‘You’re right,’ said Alec. ‘What did we say? What was our rule?’
‘If something appears to have happened for no good reason at all, then it can’t really have happened,’ I said. My blood was thumping now. We were getting somewhere at last.
‘So,’ said Alec slowly, ‘what is it that we’re saying didn’t happen? She did plan to kill her, and she did kill her, and she did kill her in that way…’
‘But she didn’t – couldn’t possibly have planned to kill her that way.’
‘Of course not,’ said Alec, and now it all came tumbling out. ‘It would have been crazy. She must have meant to kill Cara by suffocation or something, so that if her body survived the fire it would look as though she died from asphyxiation – because she would have died from asphyxiation.’
‘But something happened. Something unexpected. And in a rage, all her plans forgotten, Lena set upon her.’
‘And then she panicked and in her panic decided to gamble on the fable of the kitchen maid.’
We waited, each of us expecting the other to find a flaw, to frown and say that of course it could not possibly have happened like that and we should have to start again.
‘So,’ I said at last, when no one had spoken after all, ‘we were right about the madman. In a way. Except that it was a mad woman. She must be, mustn’t she? I mean we thought she must be evil, to plan her own daughter’s death, but to snap like that and do what she did, it must be madness. And we don’t have to explain it now. If it’s madness. We can stop.’
Alec gave me the kind of smile one would use to a child, then he came to sit beside me and put his hand, in a very curious gesture, on the top of my head, not ruffling my hair exactly but as though he were about to, or as though he were blessing me.
‘Good people always say that,’ he said. ‘About madness. And about evil, actually, if there’s a difference. They can’t explain it on any terms they understand and so they say what you just said. That it cannot be explained and we should not even try.’ I turned my head a little to look at him and his hand slipped slightly down my hair, making him feel how awkward the gesture was, I think. At any rate he took his hand away before he went on talking.
‘But madness and evil are no different from anything else, Dandy. An evil act is done for something. Always. We have not got to the bottom just by saying it’s mad. We don’t stop now. We’ve hardly started.’
‘Do you really think there’s no difference?’ I said. ‘Evil and madness.’
Alec shrugged. ‘I think it’s in the eye of the beholder,’ he said. ‘The strong call it evil and condemn it, the weak call it madness and pity it.’ This silenced us both and we sat side by side but not touching; wearied, I think – at least I was – and wishing we could be talking of books, sitting here, or just gossiping, or even that Alec could be pouring out his manly grief about his poor dead love and I could be patting his hand and looking at him with my head on one side like a robin.
We both jumped and clutched at each other as a volley of knocks hit the window-pane so hard that the glass grated against the putty. Outside Donald and Teddy’s faces could be seen, chins on the sill, red with excitement. I leapt to my feet and unfastened the window, too rattled even to scold them.
‘You don’t half look glum,’ said Donald.
‘What were you talking about, Mummy?’ said Teddy. ‘You’re supposed to be cheering Mr Osborne up, you know, and he looks like a dying duck now.’
‘Don’t be rude,’ I said, flustered. ‘We were talking about the nature of evil and the meaning of madness and other things that rude little boys know nothing about. Now run along and leave us alone.’
‘You should come on a picnic, Mr Osborne,’ said Donald. ‘We’ve got that pony licked into shape now, that’s what we came to tell you, Mother. So we can all go on a picnic and the pony can lug the hamper.’
‘Tomorrow,’ said Teddy. ‘That’ll cheer you right up.’ He leaned to the side to see past me to where Alec was sitting. ‘Better than old meaning of madness anyway. Or I know what. I’ll tell you a joke.’
‘No,’ I said as firmly as I could, Teddy’s jokes being unfit for the ears of anyone but Nanny. ‘Mr Osborne is not interested in silly little boys’ jokes.’
‘I’ll tell you the meaning of madness,’ said Donald. ‘Cousin Melville.’ Teddy lost his grip on the window sill at that and dropped off in fits of giggles. I fastened the window again and returned to my seat.
‘I rather wanted to hear about Cousin Melville,’ said Alec.
‘You shouldn’t encourage them,’ I said. ‘And Hugh’s cousin Melville is “not to be spoken of”. But I think you’re wrong about evil and madness being the same thing, you know.’ Alec, far from being annoyed to have me disagree with him, gestured for me to go on. ‘I think she must be mad to think of killing her own child. But to do it, to go through with it, that’s evil.’
‘The desire is madness, the decision to give in to the desire is evil?’
‘Yes, or even if a mad rage took her through doing it, to try to get away with it is evil.’
‘And this is all your own?’ said Alec. ‘You have never studied the great philosophers?’ I felt he was laughing at me now, and I racked my brain to remember if I had in fact read something like that.
‘I don’t think so,’ I said. ‘Have I pinched it from somewhere?’
‘Don’t,’ said Alec, glaring at me. ‘Don’t pretend to be silly. Silly little boys don’t deserve our scorn, but if there’s one thing worse than a silly woman, it’s a woman who pretends to be silly when she has a choice.’
Rather typical, I thought, for the most flattering thing that has ever been said to one to be couched in terms that call one a goose and a liar and an uncaring mother to boot.
‘To return to Lena,’ I said, and something about the way I said it caused Alec to get up and go back to his chair.
‘If what we’ve deduced is right enough,’ I continued, ‘and if you’re right about evil being purposeful then we are even less far on than we were before.’ Alec looked at me quizzically and then nodded.
‘Lena planned to kill Cara in cold blood,’ he said, ‘but killed her in anger before the plan could be seen through. We now need an explanation for not one murder, but two.’
‘But you know, I’ve been thinking thoughts like that off and on for ages and ignoring them,’ I said. ‘I kept thinking how it spilled out one side when you were looking at the other, you know? Just too much of everything, and we’ve been searching for an answer that explains it all. But really it’s as though she’s two completely separate people. Planning everything so carefully, then flying into such a blind, ugly rage. Then once again dealing so horridly meticulously with the mess that rage produced. And for what reason? Because what you said about Cara is just as true of Lena. If she is so concerned about respectability why not do any of the much milder things that might have been done? Postponing the wedding or arranging an abortion.’
‘As you said yourself, Dandy, even if Lena is two separate people, one is mad and one is bad. Neither of them would want to smooth things through for Cara instead of punishing her.’
The dressing bell rang then, and I was glad to hear it. I was completely fagged with it all and thought if I tried to compose one more coherent remark, Alec would change his mind and think me the silliest woman who ever lived. Besides, I was still hugging his compliment to me, saving it until later when I could get it out and admire it properly.