When all of the makeup that I hid behind was gone, it was like looking at a completely different person. I was the girl in my school pictures, hair slightly longer, with the same broke smile and sad eyes, hiding a sickening secret from the world. I gathered my hair at the back of my head and pulled it up into a loose ponytail.
I would never look as sophisticated as Donna, but maybe it was time I changed who I was. I wasn’t enough for E and for damn sure was not enough to keep Derek from running off. I looked down at my stupid schoolgirl skirt and tank top accented with safety pins to give it a punk edge. I stripped off my shirt and slid my skirt down my legs. I ran my finger over the top of my thigh, tracing the thin, pink line that was fresher than the other scars, but was healing nicely. No one had asked about that one because the only person who ever saw that part of me ignored it. He pretended it didn’t exist.
I looked at myself, naked with only a pair of black, boy-cut underwear. I ran my hand over my stomach. Hating how it stuck out, hating that my hips were narrower than I liked.
The alcohol was beginning to take the edge off the pain, but it wasn’t enough. I made my way back to the minibar and collapsed to my knees as I grabbed another bottle and drank it down without flinching. I drank several more until my head swam and my skin began to tingle.
Derek had carried my cigarettes so I dug through his bag to find another pack. When I couldn’t locate them, I stood up with it and turned it upside down. Scattering the contents all over the floor and on top of the minibottles of memory loss.
I grabbed a pack and tore it open, throwing the trash on the floor as I made my way to the tiny kitchen area. I turned on one of the burners to the stove and waited for it to heat up. As it glowed bright orange, I stuck the cigarette between my lips and leaned down, pressing the tip to the hot surface. I wobbled on my feet and stuck my hand out to catch myself, placing the tip of my finger right on the glowing spot.
I yanked back my finger, at first wondering why it felt ice-cold. Within a second I realized that I had burned myself and my fingertip was throbbing in agony. Fresh tears sprang to my eyes as I waved it around frantically, trying to get rid of the hurt.
Chapter Thirteen
ERIC
THERE IS NOT enough whiskey in the world to drown out the feeling of having your heart ripped out of your fucking chest. I knew that Sarah couldn’t be left alone in her sadness and anger or she would self-destruct. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and stared at the screen. I wondered if he was with her now or if she was all alone. I struggled against my instinct to protect her. She’d made it clear that she didn’t want me to be that person. I flexed my fingers, the skin of my bruised knuckles pulling apart and sending a sharp jab of pain up my arm.
“Leave her be. She will call you if she needs you.” Donna took the phone from my hands and slid it into the back of her jeans.
“She’s not going to call me, Donna.” I sighed heavily as I drank back the shot in front of me.
She grabbed my good hand and pulled me from the barstool toward the door. “Let’s get some fresh air.”
As we stepped out onto the sidewalk, I pulled a cigarette from my pack and lit it. I blew out a heavy cloud of smoke as I watched the cars pass by.
Donna leaned against the wall, her eyes bloodshot and unfocused from trying to match me shot for shot. I watched her as she looked up at a hotel across the street, half the windows still lit from the lights inside. I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her to my side.
“Thank you,” I whispered in her hair.
“For what?” She looked up at me, her face dangerously close to mine.
“For being here.” I dropped my cigarette to the ground and brought my hand up to push the hair back from her face. Her eyes closed and reopened slowly as I touched her skin. I leaned closer as I studied her expression. She didn’t try to pull away from me as her tongue rolled over her lips, wetting them and causing them to glisten from the dim neon light that hung overhead. Her reaction to me was the polar opposite of Sarah’s. She wasn’t repulsed or hurt by my touch, and I needed more than anything to feel wanted. By anyone.
I pushed my mouth against hers, needing to feel the tenderness, the acceptance of someone else. Her eyes fell closed again and her lips parted as I ran my tongue over them. My hand slid into her long hair, my fingers twisting in its softness as I held her to my mouth. She moaned softly, her hand falling on my chest. I pulled her against me as I deepened our kiss, her own tongue exploring mine.
There was a need, a longing, in the way she moved against me, and I wanted so desperately to give her the escape we both sought.
I reluctantly pulled away from our kiss to look into her eyes, the unasked question answered as her mouth found mine again. This time her kiss was more eager and I couldn’t help but push her back against the wall as I pressed my hips into her, letting her feel how much I needed her.
I ran my hands down her body, brushing against her breasts and down her narrow waist. I slid one hand behind her, grabbing her ass as the other lifted her thigh and gave me better access to her. I groaned as I rocked my hips into her, the jeans causing an unbearable friction between us. She gasped into my mouth and it only made me get more lost in her.
“Can I take you to my room?” My breathing was erratic and I had to force myself from finishing right here what we’d started.
She nodded, her cheeks flushed and lips swollen from our kisses. I pulled my body back from hers, hating the emptiness without her against me. I wrapped her fingers in mine as I guided us down the sidewalk and back to the hotel.
We crossed the lobby quickly, and when we got into the elevator, I smiled as I leaned against the wall and pulled her between my legs so I could kiss her again. Her fingers slid under the edge of my shirt and ran along the top of my jeans as our kisses became needier. The doors opened and we didn’t break apart as someone stepped into the elevator with us and cleared his throat. We both smiled and pressed against each other as we rose another floor, and the doors opened again. I backed her out of the tiny space and we stumbled and laughed. It felt so good to let go, to let myself get close to someone, have fun with someone . . .
“Sorry,” I called out behind me to the stranger as Donna giggled and tugged at the buckle of my jeans. I kept my arm looped around her back so she wouldn’t fall as we continued down the hall and fell against my door.
I grabbed the key card from my pocket and tried unsuccessfully to stick it in the slot in the door. Donna took it from my hand and spun around to give it a try. I gripped her hips, pulling her ass back against me. She laughed and pulled on the handle, shoving the door open. We nearly fell inside but I held on to her, lifting her in my arms and kicking the door closed behind me.
I walked her straight to the bed and sat her down in the center. The air around us changed in this private space with only the two of us. As I stood in front of her as she sat on the edge of the bed, I wondered if we would regret this in the morning. Sensing my hesitation, Donna grabbed my jeans and pulled me closer. She slowly undid the button as she gazed up at me, lust in her eyes.
I fought back the thought that I was going to lose her, too, if I went through with this. But as she pulled down my zipper and reached inside my boxers, all rational thought escaped me.
MY HEAD WAS pounding and I rubbed my forehead trying to force my eyes open. A leg slid over my waist and I froze as I glanced beside me to the mess of dark hair. My fingers gripped her knee and I leaned over, slowly brushing her hair from her face. Donna was sleeping peacefully beside me, and flashes of the night before slowly crept back into my memory. I slowly slid out from under her leg and got out of bed, suddenly aware of how naked I was.