“Are you sure you don't want me to stay here with you?” Brad asked quietly before he left her, but she shook her head and thanked him. It had been difficult sitting there with him all day, there was so much she wanted to say, so many questions she wanted to ask him. How long had it been this way? Why had he lied? …why wasn't she enough? …didn't he love her? It was pointless though, and she knew it. She forced herself not to say anything. But her stomach hurt all afternoon. He looked as handsome as he always had, except that he was no longer hers, he was someone else's. And when she looked at him, it was like looking at a stranger. They had been polite to each other all day, and she'd been glad he was there, but they didn't really dare talk to each other anymore, not about anything that mattered.
“Tell Andy I love him,” she said as he left. He nodded, waved, and was gone, and told her he'd call her in the morning. And then she went back to her vigil in the quiet room, realizing that Brad had neither touched her nor kissed her when he left. Somehow, the connection between them had been broken.
Trygve stopped in to see her briefly in the waiting room with Bjorn, but he could see she wasn't in the mood for conversation. She looked worried and sad, and Bjorn wanted to know where her daughter was, and if her legs were hurt like Chloe's. She explained to him that Allie's head was hurt and not her legs, and he said he had had a headache once too, and he was very sorry to hear it about Allie.
They left Page some sandwiches, and Trygve squeezed her arm as they left, and looked at her. She looked very small and thin and very tired.
“Hang in there,” he said softly. She nodded, as tears filled her eyes, but once she was alone again, she felt more peaceful. Sometimes people's kindness made it worse. She cried every time they said how sorry they were about Allie.
It was a long night as she lay on the couch in the small room, and she had more time to think than she had had in a long time. She thought about Brad and how happy they had been …about when Allie had been born, and how sweet she had been. She closed her eyes and saw herself in their house in the city. It had been a mess when they bought it, but she had fixed it up, and it was beautiful by the time they sold it.
She thought about the house in Marin, and when Andy was born, so terrifyingly tiny. But again and again, her thoughts went back to Allyson. It was as though the child she had been were standing in the room …the things she had said …the way she had looked …and Page was not surprised when the nurse came to get her just after midnight. It was as though she knew. She had felt Allyson in the room with her, and when the nurse opened the door, Page was instantly on her feet and knew that she was needed.
“Mrs. Clarke?”
“Yes?” It was like something in a dream, she couldn't believe this was happening to her, but it was. She couldn't deny it.
“Allyson is having complications from the surgery.”
“Has the surgeon been called?” Page's face was very white as she asked her.
“He's on his way now; But I thought you might like to see her. She's still in recovery, but I'll take you up if you like.”
“I'd like that …” And then, she looked at her honestly. “Is she … is she dying?”
The nurse hesitated, but only for a moment. “She seems to be fading …she's not doing well, Mrs. Clarke, I think she might be.” And so did the recovery room nurses. They had called the surgeon immediately but they didn't even think she'd be alive by the time he got there.
“Do I have time to call my husband?” She was surprised at the sound of her own voice. She felt strangely calm, as though now she knew what to expect. She had been waiting for this, without knowing. She had been there when Allie had been born, and now she would be there when she left. Her eyes filled with tears, but she felt calm as the nurse shook her head and walked to the elevator with her.
“I think you'd better get upstairs. We'll call your husband for you if you like. We've got the number.” She hated for him to hear it from a nurse, it would have been kinder to call him herself, but she didn't want to miss Allie. This wasn't a moment that would come again, and she wanted to say good-bye to her. She knew now that no matter how far away she seemed, Allie would hear her.
They put a gown and mask on her just outside the recovery room and she followed another nurse inside, and then she saw her. She lay surrounded by machines, her head swathed in bandages as it had been before, but suddenly now she looked very small and peaceful. “Hi, sweetheart,” Page whispered as she stood next to her. She was crying but she wasn't sad suddenly, she was just happy to see her. “Daddy and I love you so much … I want you to know that …and so does Andy. He misses you, and so do I … we all do … we miss you a lot …but I know that you're always with us …” A nurse brought her a stool then and she sat down, and took one of Allie's hands in hers. It seemed very frail and clawlike. Her fingers were rigid and her arms were stiff, which was part of the reaction from her brain being so disturbed. It was also part of why Page hadn't wanted Andy to see her. The results of the accident were just too upsetting.
“We called your husband,” a nurse whispered to her, as Page quietly held Allie's hand and stroked it.
“Is he coming?” Page asked calmly. She didn't feel frightened anymore, she just felt peaceful, and closer than she ever had to Allie. They were together now, mother and child, bonded forever, in a moment that meant as much, in its own way, as her birth had. In some ways, this was no different.
It was a beginning, and an end. They had completed the circle. Sooner than they'd planned. But they were still there together.
“He said he didn't want to leave your son.” Page nodded, knowing he could have called Jane, but he was afraid to come and she understood that. She accepted it now. Brad did not want to face this moment. The nurse touched Page's shoulder then and gave her a little squeeze. She had seen a lot of this, but it was never easy, particularly with children.
“Allie?” Page whispered to her then. “Sweetheart …everything's okay …don't be scared …and I'll always be here if you need me.” She had wanted to tell her that. Allyson had always been reluctant about new places, and now she was going to one, and Page couldn't be there to help her. But she would be with her in spirit, just as Allyson would stay with her mother.
“Mrs. Clarke?” It was Dr. Hammerman, she hadn't heard him approach her. “We're losing her,” he said softly.
“I know.” She was crying and didn't even know it. She looked at him with a smile and a look in her eyes that tore his heart out.
“We did everything we could. The damage is very great. I thought maybe she'd make it this afternoon, but …I'm sorry …” He stood nearby, not to intrude, and kept an eye on the monitors. He checked her pulses himself, looked at several tapes from the monitors, and consulted with the nurses. He didn't think she would last more than a few minutes. And he felt very sorry for the mother. “Mrs. Clarke?” he asked finally. “Can we do anything? Is there anything you'd like? A priest?”
“We're fine,” she said, remembering perfectly the first moment she had held her. She had been so firm and round, a perfect little ball with a bright pink face, and a' fuzz of blond hair. Despite the ordeal her birth had been, Page had laughed and held out her arms the minute she saw her. Thinking of it made her smile now, and she turned back to Allyson and told her the story, as she had a thousand times, as two nurses wiped their eyes and went to attend to another patient.
The surgeon continued to keep an eye on her, and it was an hour after he arrived when he checked the monitors again, and found that nothing had changed. She had not improved, but she was no worse. From somewhere deep within, Al-lie was fighting.