The governesses and Miss Bennet and I were rather shaken, but we continued to put the children into the carriages. Not long after we had done this, the vicar came back alone, a little out of breath but still looking as neat and tidy as may be.
Well, off they went to the ball, like as not to be gone until the small hours. I am tempted to stay awake to see to Mr. Caldicot when he comes home, even though he never requires me to do so. I ought to close this letter now and see to the bedroom fires.
With affection,
Ellen
My Dear Jane,
I thought I would be exhausted after the ball and prepared myself for bed accordingly. However, once attired for sleep I found myself extraordinarily wakeful, and decided that to set down my thoughts about the ball might while away the time until sleep overtakes me.
As a ball for charity, the dance was a great success. The ballroom was full, and Lady Hampshire told me that an extraordinary sum had been raised for the Society. The children Kitty has been teaching were very well behaved and were very popular partners for dances. One might have mistaken them for the sons and daughters of gentlemen, except that they are not as plump and healthful-looking as they ought to be.
You will want to know about Kitty and Mr. Caldicot. I had hoped that he would ask her to dance immediately, but he first danced with one little girl, and then another, which was inevitable, I suppose. I was in dread that Mr. Arnot would ask Kitty for the first dance, but he did not ask her until several dances were already completed. And when they did stand up together, I could tell that she was not best pleased by their conversation.
She did not dance the next, and while she and I were standing together and watching the other dancers, we saw Mr. Caldicot ask a young lady to dance. I must say that I have never seen him so effusive to anyone as he was when he greeted her. I saw that Kitty was much struck and watched them closely as they danced. He was truly at his ease with this other woman, laughing with her, and conversing with great animation. To do her justice, the lady was beautiful, graceful, and looked sensible and good. (I do not know exactly how she impressed me as being good, except that she did not look like a flirt.) Kitty once ventured to ask me if I knew the lady that Mr. Caldicot was dancing with. I had to tell her I did not. But the interest Mr. Caldicot showed in her made me quake for Kitty’s chances with him!
Eventually, he did ask Kitty to dance, and instead of being pleased, she seemed to be unnaturally solemn. I cannot think why, unless it was that she suddenly realized what a prize Mr. Caldicot is and was vexed by his apparent interest in the other young woman. Kitty went in to supper with a Mr. Enright, who seemed to be a sensible but plain young man. I thought she behaved very well, but I could see she was out of spirits.
Mr. Caldicot left early with his troupe of children, and he civilly bid us farewell before he went. I invited him to dine with us on Christmas Eve, and he accepted. He looked very earnestly at Kitty, but I do not think she noticed, as she would hardly look at him—she reminded me forcibly of Georgiana when she was so very shy.
Dearest Jane, you will be disappointed to learn that I do not yet know what Kitty is thinking. I could not talk to her in the carriage, with Fitzwilliam and Georgiana there, and as soon as we arrived home my husband insisted on my going up to bed. I had unfortunately said that I was tired, and he evidently thinks that women in an interesting condition are to be over-cossetted.
I hope I may speak with her tomorrow. Now, however, I am beginning to feel sleepy, and must close this missive and go to bed.
Faithfully,
Lizzy
Dear Jane,
I have been the most foolish of mortals. No doubt you have long thought me ignorant and foolish, and you are right. I believed I knew my own mind, but I was so very, very wrong. Tonight I discovered what I truly wish for in a husband, and I discovered also that I am far from deserving such a man. I daresay my words are rather incomprehensible to you, so I must explain.
I told you that I was to help the children get ready for the ball at the vicarage. As we were getting them into the carriages, a very drunk man appeared and made a scene. It was very shocking, Jane. He was yelling out that we were taking his niece and grabbed her and said that he would have her new frock and sell it. I really thought that he was going to offer some violence to Mr. Caldicot’s housekeeper, who was trying to dissuade him from taking little Lucy. Mr. Caldicot suddenly appeared beside us and dealt with the man in the most capable manner. He did not raise his voice or return the blow that the drunk man tried to give him, but he was able to subdue him with only a twist of his arm and escorted him down the street without the least trouble. I do not know where he put the man, but he came back as calm as ever and continued to help us get the children into the carriages.
All at once I could really imagine him as a sportsman (which Lady Hampshire has told me he is). He was less of a vicar to me and more of a man, if I may express it so. I had long admired his character, but at that moment I also admired him. I fear that I was very inattentive to the children in my carriage as we drove to the ball, as it took me some time to adjust my ideas of him, and also of my own wishes.
I realized, when the ball began, that I desired him to ask me to dance. Not because he was forced to, like when Lady Hampshire presented me as a partner he could not refuse, or when we were at the vicarage showing the children the steps of the dance, but because he wanted to dance with me.
For a few minutes I had some hope that he might. I remembered all of our talks, and our little jokes, and the kind way he had written to me when I wrote to ask his advice. I thought it not outside the realm of possibility that he might (dare I say it) fall in love with me, as I suddenly realized that I was in love with him. At the very least, I thought he might ask me to dance.
Instead, he danced with little Lucy first, and afterwards with another little girl. I thought it proof of his kind character, and so was not very disappointed. I danced with two unexceptionable partners, and then I was asked by Mr. Arnot. We did not speak of anything of consequence as we danced; he filled up the time judging the gowns of the ladies, boasting about his horse, and retelling some bit of gossip he had heard about Lord Pritchard. I suppose at one time it would have gratified me to have him pay compliments on my appearance, but now I felt it all to be very insipid. I was relieved when the dances were over.
I was not asked for the next two dances, for which I was rather grateful—my thoughts had taken such a new direction that I was pleased to stand with Lizzy (Georgiana was dancing) and try to make sense of my feelings.
My eyes strayed over to where Mr. Caldicot was talking to Bishop Carlton, and I was just admitting to myself what a handsome man he is, when I saw his expression change to one of pure delight. He had seen someone across the room, and I observed him excuse himself to his friend and make his way around the ballroom until he came to a very beautiful woman. He greeted her with such warmth, Jane! I have never seen him so very delighted. The dance was just coming to an end, and when the new set was forming, he led her to the floor.
As they danced, I realized that all hope is gone for me. Mr. Caldicot will never see me as a prospective bride. If this is the sort of woman that he admires—mature, graceful, refined—I stand no chance. I am undeniably a country miss (in spite of my fine gown), and with my silly teasing of him, and my ignorant questions, he must have dismissed me long ago as a shallow, giddy girl to whom he owes nothing but clerical guidance. He, who can talk with a small child about her favorite foods, who can discuss concerts in Italian with Lady Hampshire, who can talk about theology with a bishop, and who seems equally at home in a grand ballroom or in a vicarage surrounded by street urchins—as I say, he would hardly think of me as the kind of wife he prefers!