Kim raised her eyebrows questioningly. She wasn’t convinced.
“You’re just going to have to trust me,” Edward said. He vigorously washed his face, then began to towel it dry.
“I have another question,” Kim said. “What have you told people at the lab about me?”
Edward lowered the towel from his face and looked at Kim. “What are you talking about? Why would I be telling the people at the lab anything about you?”
“I mean about our relationship,” Kim said.
“I don’t recall specifically,” Edward said with a shrug. “I suppose I might have said you were my girlfriend.”
“Does that mean lover or does that mean friend?” Kim asked.
“What’s going on here?” Edward questioned with annoyance. “I haven’t divulged any personal secrets, if that’s what you are implying. I’ve never gone into intimate details with anyone about us. And why am I getting the third degree at one o’clock in the morning?”
“I’m sorry if you feel I’m interrogating you,” Kim said. “That wasn’t my intention. I was just curious what you’ve said, since we’re not married and I assume they’ve talked with you about their families.”
Kim had started to explain about François, but she’d thought better of it. At the moment Edward was too temperamental for such a conversation, with his fatigue and anxious preoccupation with Ultra. Besides, Kim was reluctant to cause any potential rift between him and François because she couldn’t be a hundred percent sure of what François’s intentions had been.
Kim stood up. “I hope I haven’t upset you,” she said. “I know how tired you must be. Good night.” She stepped from the bathroom and started toward her bed.
“Wait,” Edward called out. He emerged from the bathroom. “I’m overreacting again,” he said. “I’m sorry. Instead of making you feel badly I should be thanking you. I really appreciated your putting the dinner together. It was perfect and turned out to be a big hit with everyone. It was the kind of break we all needed.”
“I appreciate your saying something,” Kim said. “I have been trying to help. I think I know the pressure you’re under.”
“Well, it should get better with Stanton temporarily mollified,” Edward said. “Now I can concentrate on Ultra and Harvard.”
13
Late September 1994
Edward’s recognition of Kim’s efforts at putting together the dinner on such short notice encouraged Kim to think that things would improve between herself and Edward. But it was not to be. During the week immediately after the Monday-night dinner, things seemed to get worse. In fact Kim did not see Edward at all. He’d come in late at night long after she’d gone to bed and would be up and out before she awoke. He made no effort to communicate with her at all even though she left numerous Post-It messages for him.
Even Buffer seemed to be nastier than usual. He appeared unexpectedly around dinnertime Wednesday night while Kim was preparing her food. He acted hungry, so Kim filled a dish with his food and extended it toward him, intending to put it on the floor. Buffer reacted by baring his teeth and snapping at her viciously. Kim put the food down the disposal.
With no contact whatsoever with anyone in the lab, Kim began to feel more estranged from what was happening in the compound than she had earlier in the month. She even began to feel lonely. To her surprise she started to look forward to returning to work the following week, a feeling she never expected to have. In fact, when she’d left work at the end of August, she’d thought returning to work would be difficult.
By Thursday, September 22, Kim was aware that she was feeling mildly depressed and the resulting anxiety scared her. She’d had a brush with depression in her sophomore year of college and the experience had left an enduring scar. Fearing that her symptoms might get worse, Kim called Alice McMurray, a therapist at MGH whom she’d seen a number of years previously. Alice graciously agreed to give up half her lunch hour the following day.
Friday morning Kim got up feeling a little better than she had on previous mornings. She guessed it was the excitement of having made plans to go into the city. Without her parking privileges at the MGH, she decided to take the train.
Kim arrived in Boston a little after eleven. With plenty of time to spare, she walked from North Station to the hospital. It was a pleasant fall day of intermittent clouds and sunshine. In contrast to Salem, the leaves on the city trees had yet to begin changing.
It felt good for Kim to be in the familiar hospital environment, especially when she ran into several colleagues who teased her about her tan. Alice’s office was in a professional building owned by the hospital corporation. Kim entered from the hall and found the reception desk deserted.
Almost immediately the inner door opened, and Alice appeared.
“Hi,” she said. “Come on in.” She motioned with her head toward the secretary’s desk. “Everyone is at lunch in case you were wondering.”
Alice’s office was simple but comfortable. There were four chairs and a coffee table grouped in the center of the room on an oriental rug. A small desk was against the wall. By the window stood a potted palm. On the walls were Impressionist prints and a few framed diplomas and licenses.
Alice was an ample-bodied woman whose compassionate manner radiated from her like a magnetic field. As Kim knew from Alice’s own admission, she had been fighting a weight problem all her life. Yet the struggle had added to Alice’s effectiveness by giving her extra sensitivity to other people’s problems.
“Well, what can I do for you?” Alice asked once they were seated.
Kim launched into an explanation of her current living situation. She tried to be honest and fully admitted her disappointment that things had not gone as she’d anticipated. As she spoke she began to hear herself assuming most of the blame. Alice heard it too.
“This is sounding like an old story,” Alice said in a nonjudgmental way. Alice then inquired about Edward’s personality and social skills.
Kim described Edward, and with the help of Alice’s presence, she immediately heard herself defending him.
“Do you think there is any resemblance between the relationship you had with your father and the relationship you have with Edward?” Alice asked.
Kim thought for a moment and then admitted her behavior in regard to the recent dinner party had suggested some analogy.
“It sounds to me that they are superficially quite similar,” Alice said. “I can remember your describing similar frustration about trying to please your father. Both of these men appear to have an overriding interest in their business agendas that supersedes their personal lives.”
“It’s temporary with Edward,” Kim said.
“Are you sure about that?” Alice questioned.
Kim thought for a moment before answering:’ ‘I guess you can never be sure about what another person is thinking.”
“Precisely,” Alice said. “Who knows, Edward could be changing. Nevertheless, it sounds like Edward needs your social support and you are giving it. There’s nothing wrong with that except I sense that your needs aren’t currently being met.”
“That’s an understatement,” Kim admitted.
“You should be thinking about what is good for you and act accordingly,” Alice said. “I know that is easy to say and difficult to do. Your self-esteem is terrified to lose his love. At any rate at least give it serious thought.”
“Are you saying I shouldn’t be living with Edward?” Kim asked.
“Absolutely not,” Alice said. “That’s not for me to say. Only you can say that. But as we discussed in the past, I think you should give thought to issues of codependency.”