“It’s fine, babe. He understood.”
I cringed inwardly at the thought of Derek’s talking to E about me. And the thought of him with Donna while I was texting him last night . . . suddenly I felt nauseous again.
“Where’s the dinner?” I examined the burn on my fingertip, which was now pink and swollen, but hadn’t blistered.
“Have to ask the twins. I haven’t heard from him. I just know afterwards we’re gonna hit the strip club to make up for him not having a bachelor party.”
I dug through my bag and grabbed my hairbrush, running it through my hair absentmindedly as I thought about how badly I had broken down last night. I hadn’t had that happen for a long time, and I felt that I was starting to slip back into the person I used to be. At least today I could pull Cass aside and have someone to talk to. I needed to vent, to sort out what I was feeling.
If I had not passed out last night, I would have hurt myself. It wasn’t a matter of if but when.
“We can skip the dinner if you want.”
I sighed as my heart sank. “No. It’s fine,” I lied, dropping my brush in my bag.
His arms wrapped around my waist from behind and his lips pressed against my neck. “Is it?”
I could only nod.
He spun me around to face him, his eyes searching mine for the truth. He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “We can just leave. My brother’s been bugging me to come see him in Texas.”
“I want to stay. I want to see Cass.”
He nodded, pushing the wet hair from my face. “Maybe afterward. I think it would be good for us to get away from all of this.”
“Yeah . . . maybe.”
He pulled me against his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Spending some time alone with Derek and away from the partying was exactly what we needed. When things aren’t this hectic, we actually enjoy each other’s company. I missed that. Missed us.
“I’m gonna run through the shower and get ready.”
I reluctantly let go of him as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sank down on the bed and dropped my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so fucked-up in such a short time?
I needed to get it out before it consumed me. I found my old, tattered notebook and sat down at the small desk at the foot of the bed.
The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,
I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire,
To let you in and break apart these walls,
That contain me, don’t blame me, I’m trying not to fall,
But it hurts to ignore it and it hurts to lie,
By myself in this bed when I’m starting to cry.
My mind was racing as I tried to get everything out that I had been keeping in so long. It was like therapy to me, and as I confessed my pain, I was confessing something else as well, but I was too scared to admit it.
“You’re writing.”
I turned around to see Derek running his hand through his long, dark hair, a towel slung low on his hips. My eyes danced over his tattoos and the bare spot on his chest. It was a perfect representation of how empty his heart was.
“Just jotting down some lyrics. We could use some new material for the next tour.”
He nodded as he gathered some clothes from the floor.
“I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for the mess I had made. The mess of my life.
“Me, too.” He tossed his towel on the bed and I turned around to stare at the paper in front of me.
Chapter Fifteen
ERIC
I RUBBED MY HAND along my jaw as I stared at the messages from Sarah. How could I have left her alone last night? What did she mean she wasn’t free?
R u ok?
I hit send and made my way into the small kitchen area to get myself a glass of water. Visions of last night danced through the edge of my memory. In forty-eight hours, I had effectively destroyed things with Sarah from all sides. The kiss, the dare, the night with Donna . . . Sarah had reached out to me and I hadn’t even known because I was busy fucking up my friendship with Donna, too. By the time this trip was over, I would have no one left. My phone vibrated in my palm and my heart raced as I slid my finger over the screen.
I’m fine. Sorry I bothered u.
I stared at the words as if they would change before my eyes. I typed out a quick response: You don’t bother me.
I set my glass in the sink and ran my hand over the back of my neck, rubbing away the tightness in my muscles. The phone vibrated again.
I shouldn’t have texted u. I won’t ever again.
“Fuck,” I threw my phone, and the back flew off as it hit the wall on the other side of the bed. I needed to get the fuck out of this place before I lost my mind. For months I’d missed her, and now that she was back in my life, I’d pushed her even further away. To make things worse, I would have to face her for the next week and a half while we were all still in LA.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I had never felt as weak as I did now. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing.
I decided I needed to get some of my frustration out in the gym. I hadn’t worked out in days. I changed into some shorts and a white T-shirt and set off for the gym on the first floor. It was practically empty and I was glad the twins were probably still asleep. I needed to lift, to feel the burn and ache in my muscles, but my head was going crazy.
I jumped on the treadmill and slowly upped the speed until I was full on running, staring at the television mounted in the corner of the room as I let the noise override my thoughts.
The more known our band became, the lonelier life felt. I craved having one person who knew the real me and not the guy on the stage. At least with Tucker off with his new bride, we were able to go out in public without being bothered. But all that would change again today when they finally came back.
As I turned up the speed, the sweat began to run off me, my hair clinging to my forehead as I started to breathe harder.
Trying to run from all of my problems was just like running on this treadmill. You never got anywhere.
I thought of how my family used to be, before my brother was killed. I wanted a family like that for myself, but I knew I was never meant to have that kind of happiness. I wasn’t even welcome in my own family. My legs were burning and I forced myself to keep going. I wanted exhaustion. I wanted to wear down my body and hopefully, in the process, my mind.
TWO HOURS LATER I left the gym, my body feeling as if it were ripping in two. I made my way back up to my room, glancing at Donna’s door, but deciding now probably wasn’t the time to talk about what had happened last night.
I hoped she didn’t hate me for what had happened. I didn’t think I could handle losing her on top of everything else. I slipped inside my room and took an ice-cold shower, letting the water cool me down until my breathing returned to normal.
I got dressed and grabbed my phone from the floor. It took a minute to locate the back, but I slipped it on and tried to power on. The phone wouldn’t work, and the anger that had consumed me earlier returned.
Someone knocked at the door and I groaned as I made my way over to it and yanked it open.
“Dude, what the fuck?” Terry held his hands out to his sides.
“What?”
“You won’t answer your phone, you wouldn’t answer the door. Donna is freaking out, man. You can’t just fuck a chick and ignore her.”
“I wasn’t ignoring her.”
“So you did fuck her? I got to hand it to you, man. Only you could tame the fucking ice queen.” He laughed as he slid by me into the room.