Kip didn’t even know where to start. “Are you telling me that Nadia and you weren’t...”
Tam gave her a wan smile. “You thought we had been together?”
Kip nodded.
“That rumor never quits. No, we were never lovers. Eww.”
Tam let out a long sigh. “But we are half-sisters. Nobody but us knows that. I suppose it gives us a certain air of intimacy that people misinterpret. Mercedes probably thinks that’s why I always take her calls.” Tam repositioned so she was sitting cross-legged under the covers.
Kip said, trying not to let her tone rise too much, “What a horrible thing to do to a bunch of kids. Separate them from their mothers after they’d already been traumatized.”
“Yes. And no. Some of them were as crazy as he was. And a few more were broken—hardly functional. Others were children in their heads and never grew up. I was just a kid, but looking back, I don’t know if there was a fit parent among them.”
“If yours was alive, wouldn’t you want to find her?”
Tam stared down at her hands. “I have to tell you that this is the most I’ve thought about any of it in years. I guess—if she was alive I’d have probably tried to find her. Whatever agreement she signed wouldn’t have been binding on me. But it’s moot. Nadia never said she was looking for her mother and I think she would have told me. She was younger than I was. Fortunately we were both “not ripe” as that crazy man put it. There were a couple girls, just a bit older than me who’d been turned into wives.”
“Oh my God,” Kip said. She touched Tam’s hand, just for a moment. “I am so sorry. What an awful, awful thing. And I understand why you really don’t want to talk about it. I can see 212
some people getting obsessively fascinated by the whole thing.”
“Who wants to be a Wikipedia article like that? Not me. The Halley family gave us a good education. I got a new name and an orphan’s bio. If I finished college I would get a bonus. My life was turning out pretty good.”
Kip connected that dot. “The Maldives money?”
“You guessed it. I should give it away to a shelter or something.”
“What were you called before Tamara, then? Do you remember—never mind. You don’t have to tell me.”
“It’s okay. Rebekkah. They made our first names our middle names.”
Kip decided not to say that she thought it did suit her, but she liked Tamara better. “You never have nightmares? I think I would.” She wasn’t sure she wouldn’t have a nightmare later anyway. The cruelty of such a sick man using all those teenaged girls to build his own little cult was inhuman. How could Tam be so calm talking about it?
“I did have nightmares for a while, but once I got to boarding school and started learning, they stopped. My mind was finally occupied. We’d only read the Bible. I used to know chapter and verse. But I did really well in boarding school, learned fast, then tested high for science and math and here I am. I always felt blessed for having been rescued.”
“His parents are lucky they haven’t had grandchildren showing up on their doorstep,” Kip said.
“Maybe they have. They are very good at keeping things quiet.”
There was a long silence, then Kip said softly, “Thank you. I will not tell a soul. I promise you that.”
Tam nodded. “I know.”
“Do you think that’s why you do what you do?” Tam’s father, after all, had been a coward—victimizing defenseless girls and then killing himself to escape the mess he’d made. She hoped he’d ended up in the burning hell she was sure he imagined existed—it was what he deserved.
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“What?”
“Well—he evaded justice. You make sure some people finally get some justice.”
Tam’s eyes clouded and her face stilled. “I never thought of that. I don’t think I want to see myself as doing anything in relation to him, certainly not my life’s work as a form of rebellion.”
“I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry,” Kip said quickly. “That was thoughtless of me.”
“No, you’re probably right.” Tam’s eyes rimmed with red.
“It’s pretty obvious that your father shaped a part of you.”
“Absolutely. And I like who I am. But I’m not going to be grateful to his alcoholism for that. I hate everything it’s done to him and my sister and mom, too.”
Tam bit her lower lip. “I just—he was never my father. He doesn’t even get enough status in my life to be worthy of rebellion against him.” She gave an unamused laugh. “I’m not sane because he was crazy.”
Kip felt so helpless. “Your mother must have been from an amazing line of women because you certainly didn’t get your strength and intellect from him.”
“I’ve tried so hard not to let it matter.” Tam’s voice broke and Kip wanted in the worst way to hold her. “It was all a long time ago. It’s almost a dream. It’s not about who I am.”
Tam drew herself up and though tears shimmered at the corners of her eyes, they didn’t spill over. “You’re right, the women in my family must have been strong.”
“I’m sorry I asked about it, and pushed.”
“I know why you did. Those holes weren’t supposed to be there for you to see.”
The silence stretched long enough to be awkward. Kip sensed that if she offered to hold Tam, Tam would agree. But her rigid posture and faraway look weren’t asking for comfort. Kip could almost hear her thinking that she had gotten through life on her own and wasn’t about to start getting weepy on someone now.
Kip slid back down into the bed and adjusted her pillow. “Do you think you can sleep?”
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“Even if I can’t, it’s fine.” Tam quickly turned off the light.
“The dark is restful. It’ll be okay.”
Oddly reassured by the rocking motion of the ship, Kip was glad to find herself drowsy. She was aware of Tam but she didn’t ache the way she had earlier. She felt inside Tam’s life in a way she hadn’t expected or believed in. For the first time in days, sex was not simmering right below the surface. She felt...trusted.
She woke once in the night to feel Tam snuggled against her back. She burrowed until she could hear Tam’s steady, slow breathing and went back to sleep.
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Chapter SIXteeN
Kip stirred in the wee morning hours to find herself still in the circle of Tam’s arms. The heat of Tam’s body was not bringing out feelings of safety and comfort, however, and Kip slipped away to visit the bathroom and school herself into a professional frame of mind. Today they hoped to finally have a concrete piece of evidence in their possession that proved someone other than Tam was involved in the embezzlement. She needed her instincts at their sharpest.
She also couldn’t forget why she was here. And who she was.
The dim display of her watch said they would be docking in two hours. She knew Tam wanted to be among the first to leave.
When this was all over, when the FBI was satisfied, and any rumors quashed by the truth, SFI still wouldn’t allow for relationships between employees. Tam couldn’t enforce a rule she didn’t follow herself. So whether she was part of Tam’s life, 216
what she could have, according to the rules, was something she couldn’t live with. She didn’t want to be a mere friend. She didn’t want Christmas cards and birthday gifts and “how have you been”
a couple of times a year because they didn’t dare see each other more often.
Her image in the bathroom mirror shimmered as her eyes filled with tears. Yippee, Meena would think it hilarious. Kip Barrett had finally lost her distance and over someone she couldn’t have.