PINCHAS
Better than the Prince of Denmark without Hamlet as he is usually played. In my version the Prince of Denmark indeed vanishes, for Hamlet is a Jew and the Prince of Palestine.
(General consternation in the cafe.)
VON MIESES
You have made him a Jew?
PINCHAS
If he is to be the ideal thinker, let him belong to a nation of thinkers. In fact, (confidentially) the play is virtually an autobiography.
HEATHEN JOURNALIST
You still call it Hamlet?
PINCHAS
Why not? True, it is virtually a new work and vastly superior to the original. But Shakespeare borrowed his story from an older play and treated it to suit himself, why therefore should I not treat Shakespeare as it suits me?
HEATHEN JOURNALIST
But wouldn't it be better to modify the title so people don't get confused?
PINCHAS
If I were to call it by another name, some learned fool would pretend it was stolen from Shakespeare; this way it challenges comparison.
TUCH (drily)
And Shakespeare suffers.
PINCHAS (placidly)
Only as a medieval alchemist or astrologer suffers in comparison with a modern chemist or astronomer. The muddle-headedness of Shakespeare . . . which incidentally is the cause of the muddle in Hamlet's character . . . has given way to the clear vision of the modern. How could Shakespeare describe a thinker? The Elizabethans could not think. They were like our politicians.
GRUNBITZ
Why should you expect thought from a politician? (Tuch looks angry) That's like expecting money from an economist. Besides only youth thinks.
PINCHAS
That is well said. He who is ever thinking never grows old. I shall die young like all those whom the gods love. Waiter, give Mr. Grunbitz a cup of chocolate and a cream tart.
GRUNBITZ
Thank you . . . no.
PINCHAS
You cannot refuse. You will pain Witberg who is paying.
VON MIESES (embarrassed)
I wonder if you could look at these poems.
PINCHAS (graciously)
I'll be glad to give you my opinion, but I warn you I am a severe critic.
OSTROVSKY (to Schneeman)
Ohh! He's a critic too.
SCHNEEMAN (to Ostrovsky)
What a pompous ass.
OSTROVSKY
Do you suppose he has any talent at all?
SCHNEEMAN
He's a Yiddish Bernard Shaw, no doubt. (laughing) Wait till Goldwater gets through with him.
PINCHAS (who has been perusing Mieses' poems joyfully)
But it is full of genius! I might have written it myself. The third stanza is a masterpiece.
VON MIESES
Perhaps I, too, shall write a play one day. My initial 'M' makes master too.
PINCHAS (graciously)
It may be that you are destined to wear my mantle.
(Mieses looks uneasily at Pinchas' ill-fitting and ragged cloak.)
PINCHAS
And now Mieses, you must give me carfare. I have to go and talk to Goldwater about rehearsals. That pumpkin-head of an actor manager is capable of any crime. Even altering my best lines.
OSTROVSKY (maliciously)
I suppose Goldwater plays Hamlet.
PINCHAS (airily)
We have not discussed it yet.
OSTROVSKY
He'll be all right. So long as Fanny Goldwater doesn't play Ophelia.
PINCHAS
Mrs. Goldwater play Ophelia? She wouldn't dare! Don't dream of such a thing. She belongs in vaudeville.
OSTROVSKY
All right. Don't say I didn't warn you.
PINCHAS (shaken)
You don't think there is really a danger?
OSTROVSKY
He usually gives her the best female role.
PINCHAS (venomously)
I'll drown her before I let her play my Ophelia.
OSTROVSKY (coolly)
Well, it's up to you.
PINCHAS (shaking his fist)
The minx. But I'll manage her. If worse comes to worst. I'll make love to her.
(The cafe erupts in laughter at this threat.)
TUCH
And when is the grand event? When will it open?
PINCHAS
After Passover. (buttoning his coat) I'd better get going before he casts her as Ophelia. (sarcastically) I don't want her to be disappointed.
OSTROVSKY
Has Goldwater given you a contract?
PINCHAS (with great dignity and disdain)
I am a poet, not a lawyer. Parchments are for merchants; honest men build on the word.
OSTROVSKY
It comes to the same thing. These managers can slip out of any contract. Still I prefer to force them to use their imagination by getting it in writing. When I'm not writing plays, I'm busy writing contracts. It prevents writer's block. (with great deliberation) I will come to your opening night.
PINCHAS
It will be a tribute which the audience will appreciate. Wait till you see my play. You must all come. I will send you all boxes. Then you will learn that thought is greater than action. Thought is the greatest thing in the world!
(Pinchas and Witberg leave. Ostrovsky puffs his cigar, then he rises and goes to a phone.)
OSTROVSKY
Is that you Goldwater? Yes, I'm fine. No, it's not about the money you owe me. Purely artistic. I wanted to tell you that I look forward to seeing you as Hamlet and your missus as Ophelia.
(pause)
Hadn't thought of her as Ophelia? Goldwater you must be losing all your artistic sense.
(pause)
Of course, she'll be perfect. By the way, that wild man who wrote the play is on his way over there to see you. Better dodge him. After all you shouldn't let the author ruin the play-
(facing the audience)
-when you can do it yourself.
(pause)
By the way now you mention the money . . .
(he looks at the receiver which has gone dead)
I should have known it. . . .
(Ostrovsky hangs up, smiles, puffs his cigar and resumes his seat contentedly. He looks at a newspaper.)
BLACKOUT
II. DRESSING ROOM OF GOLDWATER'S YIDDISH THEATER, DAY
Goldwater is applying his makeup; KLOOT, his brash young assistant is sitting on the table. There are sounds of a scuffle outside.
PINCHAS
(forcing his way in)
Not thus. Not thus shall you treat my Hamlet. Every syllable must be engraved upon the actors' hearts, or God forbid the curtain to go up. Not that it matters, with the foolish play you are now butchering; it is ink vomit, not literature.
(Goldwater is ignoring him and angrily changing his trousers. Kloot remains impassive.)
GOLDWATER
Son of a witch! You come and disturb all my house. What do you want?
PINCHAS
I want to talk to you about rehearsals.
GOLDWATER
(placatingly)
I told you I would let you know when rehearsals begin.
PINCHAS
But you forgot to take my address.
GOLDWATER
As if I don't know where to find you!
KLOOT
Pinchas gets drinks from the whole cafe.
PINCHAS
They drink to the health of Hamlet.
GOLDWATER
All right, Kloot get his address. Good evening.
PINCHAS
But when will it be? I must know.
GOLDWATER
(patiently)
We can't fix it to a day. There's plenty of money in this play yet.