“What baby?” Kelly’s excited voice fills the shocked room.
“Shit,” Kadence curses as her panicked eyes come to mine.
“You’re having a baby?” I ask on a whisper, trying to keep my voice level and not show the pain I’m suddenly feeling.
“Um, yeah, we only just found out yesterday,” she quietly admits. The table erupts in congratulations while I slowly wrap my head around it. I don’t know how to respond to her news. The pain I have been feeling has slowly started to fade with time, but at her news, a new ache grows. Is it jealousy?
“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you tonight, alone—”
“I’m so excited,” I cut her off. Not wanting this to become something more than what it has to be, especially in front of Sy. This would be the worst time for him if this were to come out.
“I just didn’t want you to find out like this.” She rises from Nix’s lap and comes to stand near me.
“Am I missing something?” Jesse asks and I look around, horrified that everyone has zoned in on my reaction. “Why does it matter so much to Holly if you’re having a baby?” he asks the seemingly obvious question. Why does it matter? It doesn’t. I’m fine, I tell myself.
“Jesse,” Nix warns, but I can already see it dawning on Sy’s face.
Shit.
“What the hell is going on?” Red calls from the door, not clued in on the tension buzzing in the backcourt of the Rebels Clubhouse.
“Nothing, Dad. Take Z inside for me,” he says while I try to get my head around what might possibly be coming out right now. I just need to get up and walk inside, away from this, my brain tells me.
“I’m okay, guys. There’s nothing to make a big deal about.” I stand on shaky legs, finding myself throwing my fake laugh while Red takes Z inside.
“Holly.” Kadence’s eyes fill with the sweetest sadness I’ve come to recognize well. I don’t want her sadness, but it calls to me, and every time I see it, the torturous past all comes back to me. Full force.
“I’m still lost,” Brooks says, sitting next to Kelly.
“Shhh,” Kelly whacks him on the shoulder, telling him to be quiet.
“Congratulations, guys. I’m so excited for you both,” I try again, hoping the more I say it, the more I’ll feel it. Panic claws up my body, scratching to be released. I can’t do this here. I pick up my bag and try to come up with something that gets me the hell out of here.
“What’s going on?” Sy finally speaks, looking between Kadence and me, and all the fight in my body leaves knowing he won’t give this up, not now.
“Nope, all good,” I say, not looking at him but focusing on Kadence. “So, I just remembered, I should really go,” I fumble out, not even making any sense considering we’ve been here for less than an hour and haven’t even eaten yet.
“Holly?” Sy calls to me, but I’m a coward and I just can’t face him.
“I really have to go. I’ll call later.” I turn and escape inside as Kadence and Sy both yell out for me. Jesus, that wasn’t strange at all, Holly. I make it to the hallway before Sy catches up with me.
“Stop, Holly,” he demands, cornering me into the small space.
“I can’t—” I begin to say before he cuts me off.
“Don’t even fucking think about it,” he warns.
“Sy,” I begin, looking up at him, only to wish I didn’t. The softness I’ve come to love these past few weeks is replaced with that hard, menacing look he holds so well.
“Why the fuck were you sitting there with a pained look on your face knowing our best friends are having a baby?” There’s no point denying it. I know from the look in his eyes he knows something is seriously up.
“Sy,” I reply shakily.
“What is going on?”
“I was pregnant,” I rush out in a mess of desperation and regret. Just saying the words aloud has my breath coming out in rapid, painful spurts.
Darkness creeps in, and ugliness flows out.
“What?” he practically chokes. His tattooed fists ball at his sides. The air between us is thick with deceit and accusations and there’s nothing I can say that will make it better. This is what I’ve brought on myself.
“Before, when we were together, I fell pregnant,” I begin to cry because this is not how I wanted to tell him, not how he deserves to find out. “I lost the baby when I was shot.”
“You hid this from me?” he states the truth, but I hate the accusation behind it. I knew this moment was coming, but I didn’t expect it to be now, in front of our friends and family.
“This really isn’t the time, Sy,” I try to reason with him. I can’t do this here, do this now with an audience in the other room.
“It’s okay, Holly. You don’t have to explain anything right now,” Kadence follows us into the hallway, arguing for me, saving me.
“Like fuck she doesn’t!” Sy’s shout has me jumping out of my skin.
“I wanted to tell you so many times before. I tried but I just…” I trail off, shaking my head. “And then finally when I was working up the nerve, I found out about Keira and I couldn’t bring myself to add to your pain. I couldn’t do that to you.” My voice comes out shaky.
“Who’s Keira?” I hear someone mutter in the background.
“Don’t you fucking dare bring her into this,” he roars which causes me to step back into the wall.
“Brother, you’re scaring her. Calm down.” Jesse now comes into view, ready to come to my rescue.
“Fuck off, Jesse, I’ve got a right to know.” His words a reminder of the harsh truth; he did have the right to know.
“You do, but this isn’t the best time,” he tries again, stepping up beside me. His presence doesn’t calm me, or make me feel safe that he’s here because I know I deserve Sy’s anger.
“No, you’re right. The best time would have been five fucking months ago,” Sy spits the reality of it all back at me. He’s right, and I’ve struggled with that every day. I should have told him.
“Sy,” is all I muster up. Closing my eyes, I try to draw some strength to give him the answers he needs.
“This is what you’ve been fighting? This is what has had you so far in your head?” he continues to throw his questions at me. Questions I wish I knew how to answer. I want to try and explain to him how as much as I wanted to crawl out of this fog, I just couldn’t. Or that living in this state of heartache has been exhausting, but I can’t. I can’t give him what he needs. Instead, I just nod. Nod for every accusation he throws at me, every angry comment laced with hurt that he spurts and just hope that when he’s done I’ll be left unscathed.
“You didn’t think I had a right to know? Didn’t think I should have known this? Were you ever going to tell me?” he finally whispers so gently that I open my eyes eager to see it.
“Of course I was,” I offer that small scrap of hope, hoping he can see my struggle.
“Why didn’t you tell me then, when I sat outside your hospital door for two fucking weeks, waiting to see you? Or how about those nights we stayed up talking about everything and nothing?” He looks so broken and angry that I can’t process his questions fast enough. It’s like everything is coming down around me and I can barely keep myself from falling apart.
“I should have told you, but I didn’t know how. Then it became more than just dealing with telling you. I got lost, Sy. I’ve been trying to cope the best I can, fighting through the pain, fighting what I feel for you. I didn’t want you to feel this heartache, this darkness. I couldn’t bear to watch you try to live with it, too. Then it didn’t matter in the end because the baby was gone,” I blurt it all out, knowing that half of it is true, the other half a desperate plea that I think I can trick my mind into believing.
“Didn’t matter?” he scoffs, getting angrier the more I try to explain.
“Well, what would you have had me do, Sy? We had sex twice. You barely fucking talked to me. You didn’t seem the type to want to play happy fucking families,” I snap back, not understanding how one minute I’m begging for mercy for my fuck up, the next fighting him in my defense.