PINCHAS
For comedy. For comedy, I will allow. But Hamlet is not a comedy. Your wife prances, skips and jumps. Rather would I give Ophelia to a kangaroo or jackrabbit!
GOLDWATER
(indignant)
Swine! Compare my wife to a kangaroo or jackrabbit! Take your filthy manuscript and begone . . .
KLOOT
(to himself)
Well, Fanny would provide an element of comic relief! Hey, that's an idea.
PINCHAS
To gratify your wife, you would make her ridiculous and deprive the world of your Hamlet!
GOLDWATER
I can get plenty of Hamlets. Any scribbler can translate Shakespeare.
PINCHAS
(sublimely)
Surely. You can get hundreds. But who can surpass Shakespeare? Who can make him intelligible to the modern soul?
(Goldwater hesitates, thinking perhaps there is something to it. A voice from offstage calls, "Mr. Goldwater, your cue." Goldwater rushes out, glad to escape.)
PINCHAS
(pleading)
You will talk to him, Kloot? You will save Ophelia?
KLOOT
(easily)
Rely on me, if I have to play her myself.
PINCHAS
(worriedly)
But that will be even worse.
KLOOT
How do you know? You've never seen me act. I'm a great female impersonator.
PINCHAS
(soothing, wheedling)
You will not spoil my play. You will get me a maidenly Ophelia. I and you are the only two men in New York who understand how to cast a play.
KLOOT
You leave it to me. I have a wife of my own.
PINCHAS
(alarmed)
What! Don't you dare.
KLOOT
Don't be alarmed. I'll coach her. She's just the age for the part. Mrs. Goldwater could be her mother.
PINCHAS
But can she make an audience cry?
KLOOT
You bet. A regular onion of an Ophelia.
PINCHAS
But I must see her rehearse, then I decide.
KLOOT
Of course.
PINCHAS
And you will seek me in the cafe when rehearsals begin?
KLOOT
That goes without saying. How can we rehearse without you? You shouldn't have worried the boss. We'll call you even if it's the middle of the night.
(Pinchas jumps at Kloot and kisses him on both cheeks.)
PINCHAS
Protector of Poets!
(releasing him)
And you will see that they do not mutilate my play? You will not suffer a single hair of my poesy to be harmed?
KLOOT
Not a hair shall be cut.
PINCHAS
Ahhh, I and you are the only two men in New York who know how to treat poetry.
(hugging Kloot again)
KLOOT
You bet.
(escaping from Pinchas)
Well goodbye.
PINCHAS
(still not convinced)
And you will see it is not adulterated with American slang? In Zion they don't say 'sure' and 'lend me a nickel.'
KLOOT
Didn't I promise? Don't you trust me?
PINCHAS
All the same you might lend me a nickel for carfare.
KLOOT
I'd be honored.
PINCHAS
Goodbye my protector.
(he goes out)
KLOOT
That was a nickel well spent.
(The door opens again, Pinchas' ungainly head reappearing.)
PINCHAS
You promise me all this?
KLOOT
(trying to appear hurt)
Didn't I do it already?
PINCHAS
Save a poet from distraction and swear to me.
KLOOT
Will you go if I swear?
PINCHAS
Yup.
KLOOT
And you won't come back again till rehearsals begin?
PINCHAS
Nup.
KLOOT
Then I swear on my father and mother's life.
PINCHAS
(grinning, satisfied at last)
Thank you! I'm going.
(he leaves, closing the door behind him)
KLOOT
(locks and bolts the door)
I wonder how he'd feel if he knew I'm an orphan? Sure was a good thing we didn't tell him we plan to add music.
(Kloot goes out whistling)
BLACKOUT
III. THE EAST SIDE CAFE, NIGHT
It is the evening of Opening Night. Most of the persons present in the first scene are in the cafe, but there is no center of attention. Enter Pinchas tumultuously. Striding up and down, brandishing his cane in one hand and a poster in the other, Pinchas is nearly frothing at the mouth.
OSTROVSKY
(reading the poster)
"Itzek Goldberg proudly presents the Yiddish Hamlet, by the world renowned poet Melchitzedek Pinchas, with music by Ignatz Levitsky, the world famous composer. Starring Itzek Goldberg and the world acclaimed Fanny Goldberg."
(maliciously)
What seems to be the matter?
PINCHAS
The matter! The matter! World famous composer, indeed. Whoever heard of Ignatz Levitsky? And who wants his music? The tragedy of a thinker needs no caterwauling of violins. Does Goldwater imagine I have written a melodrama? At most I will permit an overture.
OSTROVSKY
Whoever heard of Melchitzedek Pinchas? World famous author. That's rich.
PINCHAS
(not hearing him)
The dogs. The liars.
WITBERG
(trying to placate him)
Perhaps a little well placed music would not hurt.
PINCHAS
They won't even let me attend rehearsals. Who can tell how they have mangled it? Such ghouls.
TUCH
After all, Goldberg knows his business.
VON MIESES
You shouldn't have tried to replace Fanny. Goldberg is very proud of his wife's talent.
PINCHAS
He has reason. She has so little, every bit is precious.
OSTROVSKY
(rubbing it in)
Where are our tickets? You promised us all box seats.
PINCHAS
They didn't send me any. Liars. Murderers. Slayers of poets. They fear I fire Ophelia.
OSTROVSKY
(relishing his rival's predicament, especially as he has suffered the same fate himself)
Surely you are going to attend?
PINCHAS
(dejected)
The box office is sold out.
OSTROVSKY
Well, that's a good sign.
PINCHAS
I don't believe them. It's a conspiracy to keep me out. But they won't succeed.
TUCH
What will you do?
PINCHAS
(raving)
I'll do something if I have to fire the theatre.
OSTROVSKY
Why don't you call Goldwater on the phone?
PINCHAS
That's an excellent idea. Will I give him a piece of my mind. Witberg, a dime.
(Taking a dime from Witberg, he strides to the phone, followed by
the whole cafe, eager to hear some precious witticisms.)
OSTROVSKY
Be sure to disguise your voice.
(Pinchas dials and waits.)
TUCH
This will go down in history.
MIESES It may not be a good idea.
PINCHAS
(in a high pitched voice)
This is George Bernard Shaw, you Goldwater? May I speak to Goldwater, tell him the critic Bernard Shaw wants to congratulate him.
(to the crowd)
Goldwater's too dumb to know that Shaw doesn't speak Yiddish.