“What?” Megan said, looking at him again.
“No,” he said, turning to look at her. “I won’t say it hasn’t been tempting, but I knew it would matter to you. So did Bast. So… we took a reprieve.” He paused and grinned. “Frankly, I needed to build my strength back up anyway.”
“You didn’t need to do that for me,” Megan said, angrily.
“Did I not?” Herzer replied, tightly. “Megan, I have the, unfortunate, reputation of being a tomcat. I’ll admit that I’m not serially monogamous. Bast is, but I’m not. She’s fine with that. But the point is that I don’t fully understand women, but I understand them well enough. And I understand that there’s… something going on between us. If I said ‘Oh, well, we carried on regardless’ then that would, at the very least, hurt your feelings, would it not?”
“Yes,” she admitted.
“Giving up fooling around for a few days is not going to kill me,” Herzer replied. “I had to forego it for a year and a half one time because of the nature of a mission. And you are important to me. More important than any woman I’ve ever met…” He paused and shrugged. “Well, any woman that matters for this discussion. And you’re not fully healed, maybe never will be. I’m not stupid enough to think that I can jump right in your bed. Or that it will be easy even once we… get over this…”
“Yes,” she said, smiling faintly. “This. You’re not, at all, what I expected you to be, Herzer Herrick.”
“Oh?” he said, frowning.
“As I said, your name had come up. The Blood Lord’s Blood Lord. The most dangerous soldier the UFS has is another way of saying it. That mission you were talking about. Was that Harzburg?”
“Yes,” Herzer said, surprised. “It was.”
“You’ll be happy to know that you pissed people off at the highest level,” Megan said, grinning. “What I didn’t expect was a philosopher.”
“That I’m not,” Herzer argued.
“Well, then, a good field psychologist,” Megan replied, shrugging. “Someone who cares about the feelings of others. And understands them, which is stranger. A warrior, a killer, that was expected. Not this.” She stepped across the intervening gap and put her arm through his, leaning her head on his arm. “Someone I could love.”
“Oh,” Herzer replied, standing as still as if a bird had come to land on his outstretched finger.
“I think it’s okay if you put your arms around me,” Megan said after a moment.
“Speaking of a good field psychologist,” Herzer said, stretching out the arm she was holding and wrapping her into his side.
“Someone who has a girlfriend I really don’t want to piss off, come to think of it,” Megan said after a long moment’s silent communication.
“Bast has already let me go,” Herzer replied. “She told me so, bluntly. If it makes you feel any better, she’s in your corner. She apparently didn’t care for Paul long before this war. Anybody who… removed him would be okay in her eyes. Well, almost anyone.”
“What about us?” Megan asked, still not moving away from his side.
“She’s fine with ‘us,’ ” Herzer said. “She looks likes a teenager and sometimes she acts like one but she’s old, Megan. Ancient. She has had more… boy-toys in her time than it’s possible to count. Edmund was one, once upon a time.”
“Good taste,” Megan said, smiling secretly.
“Well, I hope so,” Herzer replied. “I’m… not perfect, Megan. I have many, many flaws and many things about myself I don’t like. From the point of view of ‘us’ I have some… issues which are going to be right pains in the ass for both of us. But Bast isn’t one of them.”
“What issues?” she asked, leaning back and looking up at him. From any distance he was a big guy. This close up he was just… immense.
“That’s… one of those things I have a hard time talking about,” Herzer replied, grimacing. “Especially since I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to… drive you away. Let’s get to know each other a little better before we talk about my problems, okay?”
She looked up at him again and then pulled out from under his arm, slightly, keeping her own arm on his waist, so that she could face him.
“Noooo…” she said, quizzically. “I don’t think you would drive me away. But I think it’s something we need to talk about if it’s worrying you that much.” She watched his profile for a moment as his jaw flexed and frowned. “You won’t drive me away, Herzer. We’ll work through it, one way or another. I promise you.” She felt him starting to move away and her fingers tangled into the back of his tunic. “Don’t even think of trying to walk away from me, Herzer Herrick. You can get some space if you feel like you need it, but don’t you dare walk away.”
Herzer looked down at her for just a moment then looked out over the water again.
“Let’s just say I have some of the same problems Paul did,” he ground out, his jaw flexing. “I just understand them a hell of a lot better. I’m a sexual dominant.”
“Oh,” Megan said, her eyes widening. She felt a flutter she’d almost forgotten existed and rigidly suppressed it. “That’s it? I was afraid you were gay or something.”
“It’s a problem, Megan,” Herzer said, looking down at her for a long moment and then back out at the water. “I’m experienced enough in general to only let it show with… ladies that have similar interests. Bast is anything but a sub but we do play the games. In fact, she was the one that got me over my… horror at it. And other things. I can play neutral but in a long-term relationship… it’s going to be an issue. Even if you think you’re interested, or are willing to be experimental, you’re certainly not ready for it now and may not ever be. And it’s something that we’ll have to watch carefully because of your experiences.”
“What if someone…” Megan paused and shrugged. “What if I was interested in that sort of thing before my experiences?”
“Doesn’t really matter,” Herzer replied. “Trust me. What you went through is going to have altered your responses no matter what. I’ve had more than one… girlfriend. Okay, lover. I’ve had more than one lover who was raped in the post-Fall period. Most of them were neutrals, a few were subs. All of them had major land mines that I had to tiptoe around. I don’t mind tiptoeing around the land mines, but if you think you don’t have them, you’re nuts.”
“No, I know I do,” Megan said, quietly.
“And when you trip a land mine like that,” Herzer continued, “the scarring is worse, in a way, than the original damage. Because of the addition of failed trust. Just miscuing, usually, but it comes across as failed trust. Especially since…” He paused and shook his head. “This conversation is going in some strange directions.”
“Keep going,” Megan said. “Especially since what?”
“Especially because of the nature of the dom-sub relationship,” Herzer said. “You know what I mean by dom-sub, in general, right?”
“Yes,” Megan said, making a moue. “Give me a little credit, okay?”
“You just think you do,” Herzer said, frowning. “One of the aspects of the relationship is… probing mines. Pressing boundaries is the way it’s usually explained. The sub will get more from the play if you press at the boundaries. So does the dom, but I’ll skip that for now. But if you press the boundary too hard, or too far, it pushes the sub out of enjoyment and into fear and horror territory. Anything can do that and the dom has to be really careful to avoid it. With a woman who has been… has had scarring sexual experiences in the past, the reaction is that much greater.” He looked down at her and frowned, shaking his head. “I’m terrified of hitting your mines, Megan. I really am. I don’t want to lose you. I’m afraid to even touch you. I don’t know what will trip you. You don’t even know what will trip you. And, let me add, when you get your full powers as a councilor, I really don’t want to be turned into a frog!”