyes fell closed and I stared down at her thick lashes, getting high from her proximity. “Please,” I whispered, and her free hand came up to press against my chest. She weakly pushed back against me, her nails biting into my flesh. I’d grown painfully hard and I wanted to push my hips against hers, but I stayed inches away as she held me back.
Her eyes slowly opened and she searched mine. “You’re drunk, E. Knock it off.”
“Sarah . . .” My words caught in my throat as I stared down at her.
Without thinking, I pressed my mouth hard against hers. Her lips moved against mine for a brief second before she shoved against my chest hard, causing me to stumble back a step.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she yelled as her eyes narrowed and her cheeks flamed red.
Her hand slid from my chest and she pushed down the handle to the door. Her eyes stayed on mine as she pulled it open and slipped out into the hallway.
The stabbing pain in my head came back full force as she walked out the door. I stumbled back to my bed and collapsed on top of the covers. I had taken a chance. I had put my feelings out there and she said no. I traced the spot on my chest that still burned from her touch.
It felt as if someone had cracked open my ribs and pulled my heart from my chest. Someone who cheated on her and degraded her was more appealing than me.
I wanted to go down to the police station and finish beating the piss out of Derek, but it wasn’t my place. Sarah loved him, not me, and I had no right to interfere with her life anymore.
I forced myself to keep my eyes open for hours. Every time I tried to fall asleep, all I saw was her sad face. Eventually, my eyes grew heavy and burned and I had to give in to my exhaustion.
MORNING CAME TOO early and my throat was painfully dry. I made my way into the bathroom, groaning as I turned on the light. My eyes fell on the mirror and I took in the damage from the night before. My lip was swollen and busted and a small bruise was on my temple, but otherwise all of my pain was inside.
I tried to block out the foggy memories from last night, hoping the alcohol would help to erase them, but they all came rushing back. I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face, wincing as it burned my cut. I cupped my hands and drank a sip, relieving the burn in my throat.
Leaning against the sink, I forced myself to think of something other than Sarah. I grabbed my bottle of pain pills and took one as I wondered how Tuck and Cass were doing. I was tempted to call Cass and tell her how badly I had fucked up again last night, but I didn’t want to disturb the little bit of time they had alone.
Instead, I ran through the shower and pulled on fresh clothes, a pair of worn jeans and a white T-shirt. I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the time. It was already afternoon. I dialed Donna’s phone, hoping she would be awake.
She answered after two rings, sounding as if she had been up for hours. “I didn’t think you were going to grace us with your presence today.”
“Yeah . . . ,” I groaned, and stretched. “I feel like total shit.”
“Nothing a little greasy food won’t cure. I’m down at Hembrough’s Diner. You want me to bring you something?”
“Nah . . . I’ll come meet you. I need to get out of this fucking place.”
“See you soon.”
I said good-bye and hung up the phone, tossing it on the bed. I slipped on my sneakers and grabbed my cigarettes and wallet, and my eyes fell on a pair of high heels next to the bed. Just fucking great. I grabbed them and slipped out of my room, not ready to face Sarah after last night. I had made a complete fucking fool of myself.
I slowed as I made my way toward Sarah’s door, taking a deep breath and knocking before I could talk myself out of it. I knew I needed to apologize. I couldn’t just avoid her like an asshole and pretend nothing happened.