In a house on Coldharbour Lane, four men sat round a coffee table. Open cans of Heineken, Fosters and Colt 45 crowded a batch of black and white photos.
Two of the men were brothers, Kevin and Albert. The others were Doug and Fenton. All were white. Kevin said: ‘I don’t think they take us serious.’
Albert sighed: ‘It’s early days, and besides, the cricket thing’s got priority.’
Doug joined in: ‘Yeah, c’mon Kev, who’s gonna get the six o’clock news — a batsman or a dope dealer?’
Kevin slammed the table.
‘You think this isn’t important?’
Fenton got his oar in: ‘Take it easy, Kev.’
Kevin rounded on him, slight traces of spittle at the corners of his mouth. ‘Was I talking to you Fen? Did I say one fuckin’ word to you, mate?’
‘I was only — ’
‘You were only bollocks — this is my plan, my show.’
‘You don’t tell me shit, mate.’
Fenton knew the danger signs: up ahead was the twilight zone. He shut up. Kevin grabbed a beer, drained it in a large, loud swallow. The others watched his Adam’s apple move like a horrible yo-yo. Finished, he flicked the can away, then:
‘Now, as I was saying, before I got interrupted, they ain’t taking us serious. Think we’re just a one-off. I’ll show ’em — the next hanging I’ll also torch the bastard. Eh? Whatcha fink o’ that? Be like a beacon in the Brixton night sky’
The others thought it was madness. What they said was: ‘Good one, Kev — yeah, torch ’em, that’ll do it.’
Kevin sifted through the photos. ‘Who’s next then? Here’s an ugly looking bastard — who’s he?’ Turned over the photo, read out the details: ‘Brian Short, twenty-eight years old, dope dealer, rapist, and lives on Railton.’
‘Shit, he’s practically next door.’
Albert looked at the others, then said: ‘Kev, there’s a problem.’
‘What, he’s moved, that’s it?’
‘No. He’s… I mean…
‘What? Spit it out.’
‘He’s white.’
‘He’s scum and what’s more, he’s gonna burn, and tonight.’
‘Kev…
‘Don’t start whining, go get some petrol — get a lotta petrol.’
Policing, like cricket, has hard and fast rules. Play fast, play hard
Picture this. Brant is seven years old. The Peckham estate he lives on is already turning to shit. A Labour legacy of cheap contemporary housing is exactly that; Brant has been fighting. But he’s learning, learning not to cry and NEVER to back down. At home his mother is bathing his cuts and beatings. He doesn’t hear her. Dixon of Dock Green is on the telly: ‘Evening all,’ and Brant whispers a reply. Z Cars flames the call and ten years later he answers it fully. Through the years he’ll wade through Hill Street Blues right along with homicide. But they don’t give him the rush. His is an English version of the bobby and for some perverse reason he finds that Ed McBain in the police procedural comes closest to the way it should have been. Long after he’d dismissed Dixon as a wanker, his heart still bore the imprint of Dock Green. In Brant’s words, television had gone the way of Peckham. Right down the shitter.
Brant was mid-quiz, deliberately misquoting: ‘and the herring shall follow the fleet.’
A constable sneered: ‘That’s too easy — it’s that wanker, the kick-boxer Cantona.’
Brant tried not to show his dismay. He’d been sure it was a winner. A clutch of uniforms was gathered round in the canteen. He said: ‘OK wise-arse, try this: “Do you care now?”’
The group laughed, shouted: ‘De Niro to Wesley Snipes in The Fan.’
Free tickets had been left at the station. Brant stood up in disgust. ‘You bastards have been studying. It’s meant to be off the cuff.’
He marched away resolving never to play again. Near collided with a galloping Roberts who shouted: ‘Another one, they’ve gone and done it again.’
‘The Umpire?’
‘No, the other lunatics — the lamppost outfit. C’mon, c’mon, let’s roll.’
Outside the library in Brixton, the dangling corpse was still smouldering. Brant asked: ‘Got a light?’
Roberts gave a deep sigh: ‘This will hang us too.’
Brant nudged him, asked: ‘Did you read McBain yet?’
‘Oh sure, like I’ve had time for that.’
Unfazed, Brant launched: ‘The 87th Precinct, there’s two homicide dicks, Monaghan and Monroe. At the murder scenes they crack a graveyard humour. In Black Horses the — ’
‘Shut up! Jeez, are you completely nuts? Anyone know who this victim might be?’
The uniformed sergeant said: ‘Brian Short, twenty-eight years old, dope dealer, rapist, lives on Railton Road.’
Both Roberts and Brant gaped, gave a collective ‘what?’
The sergeant repeated it. Roberts said: ‘Now that’s what I call impressive police work. In fact it’s miraculous.’
Brant looked at the corpse, asked: ‘Fuckin’ hell, you can tell all that from here?’
The sergeant indicated the item he held, said: ‘It says so here.’
‘Here?’
‘Yeah, on the back of this photo.’
‘Hey, gimme that.’ Brant looked at it and smiled. ‘How did you get his snappy, Sarge?’
It was pinned to this notice.’
‘“E is for EXTREME measures”.’
The police had come prepared this time and two ladders were used to bring the body down. The medical examiner arrived, hummed and hawed, then whipped off his glasses and said: ‘This was not a boating accident.’
Brant laughed out loud. Roberts said: ‘Wanna share the joke fellas or shall I just continue with my thumb up my arse?’
Intriguing as the picture was, Brant decided not to elaborate and said: ‘It’s from Jaws, sir. Richard Dreyfus said it.’
A press photographer grabbed a series of shots before Roberts cried: ‘Get him outta here!’
The evening paper ran a full photo of them apparently laughing delightedly over the body. The caption read: WHAT’S THE JOKE, OFFICERS?
And the accompanying article gave them a bollocking of ferocity. Burned them, so to speak.
Loyalty
Durham, a rising CID star, had been sent to Roberts’ station to conduct a full assessment. Now, in front of the whole force, he berated WPC Falls, his voice laden with syrup.
‘Ladies and Gentleman, we have here a policewoman who demonstrated yesterday how NOT to handle a case. She went alone to a potentially explosive situation, near invoked a riot and did uncalculated harm to community relations.’
His voice was rising progressively as he built to his finale. He knew his punchline would be hilarious and it showed that tough, stern, he was not without humour. Leadership qualities on display, he got ready.
‘But worst of all — to quote the poet, ‘The dog it was that died.’
Silence. Rattled, he figured the morons didn’t get the reference and repeated it. Nope. Nada. Angry, he tore further into Falls and lost it a bit. Murmurs from the ranks finally halted him. A crushed Falls felt the tears blind her, groped her way out of the room. Durham shouted: ‘I don’t recall dismissing you, WPC.’
To work on an egg
The Umpire raised himself from the floor and stretching, folded away the killer. Blinked, opened wide his eyes and was SHANNON, not exactly ordinary citizen, but he had done some of the moves. Even psychos have to eat. He showered and then carefully shaved, using a pearl-handled open razor from his dad. In truth, he’d bought it at a car boot sale but now believed the former. With long, slow sweeps he cut the bristles, and as he reached the Adam’s apple he paused. The eyes reflected and for a minute the Umpire had control, whispered: ‘gut him like.’ Then he was gone and Shannon began to whistle. All spruced up, he said: ‘let’s get booted and suited.’
For breakfast he boiled two eggs and buttered three slices of bread. Then he cut the slices into thin wedges and lined them up neatly: ‘Stand easy, men.’