“What are you saying, Case?” My voice shakes as tears run down my face once again.
He lifts his head to look at me and those dark blue eyes are still free of tears. “I wanted to end my life. I was so close too.” I place a hand over my mouth in shock. “I stood in the pouring down rain with my father’s gun, the same one he used to take his life, ready to end my own. They had been gone for two weeks, and I was tired. So tired … I just wanted a way out. But Brecken showed up just in time and stopped me.” He shakes his head. “Do you know what that feels like? To feel so helpless that the only way out is to die?” he asks.
I shake my head as I get out of the bed. I walk up to him. I go to hug him, but he places his hands out, stopping me. “Don’t,” he demands. “I don’t want your pity,” he says harshly. “I’m not that man anymore.” He fists his hands down by his side. “At that very second, I made a decision. A decision to save lives,” he says softly. “To make a difference.” He hangs his head. “But I live a lie,” he says softly. “Nothing I do makes it better. The pain remains. I’ve just become numb to it.”
I very slowly lift my hands up to him as I hold my breath, praying that he doesn’t push me away this time. “Look at me. Please,” I beg. When he finally does, I take a deep breath as I look into the dark blue eyes I have fallen in love with, and it makes my chest tighten at what they must have seen. “You have saved a life. My life,” I remind him. “And I’m sure countless others.” His eyes roam my face before returning to mine. “And as far as making a difference.” I swallow. “You have made a difference. I will never be the same, Case. Because I fell in love with you.”
He reaches up and cups my face in his hands. “I’ve killed men,” he admits. “No matter how many times I try and wash clean, blood still remains on my hands.”
I bite my bottom lip as I remember watching him lift his gun and shooting that man in the alley in order to save me.
“You can’t stand there and tell me that’s okay.” I go to open my mouth, but he continues. “I make friends with the bad guys in order to get what I want.” He takes a long, deep breath. “And you know what? I don’t regret one bit of it. But do you know what I do regret?” He removes one hand from my face and runs it through my messy hair.
I shake my head slowly. “I regret you.”
My stomach drops, and I feel like my world just stops. My lips part but nothing comes out.
I go to step away from him, but he reaches out and grabs me. “I regret I lied to you,” he whispers. “I regret I didn’t meet you sooner.” Fresh tears start to sting my eyes. “I regret I allowed any man ever hurt you.” He reaches up and wipes the single tear from my cheek. “I regret I can’t be the man that you deserve.”
“What?” I ask in disbelief. “Case, you are …”
“I forced Mr. Binsen to fire you,” he announces.
“What?” I ask pulling away from him. I must have heard him wrong.
His hands fall to his side. “When you called me and told me that you were broke down on the side of the road, I panicked because my first thought was what happened to my sister. That’s why I told you to get in your car and not to let anyone help you. I knew at that very second I had to do something drastic to keep you close to me. For me to keep an eye on you. As soon as I hung up the phone, I called your boss and threatened him. He’s a buyer of mine, and he chose my drug over his best employee. That’s when I realized I was the only one who could save you from a world dependent on their next high.”
I stare up at him wide-eyed and half-dazed. “You set all of this up?” I ask in disbelief.
“I did,” he admits, and all I can do is shake my head at him.
“You planned all of this?” My brows pull together. This can’t be happening.
He sighs heavily. “The only thing I planned was to keep you safe. Your house had been broken into and your brother was working for me, an undercover cop. The possibility of you being sucked into my world was high. I was willing to risk you hating me when the truth came out.”
“What about me falling in love with you?” I whisper. “Would you …?”
“It was the only plan I had,” he interrupts me. “It wasn’t a good one, but it’s all I had.” He gives me a smile. That one he knows makes me weak in the knees. The one that makes my heart beat faster. The one that gives me butterflies. “I never intended to fall in love with you. But I did. As I told you earlier, you made me believe I could finally move on from my past. You didn’t numb my pain. You took it away completely. Somewhere along the lines, you became my drug, Taylor. You became the very thing I try to take from others. I get lost in your eyes. I burn from your touch. And I love you with all I have. I know I don’t deserve you, but give me another chance and I will prove to you I can do better. I will be better.” He closes the space between us and wraps his arms around my waist. “I am a man who had sinned. I am a man who knows they come at a cost. And one day, I will have to pay for my sins. And I’d gladly go to hell for this one.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
TAYLOR
The following morning I walk into the kitchen to find Blane and Savannah sitting at the table. They’re laughing and hugging on one another until they spot me. Savannah lets out a little cough and pulls away from him.
“I see you guys have made up.”
Blane snorts. “I could say the same about you. Considering what we heard last night and then again early this morning.” He shudders. “Maybe you can keep it down next time?”
I smile in satisfaction. “Maybe,” I say with a careless shrug. But doubtful. Case fucks like he fights. Ruthless and my body loves it.
“So what do we do now?” Savannah asks, running her hand through her hair. “Just hang out here until when …?”
“I have a few leads. I will make sure it is handled soon.”
We all turn to see Case walking into the kitchen. He stops beside me, places a hand on my lower back and leans down to give me a soft kiss on the forehead. I wanted to be mad at him last night. I wanted to hate him for all the lies and deceit. He had set me up, after all. But I couldn’t because he was also right. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.
My heart still breaks for him after what he told me last night. How much loss he’s suffered in such a short amount of time. And I know it must still affect him every day. This life has to take a toll on you.
I turn to face Blane. “Why did you do it in the first place?” I wonder out loud. “You said you went to Case in order to get Dad out of jail. Did you ever stop to think that maybe that is the best place for him?”
“You just don’t get it,” he mumbles.
“Obviously, I don’t,” I say sharply. “Why am I the only one who thinks he’s better in jail than free?” I ask confused.
“I don’t think he deserves to be free,” Case replies to my question.
I eye him with a tilt of my head. “But you are the one who was willing to make the deal.”
“I turned his deal down at first.”
I look at Blane and then back at Case. “Obviously, he talked you into it.”
He shrugs carelessly. “After I thought about it, I realized I would let the little fish go in order to catch the bigger fish.”
What does that even mean? I don’t dare ask. I look back at Blane. “You know making a deal for Dad was like a death sentence? Do you understand what could have happened to you?” His face still bears the bruises from getting his ass kicked the other night.
His eyes narrow on me. “It was the only option I had.”
“Bullshit!” I hiss. “You could have just left him there.”